Procrastination

So.
I have the story. I have the plot, the characters.
I mostly know what I am supposed to write.
And yet here I am.
Struggling to put one word in front of the other.
My brain keeps slipping away, unable to focus.
I have trouble visualizing scenes, finding a rhythm in the dialogues.
And it's frustrating.
I am constantly behind on my word count, but I can't seem to be able to get my brain to just
focus.
Stray thoughts, teeth rattling,
I hate when I am there.
Where's the hyper fixation when I need it? 

On the difficulty of setting priorities

 So many things I want to do and only a limited amount of time available.

My side of the living room is quite an apt representation of what's inside my heads.
Piles of books I want to read, Notebooks for classes I want to complete. Binders and textbooks and folders for work.
There are piles of fabric for things I want to create, costumes and clothes alike. Some work in progress on top of the already unstable stack.
Boxes of knitting equipment and a bagful of yarn balls.

I want to be more stylish so I want to sew more, but if I dedicate my time to sewing it means I do not have time for writing anymore.
I want to be knowledgeable and well read so I can't sacrifice my daily reading while commuting to knitting, but then when am I ever going to find time to use all the yarn I have and all the ideas that lurk inside my brain?
I also want to watch more movies, keep an eye on the news, practice my foreign languages, have a social life, stay fit (if not even fitter)

I am of a rather passionate disposition. I like throwing myself completely into something and give it my all, sleep and sanity included if required.
The problems start when my brain can't decide what to hyper focus on.
I've always lives with the feeling that every minute counts and that I am constantly running of time, which can be a great source of motivation, but also become very difficult when it comes to setting priorities.
Choosing between hobbies is like choosing which version of me I am going to give up on.
I know it sounds harsh and overly dramatic, but this is how my brain reacts to choices.
It is the underlying terror of not becoming enough, not doing enough, not trying hard enough that fuels me into trying to become an excellent jack of all trades.

Do I want to be a craftsman or do I want to be an academic? Do I want to be a writer or a reader? Do I want to be strong or flexible.
Those are some the questions that keep me awake at night.

An Ode to Shyness

 Photo by Pragyan Bezbaruah from Pexels

« L’enfer c’est les autres » Hell is other people, Jean Paul Sartre wrote in his play No Exit.

By this, he didn’t mean that the presence of other people is insufferable, but that, should my relationship with others be tainted, then life altogether becomes tainted.
Sartre wrote extensively on what the other’s gaze does to someone.
In Being and Nothingness, he argues that without the gaze of the other, it is impossible to be aware of one’s self, since, only through the other’s gaze can one see themselves as object. Only through the other’s gaze can they see themselves from another perspective.
We see ourselves because others see us.
This is, according to him a necessary element to re-evaluate one’s self.
I don’t believe our era is any vainer that the previous ones, but I do believe that the social pressure surrounding the way we present ourselves has taken a different shape.
With social media, we aren’t only submitted to the gaze of people we encounter, but also to the gaze of complete strangers who live half the world away. All while being told “not to pay attention to what people think” in fear of becoming shallow, vain and superficial.
But according to Sartre, not paying attention to another’s gaze is not only impossible, but also not advisable. Foregoing the other’s gaze is also to forego our only tool at re-assessing who we are and who we want to be. How can we know the limits of our self if we don’t have a mirror to look at.
So no, paying attention to how people perceive you doesn’t make you an awful self-centered person.
I am very shy and quite very self-conscious and I have often been chastised by my friends and family for being so concerned with what people thought of me. I’d then feel guilty every time I didn’t do something because I felt too uncomfortable, admonishing myself to stop caring and just do the damn thing like everybody else.
This, as you might imagine didn’t really help my self-esteem. I’d either feel like a coward for not daring to do something or if I actually did the thing I’d feel like awfully uncomfortable and exposed, sometimes accompanied by a fair deal of feeling like a fraud.
On rare occasions I admit I would actually be glad I had managed to grab hold on my courage.
We live in a society in which being shy is seen as a flaw, an obstacle to overcome. The media is full of extraverts, of larger than life personalities, of people whose lives revolve around interaction and attention. Actors, politicians, influencers. Popularity and extravagance are qualities to revere.
We are being told to embrace our lives and live it to the fullest. And in those narratives, not doing something because it makes you uncomfortable is presented as a failure. As a missed opportunity.

