Words that stick

It's no news that I don't really understand how people perceive me. I've known that for a very long time. Friends have told me that at first I seem very distant, haughty or even unpleasant. My former boss told me the same once.
I have the reputation of being scary and harsh.
I am fine with all of this. Being an introvert and rather shy, I am a bit distant with people I don't know.

I lack patience and indulgence, especially when I am tired.
I try not to take it on anyone but apparently not well enough. Or so I understood.

Apparently I scared my friends into submissions during a dnd game.

Was it my general demeanor? Was it just my acting (my character can be an arse with 0 patience)? Was it something else?

The hell if I know.

I played my character. who did get fed up by other characters bullshit. I, the player, was tired and had been annoyed from not be able to say anything.

All I know is that when I came back with a friend at the flat on the next day I got caught into an unexpected lecture of how I should pay more attention to others and how I scared everyone and may or may not have ruined the game.

It was mentioned that being the DM's girlfriend probably had influence, but is it in my benefit or not, I don't know.

I am wondering about what I should do. It's been on my mind since. Some part of me thinks I should apologize to my fellow party members but some other part of me hates this idea. Since I don't understand exactly what I did wrong, I keep replaying the evening in my head, questioning what I did, what I said. Was it in character? Was it fair? Was I being an arse?
We were playing at my place for the third time and As always I had cleaned the place, I had been in charge of making sure the pizzas were put in the oven one after the oven. I was tired and not in the easiest spot to move. So yes, I was probably a tad flippant at times. But to the point of scaring people. actual people? not their characters? I don't understand.

I hate this.

I consider leaving the table but I hate this idea because that would be giving up, while I can't even understand what I did wrong.

My best friends and sister are playing on this table. I just can't fathom not being part of it. being excluded of it. too. again. Shit it still stings.

So there. What should have been a source of fun became a heartache. cool.
I can hear my darkest parts say that if I am not part of it then no one should.
But then I never pretended I was all kindness and support. I just try not act on my darkest thoughts.

I am feeling the wind blow and wonder when I am going to disappear again.

A moment between

I don't know where I am.
I've got ideas and projects, but the moment I sit down to get anything done, my brain just goes black. There's nothing left. The words feel wrong. I don't know where to start.
I want to draw but can't find a model I like for the life of me. I want to knit but I don't want to start any new project before I get those I currently have finished.
So I am in a weird spot. In limbo.
I hope it gets better soon because I hate not being able to focus on anything. I want to throw myself in something. It hurts.

Be your own hero

I signed up at a gym a couple of weeks ago. I've been going two to three times a week since. It feels good.
I don't especially like the place. I feel exposed and a bit uneasy, out of place, even if everybody's super nice. But I keep going back. With my headphones and a cool podcast that makes time fly. I keep running and exercising.

Sport's always been part of my personal therapy, a good way for me to get healthily tired. A healthy way to hurt. To bend that body of mine to my will.

I need that to feel at peace. I need the exhaustion, the sore muscles, the little pains that tell me I am alive. I need to prove to myself what I can do.
I don't think I'll try to really get stronger, but at least to stay fit. To be able to run and to lift whatever I need to. An adventurer needs to be fit.