All the things I did not tell you

Sometimes I hurt.
It is irrational.
Sometimes I hurt and it make me angry, because I have nothing to show for the pain. It is just there. My chest in caving in and my insides are hollow, but nothing shows.
Sometimes, I feel weak and I grit my teeth and try my best not to show it. Not to whine. Not to complain. It seems like the only thing to do.
So I don't understand when you don't.
I don't understand, when you just accept things. being sick, hurting, being tired.
I don't understand that you'd let it show.
I guess I internalised all too well that boys don't cry and that girls are weak.
I knew where I stood. which is exactly nowhere.
admitting limitations was just admitting being weak and that was never something I could afford to consider. I don't really know why.
You say I have weird rules. It might be true, but those rules allowed me to get where I am.
We can't be sick at the same time, because if you are sick it means that I must take care of you.
If I am sick, it means that I am so far gone that I become useless.
If I am sick, it means that I failed and I can't pretend anymore.
If I am sick, I can't take care of you.
But if you are sick, I must. that's how things should be.
So I resented you.
I resented you because no matter how empty and broken I was, I could rest.
I resented that you had the luxury to be sick but I didn't. I resented that you are okay with that. That You think my rules are weird and useless. That you didn't understand what was going on.
We will never talk about it. Because there is no way we'll find the words. Because it would mean screaming and yelling and emptying that rage that always boils inside me. Because that would meant fighting.
I hate myself for being weak and I don't know what to do with this pain. This hatred.
I hate you for not understanding that and feeling the same. I suppose that last one is more jealousy than hatred.
And inside, slowly, one brick at a time, the wall rises.

Glimpses of Happiness

Pictures taken in August during my friends' wedding.
Credit Photo: https://blossomandco.com/fr/photos/photographe-de-mariage-aix-en-provence

Going on an adventure again!

I booked my flights for Thailand!
I am going back to Thailand! I am so excited! and I am going to see Lea, and we are going to have so much fun, and also I'll visit Juliette, in Vietnam! I have never been to Vietnam before! I am so excited!

Mabon

Today is Mabon. It is a celebration of the harvest, of the gifts we received from the Earth. To me it has quite a wide meaning. It is a time to reflect and celebrate what I was given by life.
I am lucky, there is no denying it. No matter how hard my life has been and sometimes still is, I have been given more that enough to prosper.

I am lucky to have a loving family. Dysfunctional, true. Not tight knit, sure, but loving none the less. We are not close, but we will be there for each other.
I am lucky to have elders from who to learn. It is a gift to be an adult and to still be able to learn from my grand parents.
I am luck to have a found family. Morgane and Sethy, I am so grateful to have you two.
I am lucky to have friends. It took me a while to realise that I actually have many, and like my family, we might not be thick as thieves, we are still there for each other.
I am lucky I found someone willing to share his life with me. We are far from perfect for each other, but we make a good team and he makes my life way easier. You help me be my best self and for that I am grateful.

I am grateful for the opportunities I received.
To meet new people, to try new things, to grow as a person.
I am grateful for my job. I am lucky to have a position I love in a time where enjoying one's job is a privilege.

Social Animal

I do not consider myself to have many friends. I have a hard time trusting people and social interactions tend to easily exhaust me. Add the fact that I barely check Facebook anymore (Thank God, Partner does, otherwise I would probably miss a bunch of events) and that should be a perfect recipe for an empty social life, but apparently, people don't mind it that much.

Last spring, my friend Vin asked me to be one of her bride's maids. Among all the friends she has, some that we share, she picked me. I was incredibly touch because though I do consider as a dear friend, I did not think she considered me as a close friend.

I have had a habit of disappearing from friends'groups after a while. Because I wasn't invested in whatever we had in common, or because of break ups, I usually lost friends every two to four years. I lost most of my university friends after I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, I lost people I used to Larp with when I left a toxic relationship. etc. Sometimes it still hurts, but I thought I was just not that good at keeping friends, at keeping in touch.

But some people stuck along the way and I met new people. People that I do not share with my partner, with whom I try to be nice and to show attention. Send post card, show emotional involvement.

And recently, it struck me. I have friends.Not just people I meet at events, but friends that actively seek my presence and that I actively try to see.
Have diner with the Steam-girls in a cool restaurant.
Go see that girl who is not my girlfriend to have a quiet knitting evening, drinking tea and talking traumas.
Texting my best friends to plan trips to different exhibitions.
Messaging my best travel companions to go on a trip.

It seems incredible to me. I don't know how to explain it, but I am genuinely amazed to have friends. Not that I don't believe I deserve to have friends or any kind of self depreciation, but I was never good at making strong bonds with people. Or when I did, it was rarely healthy.
And I only just realised that I do not need strong bonds to have friends. I just needed to find people who still noticed me even if after a while, I just sit somewhere to read or to knit quietly. I just needed to find people who don't care that I don't go out often or late and who will still invite me.

It might sound naive or even downright stupid, but understanding social relationships and how it build them is not given to anyone from the start. Some of us never had the opportunity to develop the skills to interact with people and create bonds with them.
My expectations of friendship was all kind of wrong and it took me time and efforts to understand that. It took time to meet people who didn't care that I was distant and who were willing to walk the extra mile to get to know me.
We may not be very close, but we are probably closer that I realise. They might not stay forever, but I am beginning to think that they will stay longer than I expected.
Thanks guys.