Shyness, prudishness and general dislike for public attention are looked down as flaws. Introverts are often told to “open up”. Shy people are told to “learn to let go” or to “be brave”.
In short, those traits, which we perceive thanks to the reflection society presents us of ourselves, are seen as negative.
But what if we did “embrace who we are”? Embraced the shyness. Embraced the Prudishness.
We know society is biased towards extraversion, so the mirror in which we see ourselves is not impartial. It is biased, bent by society’s expectations and values. So, though the image that we see in it is useful, we need to be aware of its distortion.
Shyness doesn’t have to be a terrible flaw to be overcome, but simply a trait of your personality. Something to be claimed and respected.
We saw with the lockdown how relying on outside interactions to have a sense of existence can also be harmful. So why not embrace your shyness?
It took me a while to figure out how to do this.
To me, it boiled down to two things:
— figuring out what really made me the happiest
— feeling around my shyness and prudishness to figure out its limits and what I could tolerate.
The first step for me was to stop making myself uncomfortable by feeling like I had to overcome my shyness, by forcing myself to be outwardly and extrovert when I didn’t feel like it. We don’t all need to be under the spot light and I am actually glad to leave it to those who enjoy it. I am happier living a quiet unassuming life. It’s not very sexy. It’s not novel worthy. But all in all, that’s how I feel the happiest. It took a while to get rid of the idea that I was wasting opportunities.
Then, I learnt to say no to things I knew would make me uncomfortable, even if it would help my popularity or my image. If goes with the first step, but this one is more about resisting the siren call of well-meaning people who see shyness as an obstacle.
It took a while, but it actually helped me find out which of the people I called friends actually loved me for who I am and not just for who I forced myself to look like. People learnt to see me in smaller committee, not to pressure me into doing things I didn’t feel comfortable with.
And finally, I learnt to explore my shyness, on my own, and see how far I felt comfortable going.
It’s not that people’s gaze has stopped influencing me. It’s that I used it to re-assess my priorities and I am now much more at peace with the reflection people show me of myself.
So, do look at what people show you of yourself, and embrace it. Or change it. But don’t let it feel inadequate.

This article appeared in the fourth issue of Antigone, Seeing. You can read it here.

On The Benefits of Being An Outsider

Photo by Ivan Bertolazzi from Pexels

Have you ever felt like you were utterly inadequate in doing something and that whatever you were doing couldn’t possibly be what was expected of you? Have you ever felt like you were somehow a fraud and that you were going to be discovered? Or that you do not deserve praises because you really had no idea what you were doing?

You probably have. Like 60 to 70% of people during their lifetime.
Those are usually signs of what is called the imposter syndrome, coined by Psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne A. Imes in 1978[i]. It describes different experiences in which someone might feel that they are not deserving of the responsibility or praise they are being given and subsequently develops mechanisms to compensate this feeling.
If you recognized yourself in those questions and descriptions, don’t worry. The first thing you need to remember is that you are not alone.
Neil Gaiman [ii]mentioned struggling with this, despite the countless prizes that he received, Neil Armstrong admitted feeling unworthy of all the praises.
How can those people feel illegitimate when they have done things as impressive as Walking on the moon? And if those people, experts in their fields don’t feel legitimate despite their success, how could we possibly feel legitimate in doing anything?
Well the first step might be to give up on the idea that we need to be experts to do something great.
Often times we give up on projects before even trying because we feel like we ought to know more about it before doing it or because we think we ought to build up our skills before embarking in such an endeavour. But if even masters of their trades feel inadequate, then why wait? Why not give it a try.
The difficulty of the imposter syndrome is that it’s all in your head, and it can be very difficult to acknowledge that your brain might be what’s holding you back and recognising its patterns. But one you have noticed, the only thing you need to do is convince your brain. No big life change, no requirement for money or time. Just good old auto-persuasion. After all, if you managed to persuade yourself that you shouldn’t be here, it means that you have the necessary influence to convince yourself of the opposite too.
In her Ted Talk, Amy Cuddy[iii], a social psychologist suggests that before facing a situation in which you know you’ll feel vulnerable or exposed, you should try to take a power pose for 30 seconds to two minutes. Forcing your body into a specific attitude boosts your hormones and in turn helps you act more confident even in stressful situations. Though it might feel preposterous or ridiculous at first, it is important to keep in mind that you have nothing to lose by trying. Lock yourself in the toilets for 2 minutes, stand up and strike your best pose. Take deep breaths and remember.
Don’t wait to start your dream projects on the premise that you don’t have the skills. Start your big project by planning what skill you need to develop in order to achieve it, research and practice those. Each will be a step not towards your big project but as part as your big project.
Establishing a clear battle plan that encompasses all the steps of the project that initially felt daunting helps realise that it is actually doable and only requires dedication. This in turn allows you to be more realistic about the work and effort you put into it and to be kinder to yourself.
But most importantly, remember that it is okay not to be an expert. If you really feel like an outsider faking that you know what you’re doing, take a step back. Outsiders often provide interesting ideas out of the box.
Embrace your doubt and use it. You feel terrifyingly illegitimate? Ask around and learn to accept constructive criticism. Ask questions, demand pointers, get feedback all through whatever it is that you feel illegitimate. Be vocal about feeling like an outsider.
In a society that praises confidence and extroversion, it is easy to feel inadequate, but the more we’ll talk about it, the least isolated we’ll feel in our struggle to recognise our worth and potential.

