Saying Goodbye

Today, I said goodbye to most of my friends. It was honnestly a heartache to be so close to everyone for one last evening.
First, I was a bit angsty (meaning totally freaking out)about letting all my friends meet. It  has always been a huge mess for me, because of the way I compartmentalise every aspect of my life.
But I wanted to see everyone, and time is running out, making it impossible to plan several small parties. So I had to let go and let all my friends meet.
I have always been afraid that my friends might not like eachother, or that they might like eachother a bit too much and forget me. Keeping thinks away from one another made it easier to keep control on situations.
But for once, I broke my usual pattern, gor bold and invited people from everywhere.
To anyone, it might mean nothing. but to me, it was a huge event.
I had picked very carrefully who was going to come. I might have hurt some people's ego in the process, but I couldn't care less.
I had people I've known for years, and people that have only been  around for a year or so. My favorite Larpers, my two awesome gymnastics teammates, some Parisian Steamers.
Unfortunatly, none of my friends from Charly came. They all cancelled more or less at the last possible moment.
I was angsty about bringing people to my safe place, my house. It was accepting to show them a bit more that my usual self and it was quite a challenge for me.
Lucky me, I have awesome friends who've been absolutly perfect about helping me to calm down, either by leaving me some space and a quiet time alone in my bedroom, or by being positively adorable and making sure I was alright.
To those, thanks.
I had decided not to put myself through the usual ordeal of cooking and cleaning the house. I had decided to make it simple, and just ask people to bring whatever they wanted to eat or drink.
Needless to say, we didn't lack anything.
I had a perfect evening. I talked with everyone, I laughted, I sang.
I'm still quite an introvert, so at some point I took refuge in my bedroom to escape the noise and the agitation, but elsewise, it was a perfect evening.
I was extremely self conscious, because of the dress I was wearing, but it was worth it.

I also received presents. They all knew I have a very limited luggage weight, but the kept on giving me new things. nice bottles to drown my pain, small objects to remind me of home, should I feel down.
And some pictures. Oh so many pictures. I complained about not having pictures to bring with me to China, so my Sweet Monster brought a printer and had pictures printed out for me.

Saying good bye to everyone was hard. Every person I walked to the door, I knew I wasn't going to see the before long. A year, maybe more. I don't know if all those frienship will survive and if I'll even see all of them again.
It was a small pinch to my heart.
I gave as many hugs as I could. enjoyed people's present as much as I could, drowning in their perfume, recording their voices, their laugh, the way they talk and they move.
I will miss them. I will miss you. All of you.

I had decided that I wouldn't cry. Whatever could happen, I wouldn't cry. And I managed to make it 'till the last car left my street, and then tears started to run down my cheeks.
My heart ached and I wanted nothing more than to see you come back.
I suddenly felt the loss of what I'm leaving behind me.

I kept busy and loved every one of the sweet messages you sent me.

I will miss you guys. Miss your company, Miss the way I felt confortable, having you all around. the way you all brought me something different. I will miss sharing thos precious moment with you.
And I will cherish every memory I have, hoping you'll allow me to buid new ones with you, even from afar.

The signs ultimate weakness when it comes to a partner

Aries: when they whisper sweet and dirty things in your ear.

Taurus: when they try really hard to impress you

Gemini: when they start kissing your neck

Cancer: when they are as clingy as you are

Leo: when they make funny faces at you during serious situations

Virgo: when they giggle during sex/ while making out

Libra: when they smile involuntarily when you laugh

Scorpio: when they act like they feel safe and protected around you

Sagittarius: when they are a giant dork who loves what you love

Capricorn: when they are super smiley and never fail to be happy

Aquarius: when they are in love with cuddles and always want to squish

Pisces: when they are as weird and dorky as you

James Sirius Potter Is Entering HOGWARTS today!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
As every 1st Septembre, Today young wizards and witches are back to school! ANd today is a special day!
James Sirius Potter, first born of Harry Potter and  Ginny Weasley is entering HOGWARTS!

J.K Rowling even posted some more information about the event on Twitter:
James Sirius has been sorted into Gryffindor, just like his parents! And Teddy Lupin, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonk's son is Headboy of HufflePuff, which is so cool! He is in the same house as his mother and he's intelligent and kind.

This sounds like the perfect moment to start reading again the whole Harry Potter serie!

I'm a crazy Potterhead, everyone knows that. It's been so important in my life that I can't even give you an idea of the impact it had on me. I mean, Hermione Granger being the most badass girl possible! Proud, ans strong, and so intelligent! She was serious and curious, and she made it cool to be the smart kid of the class. She made being serious at school cool. She made reading and studying important (Harry and Ron would have died if she hadn't read so much). McGonagall was the best of All, Molly weasley the perfect mother, The whole universe, while not perfect taught kids so many important things: Adults are not always right, the gouvernment doesn't always know better, you have to work and fight for things if you want the to happen. It taught us that friends should stick together, that everyone has his own strengh (Neville might not be the best student, but he is dedicated, brave and a genius in herbology).

