Time zone, Time change and long distance frienships

France really is a weird country.
Twice a year the whole country agrees on collectively change its time zone of one hour, moving watches and clocks and every possible object that gives time.

To save power by sticking to the daylight as much as possible.

While I lived in France it seemed like a weird thing to do, but I didn’t really question the potential impact of such a change for our contacts with the rest of the world. I have friends sort of all over the world so of course, it changed a bit the way we talked, but we are not very close, meaning that apart from leaving each other messages once in a while, we don’t often talk.

Last year, Lea mainly lived at night, meaning that she was usually available to talk at the same hours as I was. But now that I live in China and that I mainly live on a diurnal rhythm, it makes it way more complicated for me to communicate with France, and the time change didn’t help.

In summer, China has a 6 hour forward gap with France. In winter, it changes to a 7 hours forward gap. Meaning that when my friends back in France wake up at 7am, it’s already 2pm for me. I know you can all do the math, but it’s hard to realise what a difference it makes. When my friends start their day, I’m already half way through mine. And when I go to bed, around midnight (okay, more like 2am, but let’s keep midnight for the sake of the example) it’s only 5pm back in France.

It might seem nothing but in fact, people mainly talk in the evening, after classes or work. And the time gap makes it impossible (or at least very unreasonable) since it implies I skip sleeping.

I didn’t realise, before leaving how much I was going to miss people. I made so many new friends last year, I hadn’t realised how much I used to socialise. It felt good to be understood and to share good and simple moments with people. But here, I have troubles finding a crowd that shares my love for small assemblies, good wine and peaceful conversations. I miss those quiet and genuine good moments. But with the time gap it makes it even harder to talk to people back in France, and I realise how easy it is to lose someone.

I should be used to it, my friends usually don’t stick around for long. I change, my opinions and aspirations change and we grow apart. And it’s fine. But it’s the first time I feel so isolated. I used to think that I can live alone and be perfectly happy, which is true, but I realise that there is still a part of me who longs for social interactions. I got used to be surrounded with people with whom I shared a lot. And I don't want to lose them. And I don't want to feel alone here.

I guess either I’ll find a new crowd here or I’ll learn to live a tad differently. Some might say that I already live way enough in my head, but never mind.

Speaking about tatoos again.

I love my tattoos. the one I have on the wrists. My moto, my reminder not to give up.
But it was always obvious to me that it would not be the only one.
I had decided to force myself to wait two years between each tattoo. I wanted to enjoy each of them, to remember how it felt to have only a small tattoo, then to slowly add meaning to each of them. My skin is a canvas on which I always knew I wanted to draw.
It started with something simple, discreet, but utterly obvious to me.

There is also a poem I literally want to engrave on my ribs so it will never leave my side.
There are other words I want to ink on my skin as reminders of choices and ideals.
There is a pattern I want to engrave in my arms, to celebrate my love for music.
There are symbols of what I hold dear and what I believe in.

I've been talking about those for years. I wasn't always sure of where I wanted them, or the precise design. But I knew I wanted them.

The next ones will be on the other side of my wrists. opposite to my moto and yet perfectly complementary. "Never let anyone tell you that you'll never succeed in something. Be stubborn, be strong and prove them wrong" "Do what you love, no matter what" That's what it means for me.

I'm so very excited about it. In February. It's both so far and so close.

Knitting, social link since forever.

