Anyway.

My Father just decided to buy a new motorbike.

I shouldn't have told you that.

The fact that you know things about me doesn't mean that you can talk about them in public. Nope. This is not something I thought you'd do.
Made me ultimatly uneasy. I didn't want people to know that. I'm not Causette.
You drew attention on me and I wasn't prepared for that. Even less to talk about that. You know I don't like to talk about myself. Espacially if it's about something serious.
It's was like poking me with a stick, waiting for me to blush with shame.
I'm not mad, I'm just... uneasy. I don't like people to know.
I can handle myself,
People don't need to know about that. All I want them to see is Me, not the struggle behind it. They don't need to know why I do things or what I have to put up with.
Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing this down.
I suppose it surprised me so much that I had to write it down before burying it deep down.

Just a little

Can we go back to when it was OK being me?

About a girl

Is it stupid to be a bit stress about seeing someone?
G and I broke up a bit less than a year ago, and since, I more or less kept to myself. Which is the best thing to do, since I'll be leaving shortly for China.
I'm thinking about finding an excuse to cancel. It's the safe thing to do. I don't really have time for this anyway. I should be working on my essays and translations.
There's no way this is really happening. Nope. Not a chance.
She'd have sent a clearer message.
You. here. now.
That'd have made things easier.
(Or not)
I like to stick by the rules and if I can't write a date/hour/place on my agenda, then it must mean that well, it's not like real or anything.
That doesn't even make sense.
I mean, seriously. Me.
I'm a bit lost here. I can't understand why I said yes in the first place.
Sure, she's gorgeous and intelligent. We're clearly not playing in the same league.
What if I'm ridiculous?
It's not as if it was unlikely.
in fact is even likely to happen.
I already feel ridiculous. This is stupid. I'm leaving soon, why would I do that.
God! I hate being so self conscious.

Social animal

Next time I say I'm going to organise a party, please somebody shoot me.

Let me explain.
Organising a party is time consumming. checking who's going to come, who's staying overnight, who's bringing what, or how much should I buy to feed everyone.
It takes time and energy. Which I only have in limited amount. Taking time to organise a week end, means less time to study, which consequently means less time to sleep while I'm trying to get on with my homework. Not that I mind not sleeping, but at somepoint it leads to less energy, and this is a vicious cercle I know only too well.
So people not answering, playing dead, saying one thing and then the opposite is both frustrating ans incredibly tiring.
It wasn't even for myself! It was for PM. Surely you could have made an effort for her 25th birthday!
I had fun and I'm always happy to see all of you, but not like that. Not if if means that I have to work my ass off to make it happen.
Next time, I'll let someone else organise everything.

Stop saying "I'm sorry"

It's true.
I DO say "I'm sorry" a lot.
I can't help it. I apologize for approximativly everything.
I don't like to attract attention, to act in a way that could give a false idea of who I am, I don't like to bother people. That's the way things are. I do apologize a lot. For not being what people would like me to be.
So when that friend of mine said "Stop saying "I'm sorry!" ", I couldn't help it, I said "Sorry".
And I was.
As a matter of fact, I truly am sorry. I'm sorry I ask a lot of attention, I'm sorry I talk too much, I'm sorry I say stupid things sometimes. I'm sorry I'm not as strong as I should be. I'm sorry you have to deal with my insecurities. In a way, I suppose I'm sorry I'm not worth enough.
There is this voice, up there in my head, who just keeps on saying "you shouldn't do that", "you're worthless", "you're just annoying them", "they only talk to you because they pity you".
And no, it's not easy, to be sorry about existing.
Don't take me wrong, I fought tooth and nail to stay alive and to make something for myself. I don't say I hate my life, or anything.
What I'm trying to say here is: I'm pretty much scared of everything, and above all, I'm afraid my friends will leave me. Because they're bored, or because I'm not good enough.
I try to stand for myself. I don't let people get me down. Not my boss, not my teachers, not my classmates. I'm proud and strong, and I'm not sorry for who I am.
But friends... that's different.
Friends are important. Friends matter. Friendship comes first, before family, before work (before self preservation?).
I've done pretty stupid things, to please people I thought were friends. On a scale from 1 to "invade russia in winter" I might have hit the full mark a couple of times.
So since the last catastrophe I'm much more carefull about who I choose to befriend with.  I keep a safe distance. I don't get too emotionally involved, in case, you know, I misjudged someone (again). I don't want to crumble to dust (again).
But when I (finally) start to trust someone, I tend to be extremely self-conscious about what they think of me. After all the trouble I had to make friends, I don't want them to go away.
Friends are precious.
I lost friends, and it was hard. Friends are the family you choose, those you call in the middle of the night to help you hide a body.
So I can't help but feel sorry and guilty not to be as perfect as I'd like, because I scared to death they're going to leave me!
(Yeah, we all act more or less stupidly to cope with our insecurities.)
So to my dear friends: The fact that I apologize once every ten minutes is a proof that I do think highly of you. And it also means that yes, I am scared and no, I can't not say "I'm sorry". Because I am.
Sorry for that.

