On commitment

I asked.
We are going to become official.
Not a wed couple but the closest thing.
I asked.
To me this is a big thing.
We both are children of divorces. We have seen what marriage looks like when it crumbles down.
And to make it even better I have a record of breaking engagements.
Commitment isn't my strong suit.
And yet.
And yet.
And yet I asked.
I asked because I want to go abroad.
I want to go on an adventure.

I was discussing this with a friends a couple of weeks ago and she casually reminded me that if I wanted H to come with me, I had to pay attention to the dates and we'd need to get our status updated.
That was the pebble in the pond.
I started thinking.
Do I want H to come with me?
I like being my own captain, go wherever I want, not have to take anyone into account.
But he makes me feel safe. I might not go as far with him, but would I really go at all if I was alone or would I just keep postponing? I feel safer with him. I wouldn't be alone so the leap of faith doesn't seem as scary.
I am strong but he makes me stronger.
I can stand on my own, but it's easier to do it when he is by my side.
I want us to share this.

So I asked.
I sat there, staring at him and asking myself whether this was the right thing.
Is it true this time?
Do I really want this?
And he said yes.
And I felt so relieved.
This was like a weight off my chest. Had I been worried all this time?
I am so wary of toxic relations, so scared of being manipulated, gaslighted.
So afraid to commit myself to anything.
but he said yes and I felt so relieved.
Had I been afraid that he might say no?
Had I been afraid of it being the wrong timing?
Had I been afraid of not being the right person?
He said yes and laughed to see me so flustered. He laughed and smiled and said of course.
He said he was going to ask me soon. I am glad I did it though.

We ate and discussed plans. Realistic ones and fantasy ones.
We ate and we walked home.
We took the long way despite my high heels, because he knows I like walking the quiet streets at night.
We took the long way despite the cold because it was nice to be out.
We laughed as we got home.
And all was well.

Space to breath

When things get rough I tell myself:
"God will never give me more than I can handle"

Paul tells us: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it”
(1 Corinthians 10:13)

When my breath is short I tell myself.
"nothing more than what I can handle"
When my heart pounds against my ribs.
"nothing more than what I can handle"
When my sight gets blurry and my hands shake.
"nothing more than what I can handle"

It is hard, it is painful but I shall endure.
Never more than what I can handle.
One step at a time I climb my mountain.
I shall not fall and I shall not break.

Never more than what I can endure 

The passing of time

I grow in my extremes, in paradox, in contradictions.
And I think I am fine with it.
I don't think I ever thought I actually grow up.
I never projected me much. All I knew was I wanted to be it. Whatever that is.

It is still true.
As I get older I become calmer, more organized.
I am tougher. I know all my demons. We cohabitate, mostly fine. Mostly.

I'm used to them and it's enough for me. Trying to shade them now would require more time and effort than I am willing to put in them. I'd rather invest in building myself.

The more I think about it, I realize that it is not so much failure that I am afraid of, but of mundanity.

I don't want to be just one more shadow. one more nameless grown up who used to have dreams and projects. I don't want daily life and petty concerns erase who I am.

I want to be bigger than my shrinking existence. I want to be brighter. I want to be remarkable.

I want to make something. I want to write. I want to create.

I'm bending time and trying to make sure that I don't let life grind me down.
I will steal time. Minutes here and there to create, to read, to learn.
I will make time, tighten my schedule where I must.
I will not give up.