Fresh Start

I have been wishing to write this article for a while now, but I literally couldn’t. I had some quite  busy months, and it feels great. A bit tiring, but I love it.
I came back to France three months ago with a super long to do list mostly about enjoying my summer and preparing for my new life in France.

When I left for China, I intended to stay there for 3 to 5 years, during which I would finish my studies and find a job. It was a good plan.
But like every good plan, it went south after the first step.
After years cramming three lives in one (studies, a full time job, and doing gymnastics, and ballet, and keeping a social life, writing and more), I found myself struggling with depression again. I just didn’t know how to function without constant stress. My life had until then only been fuelled with a mix of stress, fear, pride and willpower and without constant activity, I felt lost and wasted.
I had to study, sure, and I had a small job, but there wasn’t stress to keep me going. I went to classes, went to work, but while I finally had time to work on projects I had had to put aside, I found myself having no motivation for them at all.

It took months before I found my balance again. Before I managed to understand how to live and not just survive. How to enjoy every day. To find a source of motivation that wasn’t stress.

All in all, China was an extraordinary experience. I learnt a lot. Mostly about myself. I learnt that I need my friends and peers. That I am not as independent as I wish I were. If I don’t surround myself with people who make me feel like I belong somewhere, I have a hard time facing the world. I need people to share what is going on in my head. The stories, the ideas, the questions. I need challenge.
Without it, I just get lost in my inner world.
I also realised that my side projects must remain side projects for me to enjoy them fully. I need my creative activities to be moment of escape from reality; otherwise fear of failure turns it sour: nothing I do is good enough to be “a job” and I become incapable of producing anything as good as when I do it for myself.

I found a job I like and that actually suits me: Teaching. Sharing what I know.
It feels great. I feel  useful.
Okay, I also still feel like a fraud but I don’t think this will ever go away.

So coming back to France really feels like a fresh start. China was supposed to be my big fresh start, but in fact, it has been the break I needed in order to find a new balance. I didn’t just need space and a start over, but some time to learn about myself. Who I am and how to live.
France. The place I left thinking I wouldn’t comeback. The irony is palpable. I like it.

So here I am, starting again.
Sweet Monster and I are moving in together, learning to cohabitate, and I am looking for a job, which I will hopefully find. I have projects and side projects. I have my friends to cha