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lundi 29 juin 2015

Studying late at night

I have this bad habbit of doing my homework at the last possible moment. Usually sunday night. And when I say "night", I don't mean "evening", I really mean NIGHT.
I got home yesterday after 1:30 am. I took off my shoes, drank a good litre of water and started my homework on my computer.
I love to work at night. The house is silent, as if I was the last person on earth. At night, time is suspended. it's a peaceful pause between two days. There is no one to distract me. The world is mine and I am in peace.
I can keep on working for hours without all the troubles I get during the day. The voices are calmer, the shadows purrs somewhere in a corner of my mind and my brain is working at its best. Connections that get drowned in the noise during the day are now clear and obvious.
When at last, all is done, I go to bed, more or less exhausted but happy I got everything done.

Pic Nic Steampunk

 I love seeing so many people and dear friends!

Today was the annual steampunk pic nic in the Parc de Vincennes, near Paris.
To me it was sort of a special date since last year's edition was my first steampunk even ever. Last year I met many people and some are now very dear to me.
I was happy to see so many people. It tired me a lot, but it was definitly worth it! (lots of people, noise, the heat and the sun, I felt exhausted, but I definitly had a good time)
We had a sunny and terribly hot sunday, which was perfect for a pic nic under the trees. We played cards, drank a bit, even had a little boating. a perfect afternoon, spent entirely having fun with friends.
I had the opportunity to talk with new people, having great conversations about anything and everything.

For the occasion, I used a costume I already wore several times, because I knew it was comfy and I wouldn't die of the heat. Last year I came as some king of a medical examiner (1900's style) and this year I went for the 1900's explorer.
I love creating costumes and getting to invent a story behind them. What kind of person would wear this outfit, what would they do of their life?

I hope I'll be able to attend similar events before flying to China!

mercredi 24 juin 2015

Sun in an empty room - Edward Hopper


Sun in an empty room,
a warm and soft touch on the skin.
The emptiness and the loneliness are driven away.
Sleeping, curled up in the golden light
Feeling safe and comfortable and understood.
The soft sound of a conversation, that lasts for hours.
The world, made and unmade with words, thousands of time.
The smile of a shared thought
The laughter of unfinished sentences
The natural understanding that doesn't need words.

lundi 22 juin 2015

Signs as quotes


ARIES : "She's the girl with a fairytale face but her mouth screams like a wolf's"
TAURUS : "Her eyes weren't as beautiful as the stars, her eyes were as beautiful as her heart"
GEMINI : "I feel like I'm living in this constant state of too much and not enough, like the days are passing by too fast and too slow and I'm always either overwhelmed or empty"
CANCER : "You have galaxies inside your head, stop letting people tell you you cannot shine"
LEO : "She needed a hero so that's what she became"
VIRGO : "Maybe she was unreadable because she didn't want to be read"
LIBRA : "I'm almost never serious, and I'm always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted. I'm like a collection of paradoxes"
SCORPIO : "You wake every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery"
SAGITTARIUS : "Before I am your daughter, your sister, your aunt, niece or cousin, I am my own person and I will not set fire to myself to keep you warm"
CAPRICORN : "But you see there is a graveyard in my mouth, filled with words that have died on my lips"
AQUARIUS : "Maybe she isn't your sun but she's your moon, appearing in your darkest nights, never too soon"
PISCES : "Her eyes are pure stars, and her fingers, if they touch you, freeze you to the bone"

