The forest is endless and empty. An army of naked tree trunks growing from the never ending flat ground. The moss on the floor is of a green so vibrant I can almost percieve it, even in the dark.
The ground is flat and devoid of any landmark. I can see far ahead. No low branch, no fallen tree, nothing to hide.
I can't hear the beast behind me but I know it's there.
It was there when I had woken up with a start, startled from my dreams by a muffled sound.
We had set camp in the forest. Four girls from three countries, unexpected friends, bonded by the same experience of studying in a foreign country. It was the first time I had ever been camping. They had said it was going to be memorable.
They had no idea.
Cathy's face had been turned towards me, her blue eyes seemingly looking at me but unfocused. It had taken me a moment to notice the blood across her cheek. My eyes slowly travelled down, to her open throat, white skin catching the moonlight.
The beast's head was buried in her, gorging on her guts, hidden to me by her bag.
I stayed there, suspended in an pocket of eternity, frozen, entirely unable to move, dazed by what I was seeing.
Someone had started to screamed.
I think it was me.
All hell had broken loose.
My feet keep hitting the ground. I don't know how.
Lucinda and Bell had woken up too. The beast had looked up.
Bell had been sleeping next to Cathy. She hadn't stood a chance.
With one fluid move the beast it had just buried it's muzzle in her throat.
What Lucinda did, I don't know. I had scrambled to my feet by then and started running.
Beli Ya Al's World
lundi 28 janvier 2019
vendredi 4 janvier 2019
The chemistry of a stable couple - Or lack thereof
I don't know what bonds us anymore.
Whatever we used to share we now enjoy separatly.
You used to admire that I lived a packed life, now it tires you and you resent me for not making more time for the things we said we'd watch together.
I used to love going out with you, meeting friends, training, I used to love writing with you, talking for hours, now I resent you for being such a home bird.
I wanted to listen to this saga with you. I discovered it on Tumblr and wanted to share it with you. You ran away with it because I didn't have enough time, and now I resent you for that. It feels like you stole it from me. I know, it's irrational. Nothing prevents me from listening to it on my own, but I can't help but see in it a symptom of our relationship: what we could have shared we don't. Because I am too busy. Because you are too lazy. Because I am never in the right mood. Because you can't wait.
I want to go running but you hate running. I want to go swimming but you hate swimming.
Our lifestyles are similar and yet so different. I hate noise in the morning, you watch videos. I wake up early and I am active quickly, you're not a morning person.
At which point are we too different to make a good team? I am afraid of those thoughts because I know them too well. I've been there already and I don't like those clouds on the horizon.
At which point are we too dysfunctional to function together?
At which point are you going to realize that you have no reason to love me anymore.
Whatever we used to share we now enjoy separatly.
You used to admire that I lived a packed life, now it tires you and you resent me for not making more time for the things we said we'd watch together.
I used to love going out with you, meeting friends, training, I used to love writing with you, talking for hours, now I resent you for being such a home bird.
I wanted to listen to this saga with you. I discovered it on Tumblr and wanted to share it with you. You ran away with it because I didn't have enough time, and now I resent you for that. It feels like you stole it from me. I know, it's irrational. Nothing prevents me from listening to it on my own, but I can't help but see in it a symptom of our relationship: what we could have shared we don't. Because I am too busy. Because you are too lazy. Because I am never in the right mood. Because you can't wait.
I want to go running but you hate running. I want to go swimming but you hate swimming.
Our lifestyles are similar and yet so different. I hate noise in the morning, you watch videos. I wake up early and I am active quickly, you're not a morning person.
At which point are we too different to make a good team? I am afraid of those thoughts because I know them too well. I've been there already and I don't like those clouds on the horizon.
At which point are we too dysfunctional to function together?
At which point are you going to realize that you have no reason to love me anymore.
jeudi 3 janvier 2019
A discussion on pride, interest and mental health
We had one of those conversations again. Those that last hours and I get out feeling like I just wasted time because I learnt nothing. I still don't understand you.
We don't deal with our demons the same way and I am at loss when it comes to understanding how you function.
I say often that I live in denial, but it is just a useful lie to make it easier to explain how I deal with my demons. It might look like I ignore my problems and pretend everything is okay, but if this blog shows us one thing, it is that I actually spend quite some time dissecting my problems.
I know them. I know what stresses me, I know what hurts me, I know what haunts me.
How could I ignore them when I spend hours feeling like my ribcage is caving in, when claws burrow in my guts, when my bones are made of lead?
When I say I hurt, it is not a metaphore. I hurt. Physically. Those are not just images, those are the very real pains that plague me.
Not all the time,
Not everyday.
But often enough.