You look tired.

Thanks for the compliment.
I suppose you could have said dead.
Quite a lot of work lately. Meaning that I have enough on my plate to keep a team busy for a week.
On the other side, Sleep's been an issue (again). I wasn't sleeping well those last weeks. So I decided to avoid nightmares by dedicating another two or three hours to my homework instead of sleeping. My sleep didn't improve, but at least I manage to get some work done.

I also have to go to practice, which means that I come back home quite late (around 10 pm). Regional championship is in two weeks so we're working really hard (meaning I go home tired and aching, but usually happy).
Also, I managed to go to my ballet class last Tuesday, which was great, since I hadn't been able to attend it since January. Two hours to push your body, and forget about everything else. (Ballet is hard enough without thinking about anything else. You have to think about your feet, your legs, their position, your arms, keep your back straight, don't force on your shoulders, etc etc.)
So all in all, yeah, I'm dead tired, but morale's holding on, so it's not all bad.

GINGER IS BACK

I repeat, this is not a drill! GINGER IS BACK!
I'm a redhead again. I missed it so much!
I was quite terrified, going to the hair dresser. I went to "Tchip", a hairdresser chain, supposed to be, well... cheap but good. A friend of mine had told me that the reception was not really warm, and indeed, I did feel like I was not really welcomed, but all I wanted was that they would let me read My Harry Potter in peace, so I didn't mind too much.
I asked for a dye, a care and a cut, and I was really happy with the result.
The hairdresser didn't seem to be the best professionnal there is, but the dye worked and I love my new hair colour and cut (long bob)!
I sold my soul (again!)!

First Step: Denial

Terry Pratchett did NOT die today.
Nope.
I refuse this reality.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore

Talking about hair again!

Okay. So tonight, after leaving the office, I'm going to the hairdresser, to turn my head red again.
It was a very common shade of brown of which I was bored. I missed my red hair.
I hope It won't turn too orange or actual red, and that I'll have that nice shade of copper I liked so much.
I'm pretty excited!
If everything goes according to the plan, tonight, I'll be a ginger again!
I asked to keep my green hair, so the hairdresser will only dye half of my hair.

It's kind of true actually

I don't really believe in Astrology. I usually don't care what it says. But I found this one to be quite true. I don't think I can be defined by my zodiac sign. but this description is quite accurate:

"- is passion, fire in their veins, endless energy. they want to live forever and just experience everything, passionate about life and love and anything that holds their interest. they want to be the best at everything. they’re icarus flying too close to the sun, achilles and his power and his immortality. they’re loud and wild and they want the world, to live with childish excitement. their anger, though, is unpredictable and terrifying, like a volcano or a dragon that leave nothing behind their fury."