Take my hand.

I want to be courted.
I want to fall in love again.
I want a story, an adventure.
I want to feel the Earth sway under my feet.
Maybe I've read too much,
Maybe I have too high expectations.
I want challenges and bravery and surprises.
I want to feel my heart beat hard in my chest.
I want butterflies down in my belly,
Electricity running from the sole of my feet to the tips of my fingers.
I want the rush of adrenaline,
My ribcage caving in from the pressure,
I want my breath to be taken away
I want to be taken away.
Let's kill dragons together,
Climb mount Everest,
Ride horses through empty plains,
Jump of a cliff into the ocean,
Go out and look at the stars
Wake up to watch the sunrise.

What makes you proud

I've been consuming a lot of content recently. It had been a while. Getting that passionate about things, getting my whole little universe submerged in something.
I can sound pretty mundane, but for the eco system that lives in my head, this is always a major event. Doesn't happen often. I can be touched by a book or a movie, and like it and be inspired by it, but sometimes it will be different, like a stain glass that would completely change the colours and the perspetive inside me. It will change how I divide my attention between things, how I look at the world around me and it will definitely change what I create.

I haven't created much this year so far. But I have done other things. Going to the gym, trying to see some friends, feeding some good work habits, thinking about different art endeavours that I want to explore.
According to my own standards, this doesn't amount to much and yet, it makes a big difference.
I feel more at peace with what I do. It feels less like a fleeing race and more like an exhilarating race forward.

I realized that I want to build things. I want to create.
I want to see things and experience the world to feed my inner world.
I am proud of the skills I develop and hone and I realize that the only one standing between me and what I want to do, who I want to be, is me.
I guess it took me a while to figure myself out.
It took time. To weave together all the pieces, all the different lives together. To reconcile the fire inside and all the scared tissues, all the experiences, good and bad. The things I want to be when I grow up and the things I thought I ought to be and to do.
I was sold that good virtues make people happier.
It cost me a lot to learn that it doesn't mean that I must sacrifice myself to have value to others.

I was standing by the kitchen window recently, smoking. It doesn't happen much these days. Almost never, to be fair. A vice I thought I would never shed away and yet.
I was standing there, looking at the way the light plays on the city, black, purple and blueish against the golden sky. And it dawned on me that I had turned 28.
I am very fine with that fact. No existencial crisis (I guess, I've been having an existencial crisis for as far as I can remember. I wish it were a pun, but nope). It's just that... I had never actually projected myself so far.
I was there, standing in my own flat, away from the desk on which I had papers to grade, for work.
I was standing there and thought about someone I don't think about very often anymore. I had said I would never forget him and yet, he drifts away.
And I remembered our promise. One made so long ago some of the kids I teach weren't even born yet. That's scary.
I hadn't forgotten about this promise, it was just somewhere in my brain, far away. And there, looking at the sunset I realized that I have actually survived. Against all odds. when we struck that pact I guess none of us actually believed we'd make it. He didn't. But I did.
I survived my family. I even managed to go back to them. We're okay now I think.
I survived school. And actually enjoyed University. So much that I can't even imagine myself not studying something anymore.
I survived the life we had together and everything I did after he left.
I survived pain, and depression and assault.
And there I was, standing, alive.
I. have. survived.
I don't exactly have a plan, but I have a list. I know that there I stuff I want to do and I very much intend on doing as may things as possible with whatever time I have.

On my own

I cannot resent anyone for me not doing anything. I only have myself to blame.
I want to do things but I was reluctant to go out alone, to go on adventures alone.
And I had a pretty definite idea of who should come with me. But I guess that it's a bit unfair. Everyone should be allowed to do whatever they want to do with their free time.
So I am going to be a little more flexible about the company I keep.
Go alone,
Just offer plans and we'll see who comes.
If nobody comes, then I'll go alone.
I am fine with that.
I can rely on myself. I'm resourceful. I don't much like my own company but I guess I can learn to live with myself.

Fair Warning

I always aspired to be strong.
I think I am.
At least I am strong enough.

Don't worry, I'll deal with it.
I can take shoulder my own load.
It won't even show.