Today I went to Hankou, the district on the other side of town from where I live. It is 1h30 away, with both a trip through Wuhan metro and bus. Going there was easy, thank to Lea, who put the right address on my phone so I could find my way.
I went there alone, my headphone on and my knitting work in my hand back. The best way not to be bothered by anyone in the public space I noticed is, as Jim Butcher says in the Dresden files, to look confident. or bored. Act as if you belong there and no one will question your presence no matter how eccentric you are (like a green haired ginger girl knitting in the bus). That works every time!
Almost every time.
When I was waiting for the bus to get back home, after running from an office to the other for an hour and managing to fill all the forms in order to get my resident permit, I started knitting again.
Two women, around 60, starting talking to each other about me (no, I'm not getting any more paranoid, they were pointing me.)
Another girl arrived at the bus station, something around 20 years old. The two ladies called her and together they came to talk to me. They had asked the younger girl (Penny) to come so she could translate, as she spoke a little English (way more than I speak Chinese)
They were curious about what I was knitting, where did I come from, How long had I been in Wuhan, did I like living here, what did I do as a living, everything. They wear all extremely kind and warmhearted. Since we were going on the same direction, they said they'd check on our itinerary, that I needn't worry about not missing my bus stop.
It's funny to think how it was easy to talk, even if only some minutes ago, none of us knew each other. It came as totally natural and obvious. Penny and I had to regularly browse through or dictionaries, looking for one word or the other, laughing about the misunderstanding.
The two Ayi (aunt in Chinese) were very curious about my knitting and sometimes took it from my hands to show me how they held the needles or how to pass the thread.
I took her wechat, offering her to keep on texting so she could practice her English and me my Chinese. It felt good to meet new people and to practice my Chinese outside a classroom.
I hope I'll be able to get to know Penny.

Sociolising

I was invited by one of my classmate to a barbecue today.
The girls went out yesterday, with their usual combo of Helen's bar, then nightclub. Not exactly my program so I passed and stayed home, making pancakes. I made 42 of them, but actually only 38 went on the pile, since I ate some as I made them.
It felt good to have the flat all for myself, to have some peace.
I thought I'd write something but inspiration has been quite scarce lately, but not as much as my attention span and focus ability which have been plainly absent.
So today was my turn to go out.
My classmate Max comes from Colorado, has been living in Wuhan for two years, and despite speaking chines quite fluently, never learnt to write or read Chinese. We talked once or twice between classes. A nice dude. he was quite surprised to learn that I was actually from Paris, as most people here from the moment I start to speak English. Even Robin, who comes from Manchester thought I was a Londonian. That's quite a huge compliment for my English!
So Max, shares a flat with his friend Chris, from Canada, on the last floor of a building in a cool residence. And he organised the barbecue in the rooftop of his building. Rooftops are actually accessible to every resident, to hang their laundry or to hang around.
It was good to meet some of my classmates outside the classroom. Not many came, but who cares? those who did were cool. We also met Dan, Max's girl friend, and I talked quite a lot with Chris, since ie is the closest thing to a weirdo I found until now. He loves sci-fi and fantasy books and teaches English. We'll probably meet up to lend each other books and TV series.

Making pancakes

Saturday night. I've got the whole flat for myself.
The girls went out and I enjoy the calm of being alone at home.
I thought I'd use my quiet evening to write, but I have been utterly unable to write a single line for days. Apart from a small recounting of a nightmare I had recently, nothing. Inspiration is gone, and except for a four hands project, I have no idea. My brain is dry. which is extremely frustrating.
My attention span, is at its lower, so is my ability to focus. It's nothing to be worried about really, but it is both painful for me and extremely frustrating.
I know I must not force myself, and that it will comeback by itself. But creating stories, living thousands of adventures in my head is my thing! It's how I define myself, how I protect myself, how I see myself. Without my imagination and the ability to make visible what is in my head by writing it, I feel crippled. I am missing something. I am not whole.
So I keep busy instead. I make pancakes. Tens of them.

According to the stars:

If only I had:

A Brain: Aries, Pisces, Libra, Leo

A Heart: Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, Sagittarius, Gemini

Courage: Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio

From here

First impression

"At first, when I saw you, I thought you were an haughty smartass."
I've heard that sentence so often, can someone explain?
I know I can look very distant, since when I meet people, especially in a crowed environment, I'm shy and this often passes for arrogance (How the heck is that possible?! I'm not ignoring people when I don't know them, I'm afraid of them and hope they'll ignore me. I start to ignore them when I know them and know that I don't like them, which is quite different, trust me!)
I apparently look like I don't care about people around me (true enough) and because of my attitude (my governess knew her job) people tend to have quite a negative first impression of me, if they don't meet me in an environment I'm comfortable in.
I don't understand.