[i] The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention Pauline Rose Clance & Suzanne Imes, Georgia State University University Plaza Atlanta, Georgia 30303 https://www.paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf

[ii] http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2017/05/the-neil-story-with-additional-footnote.html

[iii] Amy Cuddy : your body language can change who you are, TED Talk October 1st 2012 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc&list=PLqU1y-7uPYvTDcq8SK2fCFuSn4HvUyZW1&index=1

This article appeared in the third issue of Antigone, Centre & Margin. You can read it here.

I miss running

Yesterday I looked at the departure board and saw that my train was arriving.
And I ran.
I don't remember when the last time I ran was. But right there, I just bolted.
And suddenly the world came into focus.
Something lifted in my chest and I felt lighter.
I felt freer.
And I ran.
I ran and my lungs felt fuller.
My feet hit the ground and I felt bolder.

I am in good shape despite not having left the flat much in the last months.
But running is not about being in a good shape.
It triggers something else. Something stronger.
There is some kind of gleeful freedom in running.

Anger

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I must be strong and let myself being dominated by my emotions.
I am quick to anger and it burns so easily and so hot. This is not a fire I know how to put out. It's there, roaring and eating away at my insides while I do my best to breath in, breath out, count to ten, count to twenty, drown myself in numbers and try to ignore the obvious.
I am angry.
I am angry and I am frustrated.
I can't tell if I am being unfair or not. I don't think I am, but I have learnt to distrust myself enough that I don't know whether I am right or wrong.
But the anger it there.
And it hurts.
Don't be afraid, I will not let it affect me. You will not have to put up with it.
But know that deep down, that fire is still roaring hours later and I am not okay.

That taste of inadequation

I am not good at making friends.
I am very judgemental, and therefore very selective. I have little time and even less emotional energy.
So I shouldn't actually mind not having many friends because it means that the small number I have I can actually take care of.
And I do try not to mind.
I don't see them much but I think of them and send them trinkets and postcards and messages to show them I care. I don't know how to sustain a conversation so they often die out.
I have been trying to be more sociable but it doesn't seem to work really well.
I'm afraid I sound shallow.
Or too eager.
I don't know.
Why do I care so much, when I am not even being a good friend to the friends I have?
It doesn't make any sense.

The bitter feeling of purpose

The message started with "Professor" and in short it was a call for help.

I don't remember going through a lot of questioning about being a lesbian when I was a teen.
But then I don't have many memory of that period. It's all a bit vague and fuzzy. In the middle of the fog there will sometimes be a startlingly precise snapshot of a moment. Some good, but not many.
I don't really know how I came to term with loving women. I thought I was bi for a while.
But I don't remember struggling much about it. I had other more pressing matters that kept me busy enough with dread and despair.
I am one of the lucky ones. Though my coming out wasn't the smoothest, it did not have any long lasting consequences. But I have read, and I have witnessed and I have listened.
So when this kid came out to me, so shy they barely said anything, I tried my best.
I tried to be supportive, and reassuring, and helpful.
But we haven't been at school in weeks, so I hadn't had news from them in weeks.
Until yesterday.
In the evening I got a message for an unknown handle on Discord.
But it started with "Professor" and in short was a call for help.
So I stopped everything I was doing and tried my best.

