Anger

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I must be strong and let myself being dominated by my emotions.
I am quick to anger and it burns so easily and so hot. This is not a fire I know how to put out. It's there, roaring and eating away at my insides while I do my best to breath in, breath out, count to ten, count to twenty, drown myself in numbers and try to ignore the obvious.
I am angry.
I am angry and I am frustrated.
I can't tell if I am being unfair or not. I don't think I am, but I have learnt to distrust myself enough that I don't know whether I am right or wrong.
But the anger it there.
And it hurts.
Don't be afraid, I will not let it affect me. You will not have to put up with it.
But know that deep down, that fire is still roaring hours later and I am not okay.

That taste of inadequation

I am not good at making friends.
I am very judgemental, and therefore very selective. I have little time and even less emotional energy.
So I shouldn't actually mind not having many friends because it means that the small number I have I can actually take care of.
And I do try not to mind.
I don't see them much but I think of them and send them trinkets and postcards and messages to show them I care. I don't know how to sustain a conversation so they often die out.
I have been trying to be more sociable but it doesn't seem to work really well.
I'm afraid I sound shallow.
Or too eager.
I don't know.
Why do I care so much, when I am not even being a good friend to the friends I have?
It doesn't make any sense.