Mc Gonagall rules

Being flirted with

As I said before, We had some friends at the flat last night. And among them is Poon. And all by herself, she deserves an article.
Poon is one of Lea's Thai friend. She's cute, and like her country mates, she likes to party, she likes to drink, she likes to have fun.
And She likes girls.
Last year she had her heart broken by another French girl who repeatedly made fun of her. From what I heard, it was pretty bad and I am sort of sorry for her.
Lea had told her a while ago that her best Friend (me) was coming to Wuhan soon, and that she happened to be a lesbian too, and a single one! [ Yes, Lea played the matchmaker]
I fortunately knew it before coming to Wuhan. When we first met, she made no comment about it, so I thought she had forgotten, and that was fine with me. Then apparently she connected the dots yesterday, and suddenly came to ask me "Why are you a Lesbian?"
To that question, I explained shortly that I couldn't be anything else. That's something my closest friends already know about me. She seemed to accept my answer, but not really care about it. She asked me something I'm not sure I understood. She asked me whether I was a king or a queen. And to be honest, I don't have the slightest idea what she meant. did she meant to ask if I am more girlish or boyish? Well, to me that's irrelevant, being slightly gender fluid and not caring the slightest about those definitions. Or If I have a type of girls, which is irrelevant too, since my answer would be, "yes, those for whom I fall."
And then I guess that must have been the least discreet flirt ever since even I noticed it. She used any and every pretext to come and talk to me, while not really having anything to say, and offering me drinks so often I should have write "no thanks" on my hand. She has apparently decided that I was interesting and made it clear that she wanted to have some time with me. Which I am not against, but she was heavily drunk so I'll wait until she's sober to see what she really meant.
I am not against the idea to get to know her, but I am not exactly looking for someone right now (when have I been anyway?). I just arrived and I have so many projects and things to do I don't see I could find some time for someone.
I don't know, this all situation is weird. I feel like she is only interested because I'm another French lesbian and that it didn't go well withe the previous one.
I might be old fashion, but that's not exactly the way I could ever imagine starting to see someone.
When she left for the nightclub with every one, she almost dragged me out of my flat despite me clearly stating that I had no intention on going anywhere. Ah, drunk people are stubborn people. But I am even more stubborn and she left.
I don't really know what to think about it. I'll probably wing things up, and try to avoid awkward situations as much as I can.

Jason Chan

Jason Chan

Social interactions

So yesterday evening, Lea invited her friends to celebrate her birthday, and my arrival and our new flat. We planned for 25 people and cooked all day.
I was a bit nervous about that: I am, after all quite an introvert and the idea to have 25 people in what I came to consider my new home was scary. I had already met most of Lea's friends, Some nice thai girls and their friends.
We invited people for 20:30. The first one arrived a bit before 22:00 and some arrived past midnight. only 15 people came, which doesn't reward Lea for cooking for so many people.
As I said, I already knew Lea's Thai friends. They are fun folk. Extraverts, always laughing, loud and full of life. They like to drink and dance and have fun.
The girls were having a tequila/lemon/salt challenge. They love drinking games. That's their way to get drunk and be happy and have a good time. I have been slightly sick for a couple of days, must have caught a cold, and I don't like drinking for the sake of it, since I can't enjoy the effects of alcohol. So I just kept on drinking Earlgrey. What's the point of being at your own place if you can't drink what you want? I prefer a good mug of hot earlgrey that a glass of poor gin. And apparently, that made quite a fuss. The girls pushed and kept on offering me some drinks, no matter how I told them that I didn't see the point. To them, the only way to have fun is to get drunk. And apparently, they took it as a personal challenge to make me drink and get drunk. I had to refuse at least a hundred times, and each time, they asked why, and my answers were never good enough for them. Refusing to get drunk because you don't see the point is not enough. Because you're sick is not enough. They let go for a moment and then come back ten minutes later with another glass. Saying no is easy, but it get tiring after a while. They'll be wasting their time and energy. I'm patient and stubborn. I don't drink much if I don't feel comfortable with people. And I was definitely not at ease.
Some of the guests were friends of friends, and didn't even bother to come and say hi to their host, they came and sat, and talked to their friends. According to Lea, it's common from Thai boys. It's a bit frustrating to be in your own space and yet feeling utterly out of place.
Social interactions and noise tire me extremely fast, and that's not something they really understand.
They like to be drunk to dance in nightclubs and to laugh loudly. I like quiet evening, talking about the world out there, drinking good wine with some friends. We have nothing in common. They are nice and polite and kind, but we don't like the same things.
At 02:00 am they decided to leave, to continue their evening in a nightclub. Lea stayed at the flat because she had to wake up at 06:00 am to go to work. And I didn't go because I don't like nightclubs. it was late and I was exhausted. The noise, the agitation, the social interactions, plus me being sick meant that I had no intention on going anywhere. I've been called a granny and a spoil sport.
It sort of hurt. I usually laugh about it, but is it that weird to rather enjoy a peaceful evening alone or in a small comity than having some wild fun with twenty people I barely know. I need to get to know people. To understand them, to have something to talk about with them.
I knew where I was going when I left France for Wuhan, and I don't regret it even a second. I just look forward finding my own crowd here, the local weirdos, those who love books and writing and studying and knitting. I'll find them.