My teen years were, to put it mildly a long and terrifying trek through hell and school had been the source of a non negligible amount of my problems.
I have been told that I am good at my job, and I think this is why.
I never received any formation on how to teach or how to be a teacher. I learnt on the job.
But I remember being a student. and not a good one at that.
I remember the tiredness, the mood swings, the lack of motivation, the stress, the anxiety.
I remember questioning what I looked like, what I wore, what I said, who were my friends.
I remember wanting to do good but being unable to do anything.
I remember the night spent waiting for sleep, and I remember the nightmares.
I remember the pain from the pit that was gaping in my stomach while I tried not to be too much of a disappointment.
I remember other things that I don't care to put into writing. I am at peace with who I was and what I did but it doesn't mean that I like dwelling on it.

So when I look at my students, all I can think of is:
Dear God, don't let them trudge through hell alone like I did.
Let me make their day just a little bit more bearable. Just a little more interesting. Just a little bit less lonely.
Let me spare just one kid from the hell I lived.
This is why I love my job.
It's terribly paid, very frustrating, incredibly draining. It's stressful and though I easily work 50 hours a week I keep hearing that teachers are all lazy.
But it gives me a sense of purpose.

The message started with "Professor" and in short it was a call for help.
So I answered.
To the best of my abilities.
I said Your health and your safety are what's more important.
I said I am proud of you for looking for help. It isn't easy, but you did, and I am glad for that.
I said I know it is hard and you hurt, but you don't have to be alone. There are people here for you. And I'll be one of them if you need me.
I said I know feeling lost in your own body, in your own mind, in your own identity is terrible and it feels hopeless, but I promise it isn't. I promise you will find yourself and you will find balance and you will be happy in the end. Don't lose hope.

There was a call for help and I tried my best.
If I can make their life just a little less terrifying, then it will have been entirely worth it to keep going when I, so many years ago felt like giving up.

On staying home

Due to the spread of the Corona Virus, my school (and every school in the country) has been shut down until further notice.
This came as a shock to everybody, but I guess especially to me. I don't follow the news much so I didn't know how bad it was. I followed what was happening in Wuhan because of my friends there but otherwise, I rarely know what's happening in the country I live in.
It was eerie going to work on Friday, not knowing when I'll be back. I took everything I thought I would need to teach from home. I tried to prepare the students to the best of my abilities, to give them tips and ideas. And then the bell rang and I went home.
And now I am home.
My gym has closed, my dance classes have been cancelled so I have no reason to go out.
And... It's a relief.
I mean.... I kind of love my life at the moment.
I don't have to wake up at ungodly hours to commute, I can still teach and I finally have time to focus on the million of project that I never have time for.
Being forbidden from going outside has lifted the usual guilt I have when staying home.
The feeling that I should be doing something that matters. Seeing friends, exploring the world, making new experiences, making memories.
I am an introvert at heart, though I may be very out going for an introvert. Socializing is costly and usually born off a feeling of guilt and shame.
The lock down feels like a relief. A welcome moment out of time, a parenthesis where I can rest and grow.
Knit and sew and study. Maybe write. Maybe read.
And rest.
It feels like casting off a weight I didn't know I carried.

On unmatched love

I have come to realize that i love my best friend more than she loves me.
I think I have known for a long time.
I don't blame her. It's not something she does. I just think I give more value to our friendship than she does.
She has social anxiety so I have always been the one maintaining our relationship. She is not good at answering her phone and answering messages. I think she is sorry for it but unapologetic at the same time. "It's not because I have a phone that I have to be available all the time." and she is right about that. From our conversations on MSN to the pictures of cute bunnies I send her, I have always been the one initiating our conversations. It kind of hurts because I hate to beg for attention but hey, it's that or not having news for months in a row. So I try. I send her pins, messages, posts, texts, small reminders that I exist and I love her and I miss her always.
She has social anxiety and planning/organizing stuff exhausts her so she keeps that energy for those who she wouldn't see if she didn't make the effort. But since I make the effort, I guess she felt like she could rely on me to plan stuff.
But it means that more than once, I tried but she didn't meet me half way and screwed my evening, day, weekend.
She doesn't do it on purpose. she doesn't do it out of malice. I know that. But it hurts.
My mum once said that she is not a very good friend. And she took it very badly. She was hurt by the comment.
But I think my mother is right. She is a great person, but not a great friend. At least not to me.
Oh she loves me! She truly does.
But we both know that I shouldn't rely on her for any kind of emergency. Or book time for her before she actually confirms (which, since she doesn't communicate much makes it a tad difficult) and that even then there is a not-zero chance that she might not come.