dimanche 21 juin 2015

The end of an Era

I've been trying to write something but I'm not satisfied with anything.
I wanted to share this weird feeling I have about quitting Rhythmic Gymnastics.
I had my last show yesterday, and there was this bittersweet taste to it.
I love this sport. It taught me so much.
I started when I was 5, started competing when I was 11, took a 4 year break when I was 16, went back at 20, changed club at 21 and kept on dancing 'till yesterday.
I started dancing 19 years ago.
I was never very good. I was to inattentive to really work out. but I had fun. I worked enough to get in shape. And growing up I became more competitive and really enjoyed what I did.
I love dancing. moving, having a deep conscience of your body, being concentrated your feet, your hands, the precise moves to make your hoop turn high above your head. It washes everything away. No more voices, no more anxieties, problems. The rest of the world could crumble, without you even seeing it. There's only the music, the apparate, that pirouette you have to do, the way you point your feet without having to think about it and yet, you still say it in your head.
During one song, the world disappear and there's only dance.
I love thiswave of adrenalin just before the begining of the music. When all eyes are on you. You take one very deep breath and roll your shoulders, and it feels like your shedding a skin that had become to tight.
everything outside the floor and the judges table is in the shadow. The sounds are distorded, you hear the public, and yet it feels distant.
You breath out and raise your head, and the only thing in your head is "I'm gonna rock it"
And then the music starts and there is nothing and everything at the same time. You feel every fiber of your body. You look at the judges, making eye contact. You're fierce and you fear nothing.
The air in your lungs has a different taste when you dance. You forget about all the things that were bithering you only seconds before. there is only the counts in your head, when to throw, when to jump, and the incredible feeling of being invincible.
And the music stops, the wave retrieve and there's only you in the middle of the floor. The magic is broken. You stand up, salute and leave the floor, feeling excited and happy, and stress out, you don't really know what you did in there. Was that really you?
And now it has come to an end.
I'm leaving the country and with it I'm leavings bits and scraps of my old life, and one among them is that. I'm leaving my hoop, my leotard, and lots of memories with it.
I won't stop dancing, I'll keep on practicing ballet, but still, it's not the same and I sure as hell will miss it. All the mixed-up feelings, the soreness after the practice, the pride, the peace.
I will miss it.

vendredi 19 juin 2015

Friendship

I had a very precise idea of what I wanted to write, but now I'm not so sure anymore.
We've been talking about this event for month (literaly) and I've been looking forward to it, because I haven't seen my best friend in ages.
I have been working on my dress for days. I even canceled appointements to be able to finish it on time. Friends appointments. Medical one too.
We were finally going to do something together, that wouldn't include any of my friends except her. I'd have been only here for her, and we'd have had so much fun.
But she just canceled because one of her friends who lives abroad (like on another continent) is in Paris for only a week and they only have this sunday to see each other. They haven't seen each other in years (4 to be precise).
And I understand. I'm happy she's able to see friends, because I know she has been very lonely this last year, and it has been very tiring for her. And I understand that it's only ill luck that it should happen on this precise day. We'll have other opportunities, ans they won't have so many.
But I'm tired and sick to be the second choice. the one that get discarded when one need to find some room in one's agenda. I'm sick of appointements being cancelled. There are always good reason, and I understand, I really do. I can rationnalise almost anything. but it doesn't erase the feeling, the excruciating pain of being the one put aside.
I am tired of being the one who starts the conversation, who makes the efforts to know how people are, to try to make everything work for every one. I'm tired of apologising for feeling mad when someone canceles. Again. And I'm sick of reminding myself that I can't blame anyone if I'm lonely, I should make more efforts. People won't magically come at me and say "hi! how are you today?" If I want something, I have to fight for it and to make it happen.
Doesn't mean I like it.
Is it selfish to be upset? to be sad? to be empty enough to sleep when I should be working and to be writting when I should sleep?
I'm tired of being the one starting the conversation, and changing my plans to make everyone happy.
I'm ranting on a blog so I won't pain my best friend with that. how crazy is that?
She doesn't read it, so I'm not really taking any risk.
I'm leaving the country on 2 month, and I wonder. who will actually miss me?
That's a question which comes back every now and then. who will miss me? really? Who will miss my voice when I'm talking too loud, who will miss my crazy kitty moves, or my passionnate rantings?
Are there people out there who actually think about sharing something with me? like "Hey, it made me think about you" or "I wanted to share this with someone!"
Not her, She's got a boy friend, and well, he gets the messages first.
Who then?
I have other friends, some of with I consider to be the closest to me. But even them, there rare and I feel guilty of asking to much of their time. Of intruding. Of meing the one who always need attention.
It's hard to have second thoughts when thinking about talking to a friend.
"will they get bored?" "when was the last time I spoke to them?"
Who could I call in the middle of the night after a nightmare? There are people out there who clame to me friends with me, but is it true really? would you call me in the middle of the night? would you share something with me? would you miss me?
How long would it take you to realise that I'm not there anymore? that no one heard about me for sometimes? who would come and talk?
I feel like I'm an intruder.
I am not saying no one likes me. I know that much at least. it helps.
I'm just writing down some of what is spinning in my head. better writting that other things. But hey, I grew up, no need to worry. I'll handle it. that's what I do.
I handle things and make them right and shinny for everyone to be happy. I'd just like someone to do the same for me. Is it that selfish?

