New year resolutions

Among my new years resolution was "finishing all my knitting projects before starting a new one".
So last weekend I finished the Slytherin green scarf I had started last year.

One down, three to go.

And then it was over.

My finals are over. For now.
Left the Uni, took the train, then commuted back to my place.
Back to reality.
There is dinner to make, luggage to empty, papers to file, lessons to prepare, copies to correct. The sheer amount of work is daunting.
One thing at a time. Breath.
First make a battle plan, then follow it.
Do not stop.
Do.
Not.
Stop.
Breath in, breath out. Forget emotions.
No tiredness. No pain. Nothing.
Just work to be done.
One thing at a time.
Dinner
Luggage
Paper
Lessons
Copies.
Breath.

"how are you?"
" I don't know. I have wok to do. I'll wonder when I'm done."

Things I need to get into my students' heads.

Mixed feelings

I am, mostly an English teacher.
I teach to 5 classes in 3 different levels, 1 of them preparing a national exam.
I stand in front of the kids 22 hours a week.
A full time position as a teacher is 18 hours.
As a young teacher, I don't have any previous class to rely on. I have to create everything, try to make it interesting, make sure the eldest are ready for their graduation exams.
Finding documents, checking how I can use them, create the progression, including some cultural and grammatical items to learn, imagine tasks and activities. Create evaluation tests and correct the papers.
On the side, there is the novel I wrote that needs editing, the novel I am currently writing, the novel I should be co-writing,
And all the engagements I took with the scouts.
There are the ballet classes (good thing I'm not doing Rhythmic gymnastics anymore. I don't know how I could have fitted the competitions in all that.)

My studies come on top of all that. After everything is done, when I have a moment, it's dedicated to studying.
9 subjects to read.
a few papers to write
7 exams to pass,
the 250 hours of internship to follow,
and the master thesis.

So basically, I came to my exams unprepared. I have entirely read 2 of the classes (but none of their additional reading material) and read only the first pages of the rest.
I was not ready. I am not ready.
I rely on quick thinking, stuff I know from my personal readings or from previous studies, general knowledge and culture. I am good at that. but it doesn't erase the fact that I am not ready.
It worked last year. and the year before. I passed all my exams in one semester, on the first try.
But every time, I have this nagging feeling of guilt.
Do I really deserve the degrees, even if I didn't actually work to get them? Do I have any legitimacy in coming to those exams if I got the previous ones only by accident? Can I be legit in my work as a teacher despite passing my exams like this?

But this year there is another feeling creeping up on me:
Is it too much this time?

Finals - Day 2

How things really go during the finals:

*Reads question 1* I don't know
*reads question 2* I. don't. know.
*reads question 3* I. DO. NOT. KNOW.
*looks at the paper* Well, That's embarrassing...
*reads question 1 again*
Let's see if I can bullshit my way into passing this exam...

Finals - Day 1

So today was the first day of my finals. 3 down, 4 to go.
And I can't say whether It went well or not. It went... weirdly?
I am passing my exams to get a Mater degree in French as a foreign language (keep that in mind it's important for what comes next) and I have 7 exams to pass to get the theory part of my degree. Today I had 3:
First Exam was "questions d'apprentissages langagiers." (thoughts on learning languages). Text commentary on "the instruction of scribes in Mesopotamia."
Yup. Quick reminder, I study French as a foreign language. you don't see the link? neither did we!
Good thing I like history and knew stuff about Sumer. I was able to make some quick thinking, and in the end, I think it went okay. But Good Gracious Lord Above that was as random as it could have possibly been.
Second exam was "Plurilinguisme et francophonie". A short text to discuss. It was really interesting: How France used French to unify the country after the revolution.
That was cool! I like history and so I had stuff to say, and it could have been just that: a nice and interesting topic to discuss. It it hadn't been for the FIRE ALARM in the middle of the bloody exam!
Guys, I have to take days off to come and pass my exams! You can't just screw one for fire alarm! So most of us just sat there and went on with the exam. They had to send someone to force us to get out. All that for a bloody exercise! Gods damn it! Happily enough, they didn't invalid the exam and we just went on with it.
And the Last exam was "Education comparee et perspectives educatives." (comparative education) with a text commentary about the goals of comparative Education. They wanted us to add some personal ideas so I went full-French and I ranted about how it's nice to make studies and to wonder about the qualities of education abroad, but it would be better if the decisions that came from the studies could make sense.
All in all, I think it was okay.