I think I can safely say that she's always been a priority for me. Making sure that she is happy, that I see her, that she feels loved.
She is important to me. and I though that was enough.
I thought loving her was enough and that it didn't matter if she didn't love me as much or as well. That loving her was the point of friendship and that true friendship meant taking the extra step and meeting her where she was. Not asking from her anything more than what she would voluntarily give.
This is what a good person would say, would do, would feel.

The problem is that I am not exactly a good person.
I try to, but I am not.
I am possessive, constantly afraid of being forgotten and abandoned and to end up alone.
I am not jealous, but definitely envious.
I am probably much too self-centered and at least a bit egotistic. Selfish at heart, despite my best efforts in action.

And at the end of the day, I am not sure I am enough of a good person to be satisfied by loving her unconditionally.
I want to be loved unconditionally back. I want to be chose over. I want to be a priority. I want to get random marks of affection from the person I cherish the most.
And deep down it has made me miserable. I'm good enough at compartmentalizing that it is not an issue. but every once in a while there'd be something, a detail, a cancelled event, a message left unanswered, a comment, that wakes the pain up.
And each time I'd hurt, I'd tell myself "If you really love her, then you mustn't resent her for that, because she doesn't do it on purpose and you cannot ask more of her".
And I'd take the pain and seal it away and shrug.

But I am not doing exactly great these days.
I'm probably just a little over worked. So I am tired, which in turns mean I am probably too emotional, not really rational.
And the last little something was just too much.
It's nothing really. A missed opportunity to see each other due to her not responding in time, a wasted evening, a comment.
I know I am not a great person and that I should probably work on being more humble and more grateful. But here it is.
This small comment was too much. It wrecked me.
It profoundly wrecked me to my chore.
It woke up the pain and I wasn't capable of dismissing it this time.
It was there and I couldn't ignore it.

And Oh Boy it hurt.
How it hurt.
She will never love me as I love her.
No matter how much of myself I give, no matter how much of myself I give up, she will never love me like I do.
She will never be the one to initiate our conversations.
She will never choose me over.
Because I'll always be there.
She takes me for granted. And she's probably right to do so. I love her too much to abandon her anyway. I have loved her for so long I don't think I would recognize my life without her.
And Oh Boy this realization hurt.

I often feel lonely but I know I have only myself to blame for that.
After all I am the one building walls between and my friends.
Maintaining composure. Maintaining appearances. Never show weakness.
They mustn't know that I am not invincible. That things can get to me.
I am invincible. I am always here. Always reliable. Distant but rock solid.
So loneliness is a pain I'm familiar with. Intimate even.
But I can only blame myself for that.

There aren't any walls like that between me and her.

And right there, right then, as the wave of nausea and pain washed over me I thought,
Well maybe it should.
Maybe I could take some of the bricks from somewhere else and put them between me and her. Protect myself. I know she doesn't mean to harm me. But the pain is still there.
And I don't have to put up with it.

I have, out of love, out of loyalty, out of the puppy eyed admiration I have had for her since I met her and I was 15 and I was in love with her.
But I don't have to.

There are other people who I should take better care of.
People who like me, who love me and who might love me even more if I gave them the opportunity. If I invested more in them, in their friendship.
Maybe I should pay more attention to those who are here despite the distance I keep, despite my lack of time, despite everything.

I read something.
"It is unfair for those who love you to focus on those who don't."
And it helped.

I love her. I always have and always will.
But maybe It's time to question my priority.

Blood is thicker than water

But without water one dies.

I might be slowly, quietly, saying goodbye to my father.
I grew up terrified of the man.
I knew he loved me and I loved him back.
But I was scared.
Scared of his outbursts. Of how his voice carried when he was angry. Of the way his hands moved.
I grew up listening for the sound of the metal gate at the entrance of our driveway.
When our family crumbled and he couldn't house us anymore, I said:
Good.
I had decided I wouldn't go back to his place.
But my father was hurt and he needed us. So I kept quiet.
I hadn't been unwilling to see him, only to live with him.
So I was there.
Recovery was slow and difficult.
It changed him.
So when he got himself a place, to start again, to rebuild his life, his family, I said:
Fine.
And I moved in.
I helped us settle.
I chose to give him a second chance.
I don't think he ever understood this.
I accepted to pack luggage every two weeks despite the anxiety it gave me.
I accepted not to mention our previous life. Not to talk about how fucked up I was because of it.
I chose to be there.
Oh he is a loving father.
I never doubted it.
He will do crazy things for love. Drive, buy, build.
But here is the catch Dad.
This was never what I needed.
I need you to be mine. to be my dad.
I need you to choose me.
chose me over others.