What were the odds?

Lea has a theory about people who come live in Wuhan: According to her, there are two sorts of foreigners, those who will leave in a year without an idea of what China is really, and those who will fit in. Carine and her are definitely part of the second category. According to her, it mostly depends on what folk you talk to. If you stick with your country mates, and fellow students, the odds are that you'll never really see China from inside. I guess I don't know in which category I am yet: I live with two french girls and I started to talk with my classmates,
Or more precisely, I talked to two of them. Two Frenchies. A boy and a girl. I needed to borrow their books, to make some copies. I won't be able to buy mine before Wednesday, and I can't exactly keep on not preparing the class.
They're nice. Some cool muggles, by the sound of it. But anyway.
The boy is taking double major University Degree: Law school and English/Chinese (yes, this is a double major)
The girl is taking a University Degree of Law by correspondence and following the same Chinese Language course as I am.
She's 24, and as we talked, we realised that we come from the same town. Not Paris, no, the small town I grew up in, in the Parisian suburb. She did some Rhythmic Gymnastics in the same club as I did, she graduated from the same high school a year after me. She studied in Paris, in English and Art History. But she wasn't in the same university. and as we talked we found out so many common points! She is living two streets away from my flat, and is looking for a gym and a ballet class too. She suffers from insomnia and is a freaking multi-tasker, the same way I am, taking a degree, having a job, building her own company and trying to pursue some other personal projects. Family pressure and fear of failure.
We had never met before.
And yet we definitely have some common point. She fled the pressure of the French system and her family. She was drawning in France and needed a fresh start. That's something I understand quite well!
She's droped everything and came to live in China, with a man she fell in love with in only a week. That's quite cool, as a story. Maybe I'll a bit more about it in another post.
She is a muggle but a cool one and we agreeded to meet up Sunday. I'll probably be a bit exhausted because Lea, Carine and I are having friends at home saturday evening, but that will be cool to meet her anyway.
What were the odds of finding someone with such a similar background? I know, I'm not exceptional, but still, we have some similarities. Not in our way to think or in our own imaginary universe, but in our back ground and personal experience. It will be interesting to get to know her.

Aurora - Runaway

Thank you Justine for sending this to me!
I like everything. Her voice, the lyrics, her clip.

I know I really like a song when I feel my shoulders roll and sway, when I feel something inside move and echo with it. In my head my whole body moves. I feel the rhythm. There is something about letting go and move along with the music. Giving up thinking, and just be.

Back to class

So, today, I finally went back to class.
I went to the administration this morning with Lea. And as it happens, my teacher made the change just before the holidays, so I could go to my new class this very afternoon.
Oh my god, I was so happy!
The teacher had picked a class for me, not the beginner one, so I wouldn't even be bored.

I had 2 classes this afternoon, a grammar one and an oral one. I didn't have the books, so I had to follow with one of my classmate. A Turkish girl. She doesn't speak a word of English, so We had to understand eachother with our basic Chinese.
We are more or less 15 in the class, with 5 Frenchies, including me. I haven't talked to them yet.

It feels good to be back to studying.
I was a bit lost, because I didn't prepare the course, and I still lack some vocabulary, but I should be able to make it up in the next week or so.
It feels good to study. To have a rhythm, to be able to plan. to know what I have to do. It feels good to have a goal: some homework to do, some things to prepare from a day to the other.