mardi 16 juin 2015

McGonagall - Teaching done right









Hit the book


There are so many things to study and to learn.
And looking crazy is not really a problem. I like crazy.
I grew in a strange familly. One of it's best side was that we were encouraged to try and learn as many things as we wanted.
If we (Me and my sibblings) liked something, our parents would find a way to help us.
You like to draw? Why don't you take classes?
You like to read? Here is a library card, go grab some books.
You like music? What about learning more about it? play an instrument?
 My mother would bring us to museums every so and then, We didn't really enjoyed this at the time, but I got to discover lots of famous painters, sculptors, artists. I didn't always liked them, but at least I know who they are.
I was lucky, My parents could afford family holidays during which we travelled, through and out of the country. We went to many very different places. we learnt more about  their history, geography, arts, everything available. Museums, historical monuments and hicking, that was the usual program.

I learnt that I don't know everything. In fact I learnt that I don't know anything untill I actually studied it.
I grew up to be curious, to enjoy learning new things.

Then I moved, left the family and joined another one.
There it was a bit different: I got to study more. It was less about cultural exhibitions, and more about actually studying.
I got to study as many things as I wanted, related to what I was doing in hightchool or not.
Some classes from medical school, some philosophy, physics, history, biology. psychology, anthropology. You name it.
I also learnt many languages too. I couldn't talk, but understanding was the basis. We were all able to speak many languages and the game was to understand everything.
There were also all sorts of practical knowledge I got to learn. Played another instrument, different sports and activities.
It was all about learning. A day during which I hadn't learn something was a wasted day.
But Studying was a serious business. If I wanted to be accounted for what my knowledge, I had to earn it.
Through books, through classes.
I had to proove that it was not only showing off, but actual knowledge.
They'd try me through discutions, and debates, pushing me as much as they could, to make connections between the things I knew, to learn always more, to go deeper.. It was challenging and exciting. I was the dumbest in the room, and I got to learn a lot. They never diminished what I had learnt and were very supportive about making progress.

I left them too.
I never stopped studying, trying to learn everything, to live by their standards.
But I miss it. The long debates, learning and sharing.
I miss those challenging talks. I miss learning from others.
So whenever I can, I talk, I debate. An opinion is only as good as you've built it through debating, compared it to others'.
I'm happy I met new people I can share that with. Some crazy folk who share my thirst for knowledge. It's only too rare.


lundi 15 juin 2015

The Signs and Sleep


tylerposet:

perfect sleepers: cancer, taurus, pisces and gemini
accidently stay up until 4 am: aquarius, libra, leo and capricorn
literally suffering from insomnia since forever: virgo, scorpio, sagittarius and aries

mercredi 10 juin 2015

Dance

Dance is about passion and hard work.
Dance is about listening to your body and ignoring the pain
Dance is about discipline and letting go

I don't work until I get it right
I work untill I can't get it wrong


dimanche 7 juin 2015

Be content of what you have.