I grew up terrified of being abandoned.
Because I wasn't good enough. Not serious enough, not studious enough, not quiet enough, not smart enough.
I was always terrible at making friends.
And even worse at keeping them.
My life is a long list of people that I used to be friends with.
So yes.
I am possessive.
I am jealous.
I am terrified of being alone.

We were never a tightly knit family, but at least we are a family. Right?
We would always chose each other over the rest.
What a comforting though.
Even if I give up on anyone else, you'll still be there.
You'll pick me over anyone else.
No strangers in our ranks.

My friends are often surprised to discover how much of my life I compartmentalize.
I guess I don't trust my friends to remain my friends if they meet my other friends.

When G asked me to disappear from her life, it hurt.
I had thought we would remain friends.
We had friends in common.
But I am terrible at maintaining friendship.
I was never chosen over in a separation.
So I lost my friends.
Even my best friend who refused to choose me over.

When you met Morgane's mother I was scared.
Scared of what would happen if you guys broke up.
Or worse, of what would happen if Morgane and I broke up.
Would I have to choose you over my best friend?
Would you have to choose between your girlfriend or your daughter?
I don't think I would have ever required this of you.
But I was scared. Because this were two spheres of my life colliding.
I was scared that the shock might push me aside. throw me away.
Make me disappear.

Discarding me is a national sport.
I say I am used to it but to be honest I am not.
I became independent because I didn't know how to be good enough for people to stick around.
I was lonely. I became solitary.

But I would always have my family.
People who would be there for me, even when all my friends had deserted.
People who would be there for me.

"I am happy for you" You said when we announced that H and I were going to get a civil union.
"I am happy for you" You said as I left the kitchen.
I put on my coat, grabbed my bag, said good bye to every one.
I was going to leave and you said:
"G passes her best wished to all the family"
And I froze.
And my stomach dropped.
And in my chest my heart beat hard.

Because here is the thing.
I wanted you to have chosen me over.
I wanted you to have heard my pain and said goodbye to her.
I wanted you to have never spoken to her again.
She had asked me to disappear and dutifully I had done so.
I had lost my friends in the process.
"it's his life, his flat, his choices. get over yourself." She had told me when I had found out that you had housed her. In our flat.
The flat where I kept my stuff.
The flat I had helped you move in.
The flat where I accepted to move in.
"Get over yourself" she said. Not in those terms I will concede.
But I didn't want to.
You were my dad. You were supposed to pick me over,
you were supposed to choose me over.
When everybody else left you were supposed to be mine still.
I didn't have to share you with strangers.
Am I afraid of being replaced by someone who is better than me?
Yes.
I have always been.
But I thought at least I wouldn't have to compete with anyone to be my parent's daughter.

But here is the thing.
I know my father loves me.
But not enough to choose me.
He loves me because he is my father.
But not because of who I am.
He loves me because he never had to choose me.

Opinions diverge here.
I might be asking too much. That I should accept that one's ability to love is not limited to a number of people and that my father is allowed to maintain his friendship with my ex-girlfriend even when she banished me from her life and that this doesn't make him love me any less.
That I am unfair. That I am immature. That I am too possessive.
And I understand all that. I have come to accept this for everybody.
Except my parents.
Cold love and broken bones never cured me from the primal need that I have to be loved by my parents.

So here it is.
I must accept to share.
I must accept that I might not be enough for my father. That he needs to care for other people. That he needs to feel loved and appreciated and that he needs the positive validation of being a father figure to others.
I cannot provide that.
I am not enough.

I do not trust you not to hurt me.
You might not hit me anymore.
But it still hurts.
You do not want to choose me.
Fine.
You don't have to,
But neither do I.
I do not have to hurt myself.
I do not have to try to earn your exclusive love.

So I will mourn my filiation.
I will quietly mourn my desire to have my father for myself.
I will quietly mourn my belief that no matter what you'd always choose me.
I will quietly mourn my need to be in your life.

Oh I won't disappear.
Not completely.
I'll be there if you need me.
But I won't need you anymore.
I won't rely on you.
It's okay.

