Forgotten lines

We were supposed to live ‘till the end of the world

to watch the sun explode

in hundreds of thousands colours

We were supposed to be invincible

To walk to the end of the world and beyond

to take path that no one had ever dared to walk.

I wanted to take your hand

But I couldn't move

I was awed by your freedom

I could never forget the sound of your voice

the light weight of your eyes staring at me

the warmth I felt while you were at my side.

I found that in one of my note books. I don't know if it's finished or not.
But here it is anyway.

Fresh start

Okay, let's start again.
I droped some of my MOOCs some weeks ago. I just felt too overwhelmed to get anything done and ended up doing nothing. So I quitted. It was the most reasonnable thing to do.
I don't like to quit, makes me feel guilty and worthless. But I needed time to do other things properly.
Being in several degrees at the same time in completly different fields is exhausting.
Marketing Master degree? Chinese BA? and lots of MOOCs (mainly Humanities)
That plus my two jobs, and sports, and friends, and... yeah, well too many things.
I can't mess up with my master degree. I don't like it, it's useless and boring, but I have to get that degree (and if possible, to hit best mark) So I had to work on several papers. Happily it's really easy, so with a bit of time and organisation, I managed to get everything done and handed in due time.
The good point is: I needed a fresh start, now I have one!
I signed up for new classes:
_ Greek and Roman Mythology
_ Introduction to mathematical philosophy
_ Magic in the Middle Ages (starts in 6 days)
and when I'll have more time I have a classe of "Introduction to philosophy" waiting.
fact that I managed to focus a bit on those classes and find motivation enough to work is both astonishing and really reassuring.

Whenever I try and learn something new

ME: It seems that I am not immediately excellent at this

ME: ...

ME: It is because I am a failure

ME: everything I touch dies

This is accurate. I love learning, but I can't admit that I'm not immediatly excellent at something. I should be! I understand how it works, THEN WHY ON EARTH AM I FAILING?!
This is frustrating. I don't understand.

A tribute

I thought about writting something about you, writting something to you. But you'll never read it, so it's sort of useless. You never come here anyway. Why should I bother.
You've know idea what is happening.
It's like global warming: slow, imperceptible. You can't really see it. There are some signs, but if you don't pay attention, you won't see them.
Or maybe you just don't want to see them.
But as invisible as it may seem, it's here, and getting worst.
you've no idea of what is growing inside me, the dangerous volcano that slowly comes back to life.

I don't talk, I don't ask.
I don't make much noise.
I try to be as invisible, sweet and small as possible.

I tamed the fire inside long ago. I burnt myself and learnt to fear it.
But it never went extinguished.

I am bored of being kind. I'm tired of being mute, I'm tired of being easy-going and always available. I'm tired of being the one who cares.
I care. I love you and I care for you.

But I don't have time for that.
It's partly my fault for I keep you in the dark.
Shutting up is my way to defend myself.

If I don't tell you anything about me, you won't be able to hurt me.
By telling people you're not supposed to.
By forgetting and consequently being tactless.
Or just carelessly hurting me.

So I keep you in the dark.
I don't answer your questions anymore, but you're too busy to notice.
It's easy. I even started to lie.
But I feel the fire inside and it hurts.

Taking the time to be supportive, to cool down before talking, to always be nice and smilling is actually costy.
I don't have time for that. I don't have energy for that.

But why do I even write? You won't read.
Oh my dear, one day, this is going to go wrong.

*Scratches*

The signs, first impression/ when you get to know them

breadmaakesyoufat:

Aries: kind, helpful and very confident/ fucking bossy but gets shit done

Taurus: cute, quiet and sweet/ strong minded and a giant shit talker

Gemini: funny, loud and annoying/ emotional trainwreck that hides it w/ humor

Cancer: nice, emotive and happy/ giant nerd that makes bad puns

Leo: warm hearted, giving and generous/ stares at the floor a lot, likes hugs

Virgo: shy, anxious and talented/ nice af and always thinking about space

Libra: beautiful, social and oblivious / super intelligent and really clumsy

Scorpio: grumpy, distant and a bit rude/ totally cute, dorky ball of anxious fluff

Sagittarius: strange, optimistic and hot/ really attached to their music, ditzy

Capricorn: passive, well liked and adorable/ super aggressive when mad

Aquarius: super smart, quirky and stubborn/ will love you no matter what, total sweetheart

Pisces: weird af, shy and artsy fartsy/ totally talented weirdo who gets excited by art supplies

Mine leaves right but leaves some stuff out.
And I know a couple of people whose sign is pretty accurate here.

