One foot at a time

Walk with your chin up. Shoulders back. Heel first.

Don’t let them see your fear.

Brisk strides. Sure footed.

It doesn’t matter that some wounds are still bleeding

That the nightmares still creep up on you at night.

Be.

Bright as the sun.

All devouring. A fire through dried grass.

Let them draw their own conclusions.

Have your own standards. Your own expectations.

How I accidentally passed my exams

I don't know how, but It seems that I passed all the exams I went to in January. All 7 exams. Passed with flying colours.

The university really took its time to correct our papers so I was sort of way past stressing. I had sort of forgotten about it. So when I received the email saying that our grades were in, I sort of panicked.

I quickly logged on and there they were. Grades far higher than what I usally get.

So I did a short victory dance, squealed and squeacked with happiness.

Now that the excitement is over, I wonder. How the heck did I get those grades? When is my luck going to run out?

I hadn't studied enough, that's for sure. I hadn't read most of the material. So how did I still managed to make my way through the exams undiscovered?

It seems trivial and I should be rejoying, but I can't help it. Those questions bug me and actually scare me. Sweet Monster says that I deserve all that, but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I escape a grand heist of some kind and that I might get caught at any moment. It makes me wonder at the credibility of my diploma and of my university.

On the other hand, I don't know what to do with my impressed colleagues. The one to whom I mentioned being stressed about my exams and who were kind enough to ask me how it went. "Wow, you're so impressive", "So serious", "so intelligent". I blush, I'm all flustered and I don't know what to do or what to say, because... I haven't been serious. Not as much as I could have been and certainly not as much as I should have been.

One of my colleages is passing exams too, but he takes only one a year because of all the work and preparation it requires, and I sort of feel terrible to casually pass all my exams.

I feel like a fraud. As usual. 

Sunday evenings

The holidays are over, and like every Sunday evenings, I am stressed out. Fear claws at my guts. My heart skips a bit every time I think about tomorrow.
I can't remember a time when sunday evenings did not scare me. I prepared my classes, corrected most  of the copies that were on my desk.
And yet, my hands shake and I sit restless.

I wonder where it comes from. The terror.