That's depression for me. The phantom pains of my emotions. Of numbness, of emptiness, of fear, of self depressiation. They weight me down and wreck my brain enough that I can feel them.
But I refuse to let them affect me. Because they are only emotions, because I know my demons and I just refuse them to hold me back.
I rationalize everything. I recognize that yes, I am procrastinating because that task stresses me, then I take a deep breath and I kick myself into doing it. I get my shit together and get stuff done. That's what I do. It hurts, but that's what I am good at: gritting my teeth and ignoring pain. I used to dance on broken feet. I used to run with broken ribs. It's fine. I can deal with the pain, with the nightmares, with the panic attacks, because I know how to rationalize them, put them in a box small enough that I can live my life carrying them.
You on the other hand, I don't understand. You once told me that you knew yourself and that you knew your demons. But time passes and I wonder. Do you? We talk for hours, slightly unearthing things that keep you down, that prevent you from living.
You turn a blind eye to them and function the best you can. As long as you don't look too closely at them you can function. you can wake up and go to work and when you are not at work you drown yourself in comics and videogames hoping to hold the shadows at bay. Is this really all you expect from life?
I fell in love with your passion and your curiosity and your imagination. You used to create, now you only consume. You used to shine and make me feel challenged.
I don't feel that way anymore.
You said you used to have nothing to loose and maybe that's what made you shine. Perhaps you felt freer then and enjoyed life more.
Now you are afraid of losing all those things that you finally managed to get. A job that challenges you, a place of yours and a long and healthy relationship.
But I'm not sure you'll keep that last one for long the way things are going.
You hate yourself for not being good at your job but whatever spare time you have you squander trying to avoid thinking about how bad you feel for not being good at your job.
Anyhow. We all deal with our demons the best we can.
I don't know any better.
I am just not sure I can settle for what that makes of you.
We don't deal with our demons the same way and I am at loss when it comes to understanding how you function.
I say often that I live in denial, but it is just a useful lie to make it easier to explain how I deal with my demons. It might look like I ignore my problems and pretend everything is okay, but if this blog shows us one thing, it is that I actually spend quite some time dissecting my problems.
I know them. I know what stresses me, I know what hurts me, I know what haunts me.
How could I ignore them when I spend hours feeling like my ribcage is caving in, when claws burrow in my guts, when my bones are made of lead?
When I say I hurt, it is not a metaphore. I hurt. Physically. Those are not just images, those are the very real pains that plague me.
Not all the time,
Not everyday.
But often enough.
That's depression for me. The phantom pains of my emotions. Of numbness, of emptiness, of fear, of self depressiation. They weight me down and wreck my brain enough that I can feel them.
But I refuse to let them affect me. Because they are only emotions, because I know my demons and I just refuse them to hold me back.
I rationalize everything. I recognize that yes, I am procrastinating because that task stresses me, then I take a deep breath and I kick myself into doing it. I get my shit together and get stuff done. That's what I do. It hurts, but that's what I am good at: gritting my teeth and ignoring pain. I used to dance on broken feet. I used to run with broken ribs. It's fine. I can deal with the pain, with the nightmares, with the panic attacks, because I know how to rationalize them, put them in a box small enough that I can live my life carrying them.
You on the other hand, I don't understand. You once told me that you knew yourself and that you knew your demons. But time passes and I wonder. Do you? We talk for hours, slightly unearthing things that keep you down, that prevent you from living.
You turn a blind eye to them and function the best you can. As long as you don't look too closely at them you can function. you can wake up and go to work and when you are not at work you drown yourself in comics and videogames hoping to hold the shadows at bay. Is this really all you expect from life?
I fell in love with your passion and your curiosity and your imagination. You used to create, now you only consume. You used to shine and make me feel challenged.
I don't feel that way anymore.
You said you used to have nothing to loose and maybe that's what made you shine. Perhaps you felt freer then and enjoyed life more.
Now you are afraid of losing all those things that you finally managed to get. A job that challenges you, a place of yours and a long and healthy relationship.
But I'm not sure you'll keep that last one for long the way things are going.
You hate yourself for not being good at your job but whatever spare time you have you squander trying to avoid thinking about how bad you feel for not being good at your job.
Anyhow. We all deal with our demons the best we can.
I don't know any better.
I am just not sure I can settle for what that makes of you.
mardi 1 janvier 2019
Hello 2019
For 2019, I wish to:
- Sort my paperwork out
- Write a new story
- Draw at least once a month
- Go climbing at least ten times in the year
- Dance at least twice a week
- Finish my knitted throw
- Sew at least one item of clothing
- Visit at least one new country
- Practice my foreign languages
- Read four books a month
- keep in touch with my friends
- get a new tattoo
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