So what is the problem?
You refused to apologise, saying I had over stepped, that I never accept to compromise and that I had been manipulative by mentioning that you cutting the conversation short because it made you feel bad.
In short. I think.
What happened?
I had come to your office to keep you posted on our trip to Leroy Merlin. Because I know you had going shopping and last time you had felt cheated when you had discovered that the list was longer than what you had expected.
So I sat down with the list to make sure we were on the same page.
I mentioned paint for the bathroom and we came to talk about windows, and I mentioned that I thought we should change the one in the bedroom for one that could open at the top so that we could air the bedroom after getting up, since the lack of ventilation is one of the reasons we have such a massive humidity problem in the bedroom.
Airing the room in the morning before the moisture settles down is basic to me. My mother does that, my grandmothers do that.
That's a habit that though I haven't put in in practice much I know is good.
I did acknowledge that you'd have to be the one doing it since you woke up after me.
And things derailed from there.
I must admit, it hadn't even crossed my mind that this would be an issue. Humidity has been such a problem in the bedroom that I thought you would embrace anything that would mitigate it. And though it might be inconvenient, the inconvenience would be very limited, what with a window that opens a the top and the curtain, you wouldn't be seen from the outside and the room would cool down rather slowly so that yes, it would be colder but probably not dramatically so.
Or at least that's what I think. Nothing that a thick robe wouldn't solve. Or a sweatshirt and sweatpants. We could even put a coat hanger on the wall for it to be immediately in arms reach for the moment you woke up.
But you said you'd be cold.
Now you and I diverge a lot on this. - I think. I might be wrong and be oblivious to my own flaws. - I am much more tolerant to physical discomfort than you are. I can put up with heat and cold and slight pain and just shrug. You seem to be either opposed to the idea of having to, or to be unable to put up with physical discomfort.
Here I am force to question whether it's a fair assumption to make. I am trying to think of similar circumstances in which I too would refuse to put up with minor inconvenience. I can't think of any. I like to think that I have a good over all control over my environment that minor inconveniences don't impact me too much.
But I am very probably lying to myself?
I tried to explain that the impact would be minimal and that given the humidity damage in the bedroom it's kind of our best option. But you said you wouldn't do it. I tried to explain my point further. I don't remember being able to finish a sentence but it might be my memory being super biased. You said you'd do it when you came back from work and I tried to point out that it would be rather ineffective.
To which point you asked to cut short the conversation because I was unwilling to actually compromise.
It felt unfair to me because the only compromise you seemed willing to take were ineffective ones. Yes, renewing the air later is also a good thing, but the problem we have is humidity damage. And given how massive it is, it seems necessary to take the best measures possible as soon as possible in order to mitigate the consequences before we can redo the bedroom.
Any sort of compromise seems like a refusal to do what is necessary to maintain our property.
Looking at the rest of the list seemed futile and I stood up saying that since you were unwilling to discuss, and you just refused to admit that I was right and it felt unfair.
To your credit, I did overstep at that point and what I said was insensitive. For which I apologised later by text and to apologise again. I shouldn't have said "you're wrong and I'm right and you just refuse to talk about anything that bothers you" give or take.
This made you all the more angry and you said that I was being unfair and that anyway I just wanted to convince you because I couldn't accept that things wouldn't be done the way /I/ want and that I was only interested in being right, not in actually discussing and meeting you half way. That I was only trying to convince you so that I wouldn't feel guilty about making you do something you don't want to do.
You threw me your car keys and stormed out.
I fished the keys from where they had fallen, left them on your desk and checked how to get there by bus. It was /a journey/ but since, as previously mentioned I do not feel confident enough to drive your car without you or someone next to me, that was my best option.
I was pretty upset.
Because most of the things you told me I could say back.
You say I refuse to compromise, I say you are unwilling to make efforts.
You say I pressure you until you cave in, I say you refuse to hear me out.
You say I only try to convince you so I wouldn't feel guilty about forcing you to do something you don't want to do, but I don't think I have any reason to feel guilty! It's frustrating to feel like I am trying to negotiate with a 15yo who thinks I am controlling and overbearing the moment I ask something vaguely inconvenient. It's not for me! I am not asking for a bloody favour! I am asking you to take necessary steps to maintain our home! And no I don't think your idea of only opening the window 8 hours later is of any use! Not given how dire the situation is. Or maybe you don't really care about the mold on the wall. But you must now it's only going to get worse. So the property loses value. I know you don't care about the aesthetic of the place, but surely you care about its value?
You say I am manipulative for pointing out that your fear of conflicts prevents us from actually talking things out. And I say you're using it as a tool not to have to listen.
You said that me refusing to use the car because I feel unqualified to drive and park it safely and that I am afraid I'd damage it is the same as you cutting short a conversation because it makes you feel unsafe. And fair I guess? But then I still do the necessary thing.
And when I tried to discuss what had happened after dinner, you said you were still angry and looking for apologies.
While I was waiting for apologies too.
So I didn't eat. But you're used to that. So you shrugged it off.
I'd rather know why I hurt.
At least I can say it's hunger.
I'd rather starve myself that give you the satisfaction of thinking you did something for me.
Because it doesn't feel okay.
I hurt and I feel drained. I feel ignored and manipulated probably exactly the same way you do. I am aware of that and yet I can't help but feel you're being unfair. And it hurts.
But maybe more insidiously, it makes me question us.
We don't have much in common. Different rhythms, different philosophies, different outlooks on life. Different hobbies.
And seeing how we hurt each other, how we both feel cheated and wronged and manipulated and how we resent the other for not acknowledging it. (or maybe it's just me. I wouldn't know, we can't talk. You can't and I don't want to anymore.)
I don't want to do anything rash. I know I am just hurt and upset. And that we probably make a good team most of the times. And that wishing for us to be in sync all the time is both dangerously naive and the recipe for too high expectations induced tragedy.
But it often feels like we are never really exactly in sync. We're not bad but we're.... We're just very British. We're... Fine.
You say the idea of me leaving you terrorises you. That it gives you anxiety because you are afraid that I am going to realise that you not good enough for me and leave. You worry about being my equal, about being good enough.
But at the same time you think I don't think highly enough of you, of your time and of your opinion. You say I am controlling and manipulative and unfair.
I can't follow. I don't know how to articulate it but these feel like contradicting signals. Am I too demanding or am I treating you as my equal?
I feel lost and hurt and I don't know what to do about it.
I am tired but I don't want to sleep.
I don't want to sleep next to you tonight. I don't want to live with you tonight. And yet I want you to come and let me talk to you and for you to listen, actually listen and for me to tempest and shout and say things without worrying about not hurting you.
I think I want to hurt you. To punish you for hurting me and making me feel like this.
And it scares me because that doesn't sound like something some in a relationship should say. "I want to hurt you back" sounds toxic and sick and shouldn't happen in a relationship.
So why do I feel like this?
I want to go to Italy but the idea of us going there stresses me out. Are you going to mind that I try to speak the language? Are you going to be upset if I go to classes without you? Am I going to be okay with us not being a picture perfect couple? Can I accept being just - fine-? Should we accept that?
I want to cry and I want to scream and my stomach hurts.
I have no idea what I am going to do.