Bored

I'm bored beyond repair.
Can't stay focused for more than 2 minutes.
I need someone to talk to.
Oh wait, No.
I need to sleep.
Except that I can't.
So I'll just have to keep busy.
Except that I can't focus for more than 2 minutes?
My usual activities don't challenge me enough anymore.
I need SOMETHING.
I feel like my body's made of lead.
I feel like I'm empty inside.
I'll just go back under the blanket
I'll just sleep 'till tomorrow.
Except that I can.
Bloody hell,
someone please put a bullet through my brain.

Fair Fight?

If it is a fair fight, then someone has failed somewhere.

Fail, but with panache!

"You should celebrate"

I tried.
Nobody's coming. I'm cancelling.

Nightmares

"You look tired, you should sleep more"

Yeah, well, it's not really as if I had a choice, right?
Sleeping. I like sleeping.
Warm blanket, soft pillow, stars above my head.

It's the mightmares that I don't like.
They're made with remains of the past, insecurities and harsh memories.
They leave me tired and sad on the morning.
There is always this bittersweet taste, the regret, of an era gone forever.
There is the shame and the debilitating terror of tragedies that even time can't erase.
There is the constant humming of all the small things we add up everyday.

That's probably what is the hardest: good and bad things all mixed up together until you can't really say if you really want it to stop.

They say I have to let go of the past.
I did. I turned and walked away. I worked hard not to dwell on old memories.
But how am I supposed to feel when they come every night, taunting me, haunting me?
I keep on going. Straight back and proud face.
I won't let the past crush me.

And still every night, I see the same faces, hear the same words, relive the same scenes.
And on the morning, I feel exhausted and vaguely lost.

Birthday Girl

Today I turned 24.
It's no big deal, really.
I didn't even celebrate.
But I thought someone ought to know.
It's just another day.
But today I turned 24.

Get up - Extreme Music

I found this.
I love it.
Enjoy.

*victory-dance*

"You have been admitted"

Oh Good Gracious God.
That's it.
I just got the email.
I've been admitted. A one year program of Chinese Lessons. In China.
I'm leaving.
It's not Hogwarts, but Gosh! This is so cool!
I'm so happy! So excited!
(so stressed too)
I'm leaving to China!
*runs in circle, crying*
*victory-dance*
*mini-wave for myself!*

Funny story

There've been a lot of work in my building lately. All the windows have been changed and the frontage has been insulated.
Two days ago, the architect and the site manager came to check that everything had been done properly.
When they entered my sister's bedroom, they saw her bed, which is just next to the window, unmade, with her enormous stuffed Thumper. And some really weird thing suddenly dawned at them:
"You can't let a small child bed so close to the window! It's not safe! He or she might fall out of the window!" They told my father.
The information took a sec or two to sink in before my dad answered.
" Yeah, sure, I'll tell her that. I know preparatory class must be really stressful, but I don't think she'll throw herself out of the window."
My sister's 19.
The enormous plush Thumper might have been a bit confusing.

According to the stars

According to my Zodiac sign, my angry self is: " Give me one good reason why I shouldn't set you on fire."
And for once, I have to admit, this is pretty accurate. That or "If you say one more thing, I'm going to hit you so hard, you're going to fly to the moon."
Next step being me hitting you with a sharpened shovel.
You've been warned.

signs angry with you

• Aries: "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't set you on fire."
  Taurus: won't talk to you and gossips behind your backGemini: confronts you with what you did wrong and tells you what you have to changeCancer: silent treatmentLeo: sends nasty text messages to you and tells everyone they knowVirgo: writes a rant about you on tumblrLibra: hits on your crushScorpio: gives you the coldest, deadliest stare you could imagineSagittarius: cruel to your faceCapricorn: adds you to their hit listAquarius: writes a poem about you then screams at you for 19 and a half yearsPisces: makes plans to murder you
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