I am a crazily competitive workoholic when it's about sports.
I work hard, I put myself in harms way if need is, and I don't stop untill I master things.
If I take part in a competition, whatever I say before, my only goal once I'm there is to bet a medal. Gold if possible.

So when they called us 7th, I felt my heart squeez a little. not in the good way.
Sure, 7th over the whole country is good! it's even damn good, I never thought we could make it.
But...
What I doubted the most was not the ability of the team. We're good. Some more than others, but we had muscles enough to pull get into the top 10 without too much trouble.
So why not get to the top 3? that would have been a real challenge.
But none of them believed it. They did not want it. They just looked at it and went "meh, 10th would be good", when I was "First will be cool"
If one doesn't push oneself to go farther, to get past one's own limits, what's the point of being in a competition?

I can't be satisfied to be 7th, because we could have done so much better.
There were mistakes, things that didn't work. It was a good performance, but not THE performance.
And they did not wanted. They didn't even try. They knew the could do top 10, so they when for it, without even thinking the could go for the top 3.
I didn't feel it. I couldn't see the same flame, the same raging fierceness that burnt into my guts, in them.

And that, I don't understand. It pains me to realise that I don't know how to enjoy things, I don't feel content with small victories and seing everyone happy makes me ache even more because I can't feel the same way. I wish I could sometimes. Fierceness is good, fuels me when I need to be. But if I don't enjoy the outcome, what's the point?

"You'll do better next year" - I won't. I'll be in China next year. That was my last season as a Rhythmic Gymnast. And I don't like the way it ends.

samedi 6 juin 2015

A crow in a flock of magpies.

I thought I'd write something here about the weird week-end I'm having.
So amoung many activities, I'm a Rhythmic Gymnast. Not a great one to be honnest, but enough to have some fun in the contests.
My team and I unexpected god selected for the nationnal championship of our division!
So here I am in a shabby hotel in the French countryside with every other selected gymnast of my club (30 of us, 37 staff included).

We left Friday morning, and even before I got on the bus, I knew things were going to get bad:
Half of my team more or less ignored the rest of us. That wasn't very promising. The went to seat at the back of the bus, not saving seats for us. So we just found sit, and started to work (yeah, call us nerds).

That didn't get anybetter by the lunch break, when they quite clearly shown no interest in talking to us.

Genuinly, I'm not athe most empathic person. I can understand, and do the maths about people motivations and drives to understand what they do what the do, and I usually shut up about what I understand. Knowledge is power, but life is also about the survival of the fitest, so I usually try to blend in.
But well, I don't share a lot with my teammates. CC is cool and we share quite some stuff (being scouts leaders, Cello players, workoholics/studyholics), Aury is cool and fun and even if we don't share a lot, we got along well. The other 3 are different. Well, we don't really share anything and there is some Ego problem I suppose (mine included, I'm not all innocent)

The rest of the girls are cool. Youngers (from 12 to, well me...) and all chatty and happy to be here. There's a lot of shouting, of encouraging every team, of laughter and jokes. So the atmosphere was good, even electifying, works well on me.

Untill I got tired, untill the low but steady tension in my team got on my nerves, untill I couldn't bear those side looks and acid comments.

and then my blend-in Mojo went through the window.

Too much noise, to many superficial remarks and comments. Useless talks, and fake faces. I'm good at pretending, but it's draining me.
So I left the other, and went back to the hotel, to work, to wrap myself in the comfort of loneliness and work.
I want to go home.
And by home, I don't mean the place where I live.
I want to go Home.
A place safe and calm, alone with my books or with my friends, talking about things that'd put my brain to work, things that would actually challenge me and make the time fly. I want to be with those I understand and to whome I feel connected.
I miss it. I miss them.
I tired of being a crow in the middle of a flock of magpies.