Casual January thought

It is raining cats and dogs outside and I feel it fitting my mood quite well. I can hear the wind howl in the chimney and the rain drum on the window. In less than an hour I shall close the door and get to the station. It will be cold and wet and it both scares me and conforts me.

There is this feeling, clawing at my guts. I ran out of pills to sleep last night and so I'll have to make sure I get a new box before taking the train.
I had nightmares despite the pills. It's been the case for some days. I guess I should blame stress for that. Stress and the creepling anxiety that is steadily clawing its way through my guts. 

There's a hole inside me and it is pulling me. tearing me appart. I lie and hug myself tight, trying to close the void. To fill it.

I am in a skin tight suit that is too small for me, itchy and uncomfortable and I cannot but try to wriggle my way out of it but the more I try, the tigher it gets.

I can't breath.

Cold and numb.

I remember the anger I felt when I understood that those feelings would never entirely go away. It didn't matter how long the good days lasted, I would ultimately, always relapse into a dark cycle. There was no escaping it.

The cocktail in your brain is like that. There is no helping.

I could only live with it. Not bannish it, not vanquish it. Just live with it. Making rules to avoid the worse of the consequences. Learn to function despite it all.

I guess that's where pride comes in handy. I refuse to be wasted away because my brain says so.

I refuse to bow to my demons. I Will not break.

And it works. I am functionning. I hurt all over but I am still here. I have a job, a flat and a sweet monster. I'm known to be kind, patient and always smilling. The way I singsong good morning everyday makes the woman at the desk laugh and she says she likes seeing people always in a good mood.

I am not in a good mood. I am hunting demons. My demons. I corner them and slice their throats and I come out of the fight bloody but victorious. 

I go through good days and through bad days. And during the darkest hours, when the pain is overwhelming and when ideas from a past I hoped long forgotten come back to haunt me, I wonder if I'll manage to always win in the end. 

I ache. It hurts. It's the same song as ever. I feel like drowning.

I guess There is no helping with that.

I AM FINE

"Harry?" Bob asked "Are your feet wet? and can you see the pyramids?"
I blinked. "What?"
"Earth to Dresden," Bob said "You are in de Nile."

Jim Butcher - The Dresden Files, Volume 7: "Dead Beats"

Bob summarising my entire life.

So This happened

So I guess I won't lack reading material in the coming weeks.

But if asked, I shall blame my students for it.

Thanks Gods for the Vikings!

"If English is strange, Old English needed therapy."
TEDed - A brief history of plural words"

Somewhere along the way, I became a good student.

The goal next week will be to pass exams I haven't studied even remotely enough. And to cram a year worth of studies in one semester.

If I pass my exams next week, I'll "only" have one paper, my research memoir and my internship left to deal with.

22 years later

I read His Dark Material when I was 12, travelling to Edinburgh for the holidays. It shaped who I am. It became such a foundation to my writing and my imagination.
I loved it so much I wanted to study it during my Master Degree in English literature, along with The Chronicles of Narnia and Paradise Lost.

So when I heard that Philip Pullman had started to write a new series linked to this universe. I sort of  cried of joy and fear. And then, I read "La Belle Sauvage", the first volume of The Book Of Dust.

I loved it. I cherished each page and found myself lost again in the story.
Now that I've finished it, I feel like an  old wound has been reopened. this bittersweet feeling that something is missing. that the sky is darker, time is duller and the shadows are deeper. I can't wait for the next volume.

New Year

Okay, 2018 is one day old.
Last year was a good year. I passed my university exams, I visited two new countries and I finished the nanowrimo. And a bunch of smaller stuff.
I want this year to be bigger, fuller.
I want to read more. So I'll try to read before going to bed each night.
I want to open my own Etsy shop to sell whatever stuff I make.
I want to learn new skills and to develop the one I already have.
I want to travel, visit new countries, learn new languages.
I want to live to the fullest.