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samedi 28 novembre 2015

I hate being sick.

Generally, I guess it is reasonable to say that I have a high tolerance to pain. Broken bones and torn muscles I ignored, symptoms of illness I overlooked for the sake of my time table, for the sake of myself. I don't like to admit that sometimes my body just betrayed me once again.
So I'd just go on, not saying a word. and feeling guilty for not being as efficient, not as quick. It's stupid, but that's how it is. I'd sneeze, I'd cough, I'd shiver and probably be running a fever, but I wouldn't say a word about it. I felt like if there was no obvious sign, their was no reason for me to complain and bother people with me being sick.
Then I realised that this was slowly killing me. I'd just go on with my life and be exhausted. I was putting on an act that no one asked for. I was forcing myself into silence, because I felt like I didn't deserve the right to complain about something as trivial as being sick.

 I took the habit of complaining when I'm sick. I guess it's more an habit than anything. I used to do as if there was nothing and just go on with my day. And now I complain. I guess I do it more for myself than anything else. By admitting that I am sick and actually easing a part of the frustration in a complain makes the situation real. By saying that I am sick, I actually allow myself to show signs of weakness and not carry on as if everything was alright.

So my flatmates have been hearing me complain about being sick for days now. I caught a cold. Nothing to be worried about. But with my stupid immune system, I just feel drained.
I'm sorry girls. For complaining so much. Thank you for putting up with me.

dimanche 22 novembre 2015

Try me!

Shower thoughts:

"Pain is nature’s way of saying “don’t do that”. Painkillers are Man’s way of saying “Watch me”"

How many times did I ignore the pain? how many times did I just go one with my day, pushing the pain away. How many times did I keep on running, despite my bones cracking and my muscles snapping. How often did I see Pain as a reward for my own discipline.
If it doesn't hurt, it means that you are not working enough.
How many times did I kept on jumping and bending and running, while injured.
How many times did I ignore that headache? For days sometimes. The fever? The feeling that this body was going to fall apart? How many times did I say "Watch me" when my body requested some rest?

How many times did I keep on working despite the lack of sleep, keeping busy and never slowing down? How many times did I went on for days, catching two hours here and a nap? How many times did I just shrug when I realise that I wasn't going to sleep anytime soon?

How many times did I push away the hunger? Hands shaking, taking a deep breath and pushing away the feeling that clawed its way in my stomach. Just focusing on the next thing I had to do, never slowing.

Pain is Nature's way to set limites? Watch me.

mardi 17 novembre 2015

Headcanon accepted

mudblcods:
I have this really important Headcanon where Remus gets to Hogwarts and has no idea how being around people works, since he’s been isolated from people outside his parents practically his whole life. So you can imagine this scrawny little boy with brown curls and skin pale as paper, with this massive red cardigan over his robes and muddy boots with a pink and green bandaid over the bridge of his nose, of course he has no idea how to tie a tie, so he wears it in a bow instead.
So this goofball walks into his very first potions class and his hand shoots up at the very first question, and he stands up and rambles on for about ten minutes about the pros and cons of using mandrake leaves. (having already read through all of the text books,) and you can be sure he isn’t shy with swear words because by age 11 Remus has read every book in the house and has a pretty large vocabulary, and when he’s done he sits down and Sirius black and James potter stand up and applaud him because goddamn, this nerd just said “fucking rare as shit” to a teacher, who is this. All while Slughorn has never looked more constipated in his life.
Tomfoolery:

And with this headcanon in mind, now remember when Sirius said: “You should hear how Remus speaks about Umbridge.“

samedi 14 novembre 2015

We had forgotten

We had forgotten that the world is at war. We lived in our bubble, thinking that it couldn't happen to us. And we were wrong.
We were protected by our luck, to be born in the right country, where we could go to bed at night without being afraid or being killed by a bomb during the night.
We were safe because people are keeping us safe. doing their job, doing their best, so we could stay safe. We were so lucky some of us didn't understood what it meant to be at war. to flee your country because you fear for your life.
But we are not so lucky anymore.
I used to live in Paris. To take the metro everyday. And I remember wondering "how long before our peaceful existence ends?"
Last night, terrorist killed some people. That's it. People who only believe in violence to gain power over their fellow humans. They are not Muslims, they are not of any nationality. They are children of a sick sad world and they only believe in Power and Violence.
I am sad. Oh I am so sad. Sad because no one deserved that. Sad because people died, because families are grieving, because it hurt to be forced to accept reality. the world is at war and it has been for years.
And I am afraid. Oh so afraid. I am afraid that it will never stop, that other people will die, that innocent lives will be wasted. I am afraid of people idiocy and lack of judgement. I am afraid that people will ask for blood to clean blood. I am afraid of those who call for revenge and for more violence. I am afraid for those who will be wronged because assimilated to those who hurt us, when they are just as afraid, just as sad and just as innocent as the rest of you.
I don't live in Paris anymore, but my family and friends still live there. At 6 this morning, My flatmate Lea came to wake me up, telling me to check on my folk. We listened to the radio, looked for more information, waiting for our friends and family to give us a sign, to tell us they were okay. And the French student sent each other messages, to check on each other. None of us lost anyone.
Does it feel reassuring? Yes. We are not grieving. But people died last night. People I didn't know and will never know. People who should have lived. People who had a name, a live, a situation, who were sons and daughters, maybe fathers and mothers. People died.
I am afraid for the future.
And yet, I am hopeful.
Because I know there are good people out there. Who will answer to those atrocities with kindness and patience. People who will teach kids that violence is born from hatred and ignorance and that we should be able to talk to each other instead of killing each other. People who will help the helpless and who will give their blood and sweat and to make this world a better place.
I wish people would be more tolerant and think twice before calling for blood. I wish people would be decent enough to let the dead rest in peace and the living grieve. I wish we would stop being so mean.
Be safe, people. Be tolerant and patient and take care of yourself and of those you love.

lundi 9 novembre 2015

PM - Look what I found!

PM!
LOOK!
I FOUND IT AGAIN!
THIS IS SO US!
I MISS YOU SO MUCH!
YES, I AM SHOUTING, IS IT A PROBLEM?
I LOVE YOU.
YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF ME.

dimanche 8 novembre 2015

To take a break

It's been a while since I wrote anything.
Life goes on and I am as usual extremely busy. That, and I slowly learn to let go.
Today, I gave myself a break. I haven't started to write for the nanowrimo yet today. I was working Friday and Saturday, so I didn't write anything either. meaning that I am 5000 words late. and for the moment, I don't rush. I slept very little those last two nights, because I was working, so when I came back early this afternoon, I decided to give myself a break. To take a nap, and to just let myself waste some hours, to check pinterest, and chat on facebook. to do nothing very productive. Just to let my brain breath. I work well under pressure, and I enjoy a good challenge. but today, I wasn't in the mood. I wanted a quiet afternoon. A moment between the rush of my long day as a model yesterday, and the rush of my mid term exams week.
I learn to let go, to breath and to see how it feels, to enjoy the moment.
I guess leaving the comfort of France changed me, little by little. I was shaken but so many things and changes. I always knew how to wing things up, to make things work despite not having control on them. Now I learn to roll with it and stop trying to make things work perfectly.
So today I didn't write. I let my brain rest. I skyped my family back in France, chatted with friends, but did not write. And it's fine. I'll take my time, write a little more everyday and I'll make it to the 50000 words.
[I also happen to have some awesome test reader who help me with the lack of motivation. It helps a lot, thank you Girls!]

vendredi 6 novembre 2015

Missing my books

I left France with only 3 books. So I obviously have nothing to read anymore. Which is a pain. I have my kobo with me. Would someone have any recommendation about what I could read? Titles? or even PDF or DOC they could send me?
Please, I need to read a book!