The girls really didn't like their classes, but I really missed study something I like. The challenge feels good. It makes waking up in the morning worth it. I have a goal. It feels like I'm unstoppable. I could study all my life.

I really want to progress.

I couldn't resist.

I saw him two days ago and couldn't stop thinking about him, since.
I wanted to hold him in my arms.
I couldn't Resist.

People, Meet Siegfried.

The signs falling in love

• The "Deny, deny, deny!" squad: Aries, Taurus, Scorpio, Virgo
• The "Wow. I'm in love. Okay cool." squad: Libra, Capricorn, Gemini, Sagittarius
• The "THIS FEELS SO GOOD BUT I'M SO SCARED" squad: Aquarius, Leo, Pisces, Cancer

from: http://luckylouise.tumblr.com/

Level up

I have my Master degree. 

I have my Master degree.

I don't really realize. It's weird. I have been "working" to get it for two years, and I finally made it. Those two years of hoping I'd survive, that I wouldn't have a nervous break down, of dragging myself out of bed every morning, feeling empty and feeling like an impostor, wondering why I still bothered. My job wasn't exactly fun, but my colleagues made it more bearable, but the classes were really a pain. Seating in a room for hours, waiting for time to pass. Things we were taught were so obvious, it broke my heart. I was wasting my time, which takes quite a new meaning when you know don't have so much of it. I could have been anywhere else, learning useful things, but I was stuck there and felt utterly alone despite being in a room full of people.

But I made it. 

I got my Master degree, with good marks and a distinction. I held on and it paid. It was not all for nothing. I have a degree, "in case of". I hope, just another one in the long list of degree I wish to get. But the first master degree.
It's such a relieve, to know that it's finally done and over. I won't have to think about it anymore.
And it feels like a revenge: I made it with good marks, while not even trying to work on it. I know how some of my classmate had a hard time to make it through the classes. They worked for the finals, and worked for assignments, and weirdly enough they also made fun of me being always doing something else, studying things they saw as useless, you know, like literature and History... For once, you know what? I'm proud of being a small genius. I got my Master degree and didn't even need to use my brain, and also got some pretty awesome diplomas with my online classes.

Subliminal message

Lea gave me a book to read, and I think there was a subliminal message. It's called " La femme parfaite est une connasse". The whole book is a succession of small texts about how no one is "the perfect woman", the one we see in films and magazine or on pinterest. The book describes this legendary creature of the woman who is polite, kind, stylish, cooks her meals from locally grown vegetables she bought from a solidarity market, the one who's nails and hair are always perfect, but it looks effortless, etc.
And Lea said "sometimes, you remind me of her". Apparently, I am sort of a Connasse. which sounds quite true, since, indeed, I try my best to get closer to an ideal I gave myself as a goal. So yeah, sure, I try to eat sort of healthy (well, to eat, which is a good start, somewhat regularly, which is something and sort of healthy, which is quite a challenge when living in China.) And It's true, I know how to do many things. I am not an expert, but I can somewhat sew, or knit, or write, things like that. I just try to learn as many things as possible. It was after all part of my education: those who raised me wanted me to be an independent woman, with many skills and talents. Some are more unexpected than other. I learnt more than what my initial lady-like education foresaw for me. I watched and learn as many things as possible and tried to give myself as many tools to succeed in life and give myself as many opportunities as possible. And apparently, as I learn more, I remind Lea of the Connasse, the one that can do anything and everything. Is it such a bad thing?
It seems to surprise quite a lot of people how many skills you can accumulate in 24 years. I tried as many things as possible, and it made me grow and helped me built myself.
I met a friend of Lea and Carine and she seemed properly astonished of what I had done in 24 years, and I felt quite self  conscious, being the weird kid again. She teased me about it, asking what I couldn't do, as if my abilities were somewhat fake or not to be taken seriously. She didn't intend to be mean or anything, but it sort of hurt anyway. Being the know-it-all, the weirdo that one don't really take seriously. "you can't really do all these things, right". I didn't feel legitimate, whatever I was doing. It felt like I was cheating, since people seemed to consider that it should be hard of require work and effort and time. To me it felt natural, and somewhat evident. I learn practical things by watching people, without really thinking about it. I study because it's easy and because it helps me keep busy. I don't see it as a special gift or talent. I just learn. It's me. the compulsive learner. So since I never had to put a real effort on it, it felt fake.