On commitment

I asked.
We are going to become official.
Not a wed couple but the closest thing.
I asked.
To me this is a big thing.
We both are children of divorces. We have seen what marriage looks like when it crumbles down.
And to make it even better I have a record of breaking engagements.
Commitment isn't my strong suit.
And yet.
And yet.
And yet I asked.
I asked because I want to go abroad.
I want to go on an adventure.

I was discussing this with a friends a couple of weeks ago and she casually reminded me that if I wanted H to come with me, I had to pay attention to the dates and we'd need to get our status updated.
That was the pebble in the pond.
I started thinking.
Do I want H to come with me?
I like being my own captain, go wherever I want, not have to take anyone into account.
But he makes me feel safe. I might not go as far with him, but would I really go at all if I was alone or would I just keep postponing? I feel safer with him. I wouldn't be alone so the leap of faith doesn't seem as scary.
I am strong but he makes me stronger.
I can stand on my own, but it's easier to do it when he is by my side.
I want us to share this.

So I asked.
I sat there, staring at him and asking myself whether this was the right thing.
Is it true this time?
Do I really want this?
And he said yes.
And I felt so relieved.
This was like a weight off my chest. Had I been worried all this time?
I am so wary of toxic relations, so scared of being manipulated, gaslighted.
So afraid to commit myself to anything.
but he said yes and I felt so relieved.
Had I been afraid that he might say no?
Had I been afraid of it being the wrong timing?
Had I been afraid of not being the right person?
He said yes and laughed to see me so flustered. He laughed and smiled and said of course.
He said he was going to ask me soon. I am glad I did it though.

We ate and discussed plans. Realistic ones and fantasy ones.
We ate and we walked home.
We took the long way despite my high heels, because he knows I like walking the quiet streets at night.
We took the long way despite the cold because it was nice to be out.
We laughed as we got home.
And all was well.

Space to breath

When things get rough I tell myself:
"God will never give me more than I can handle"

Paul tells us: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it”
(1 Corinthians 10:13)

When my breath is short I tell myself.
"nothing more than what I can handle"
When my heart pounds against my ribs.
"nothing more than what I can handle"
When my sight gets blurry and my hands shake.
"nothing more than what I can handle"

It is hard, it is painful but I shall endure.
Never more than what I can handle.
One step at a time I climb my mountain.
I shall not fall and I shall not break.

Never more than what I can endure 

The passing of time

I grow in my extremes, in paradox, in contradictions.
And I think I am fine with it.
I don't think I ever thought I actually grow up.
I never projected me much. All I knew was I wanted to be it. Whatever that is.

It is still true.
As I get older I become calmer, more organized.
I am tougher. I know all my demons. We cohabitate, mostly fine. Mostly.

I'm used to them and it's enough for me. Trying to shade them now would require more time and effort than I am willing to put in them. I'd rather invest in building myself.

The more I think about it, I realize that it is not so much failure that I am afraid of, but of mundanity.

I don't want to be just one more shadow. one more nameless grown up who used to have dreams and projects. I don't want daily life and petty concerns erase who I am.

I want to be bigger than my shrinking existence. I want to be brighter. I want to be remarkable.

I want to make something. I want to write. I want to create.

I'm bending time and trying to make sure that I don't let life grind me down.
I will steal time. Minutes here and there to create, to read, to learn.
I will make time, tighten my schedule where I must.
I will not give up.

Running out

The alarm goes off at 5.
Time to wake up and get ready. It's still dark outside.
6:11. I take the train, then the subway and then grab a bike. 17 minutes.
I have a bit more than 45 minutes before my first class starts. Check today's lesson, mark papers.
Mark papers.
Mark papers.
The bell rings and it's time to shine. Smile, encourage, be patient, be strict, be fair.
Hours fly by. Quick lunch then back to my desk.
Mark papers.
Mark papers.
Check today's class. Try to look human and to socialise too. It's important. Invest time in social interactions they say.
The bell goes off and back on stage.
In the class I feel like a whale in a too small tank.
Go to the teachers' room, say good bye to the rest of the staff.
Bike, Subway, Train. I try to read. This will be my only recess today.
Home. Fold laundry and put it away. Do the washing up. Check tomorrow's classes.
Mark papers.
Mark papers.
The bathroom needs cleaning. I should vacuum. The kitchen needs cleaning.
Gentle words and small attentions. He needs care and gentleness.
Food, Shower.
Don't think about tomorrow. Don't think about tomorrow. It will come soon enough. Too soon.
The alarm goes off at 5.