Then I realized that I can't do anything about it. I did learn all these things. I didn't have to work a lot, maybe, but I had the curiosity and the right mindset. I couldn't prevent me from doing it, for the life of me! Then why should I me the one feeling inadequate and and fake? why should I be self conscious about learning skills by just watching people.
My awesome twin has been saying it for quite a while, but I guess it needed some time to sink in.
Yeah, I can speak several language, and I can sew, and cook, and knit, and make furniture, and cut hair, and write books, and run 10 kilometers in less than an hour, and I can dance, and I can sing, and I play the violin, and the cello, and so many other things. I'm no expert, sure, but I can do all these things.
doesn't make me less legit than people who took years to learn it. It doesn't make me a weirdo, just a somewhat skilled girl.I guess it will take some time to sink in, but I don't intend on stopping learning things, and I will definitely not blush about it.

Talking about hair, Again!

Okay, as you already know, I love talking about hair. usually about mine, because it's the one I got to tame the more often.

And as hair goes, I'm quite a weird creature, being the only ginger with green hair I know.
Earlier today, Lea found a picture of a hair cut she liked and said she wanted to go to the hair dresser. Since the prices here are incredibly low (I got my nails done for 5,5€) I guessed I could go with her. I've been thinking about doing something to my hair for a while but I didn't know what. After a brief conversation with the rest of my brain I decided to go back to my usual long bob. (coming from the girl who complains she wants to have long hair, it shouldn't even surprise you)
So I went to the hair dresser with Lea. we got our hair washed and then, time for a new cut.I had uploaded a picture of what I wanted on my phone. The guy cut a small length of hair at a time, to be sure it was exactly what I wanted. Which is cool, since according to many people finding a hair dresser that does exactly what you want is quite exceptional!
So I am back to my usual long bob. Long enough to make a ponytail, a bun and some nice hairstyle, short enough not to bother me if I don't tie it. And if I'm lazy and the get back to their usual messy / wavy it will still look good. I'm pretty happy with it!

Lea was not that lucky. she asked for a long fringe and a layered cut, and she ended up with a fringe way shorter than she wanted. It looks really good on her, but she'll need time to get used to it. And next time she wants to a new hair cut, I'll probably be the one cutting her hair.

Autumn in China

I love autumn. To me it always had a special atmosphere. being back to school always feel like a fresh start, an opportunity to learn more, to work differently. The weather, being colder makes it easier for me to wear long sleeves and nice outfits. A skirt, a pair of boots and a light jackets. it feels more comfy and I'm less self conscious about what people see of me. Autumn has this special atmosphere, of being both an end and a beginning. I love the colours. The leaves dark brown to bright yellow, through all the shades of red and oranges. The whisper of the wind, in the branches, forming new carpets of leaves. I could walk in the woods for hours. The taste of pumpkin and warm food. The rain, that washes everything, while I sit on the other side of the window, with a cup of hot tea, listening to the drops crashing against the glass. There is that feeling of warmth and of safety that I associate with Autumn. Autumn is the season of artistic creation for me. Writing and creating worlds and story. There is the Nanowrimo, of course, but It's more general than that. 

But here every thing is different. We are in October and I can't find any of this.
I live in China. I don't really realize it. I still feel like I'll only be here for some weeks, a couple of month, but no: I live here. I've got a flat, an address, everything. I live in Chine. And here, October tastes different. It feels like I get the summer I hadn't back in France, wearing shorts and t-shirt. since I still haven't been assigned to a class, I don't even have a real rhythm of life.

I have many ideas and projects to write about, but the mood is not the same. I am torn between my need to settle here, and make myself a life in China and my wish to stay home and write all day long. It feels good to finally feel that call again. I have so many ideas, so many stories that only wait to be developed and written about.
I'll try to make the two work together. Make some time for my projects, without turning into my usual hermit.