To every one:

 Enjoy one more year of magic

An afternoon by the sea

PM and I have been friends for 8 years.  We met when I was 16. And since, we've done quite a huge amount of crazy things. We took the bus to Anwerp, to see our favorite band, we went on holidays together.
So when we decided to suddenly decided to go on a roadtrip to Normandy, I knew we were going to have fun.
After some administrative obligations, we finally left my town. The car doesn't accept any USB keys or whatsoever, so we decided to dig in our CDs to select our adolescence love.
Korn, Rammstein, Within temptation, Evanescence, System of a down.
We were both dress as respectable young ladies going, and I like to think that people might have been surprised of the music we were listening.
As it happens, people often assume that you're listening to a certain type of music because of your look. Which can be quite misleading with PM and I. It's always so fun to imagine the reaction of people if they knew what we're listening. It feels like being spies under cover.

So we arrived at my Place in Normandy. My grandparents had made lunch for us, and thats definitly something I'm going to miss, once I'll be in China. I always loved my grand mother's cooking.
Then we left the house to go to the beach.
Sea, sand and sun. I missed it so much. Seeing that place where I have so many great memories had some kind of bittersweet taste. I have learned to walk there, to swimm, it was also where I went on a boat for the first time, and then where I learnt to sail and, where I sailed, all by myself. I ran at dawn or at dusk, clearing my head. I looked at the colours of the clouds above the sea, never getting bored of it.

PM and I even went to swim. The water was cold. It's always cold. I like it. It make you feel alive, your sking tingling, hair raised, shivering. we didn't stay in the water very long, just until we were too cold to enjoy it anymore. Then we went on walking along the beach, before going home.

It was the only time I managed to get to see the sea and go swim in the whole summer. But I really didn't wan't to leave the country without going back to Normandy first.

Quand on n'a pas de tête, on a des jambes pour courir.

I forgot my brain home this morning. I had to bring some stuff to Lea, but forgot everything. I haven't be sleeping well for quite some time now. I sleep, even try to sleep more than usual, to compensate the perpetual weariness, but it doesn't actually work. I wake up in the morning even more exhausted than I was when I went to bed. Getting out of the bed is a challenge.
Those are not the usual nightmares. They are not made of memories as the used to. They are just weird, and fucked up, and leave me unconfortable. The feeling when I get up is different. I can live with my I did and what happened to me in the past, and burry it back every morning. But those nightmares have been different. less logical. They also play on my fears and anxiety, but in a way that make them much more difficult to push them away when day comes. It's been like that for some times now. It's cool that my past is not haunting me as much as it used to, but I'd like to be able to go to bed without fearing what's on the other side.
I sort of always had a crapy sleep, so I'm used to it. but today it will cost me a 3-hour-trip back to my place to get some stuff and bring them to Lea. I'd have gladly avoided it. Honnestly.
I'd like to be able to get some sleep without wondering if I won't wake up anyone sleeping near me, to be able to go somewhere without checking twice if I have everything I need to sleep.
Oh, and not being awake every freaking two hours or so! That would be a cool improvement too!

Reading again

I haven't been able to read for month. My brain has been on overdrive quite often and my free time has been dedicated to side projects. And no book managed to keep my attention for more than a minute or two.
But since I've been back from London, with new books I started reading again. I love reading. I missed it so much.
I just needed to find books I was sure would keep my mind busy, would feed my imagination and shield me from the grey dullness of my daily life. I needed to find a book I wanted to read. Something I wouldn't abandon on the shelf after a couple of pages.
And now I'm back to my usual "A book/a week" rate, with me longingly looking at my book on the desk, not being able to read and being highly frustrated that I cannot find a peaceful place and keep on reading.
I want to know what comes next!

Leap of faith

I am afraid. Well, that's not exactly something new. I'm more or less afraid of everything, just way too stubborn to take it in account. "Scared? GOOD! Let's do it anyway!"
That's how I made lots of things work. I was afraid. It was completely insane, but I threw myself in nonetheless, and winged things up until it worked.
I like the comfort of my safety zone. But I just can't let fear dictate my life. Not in a thousand years!
And In a month, I'm going to take a new leap of faith.
Leaving the safety of my Job in Paris, of living at my parents place, of studying something really easy, of my friends. New and old. I'll leave everything behind me and try something else on the other side of the world.
I don't really know what will happen to me afterward. I try not to think too much about it. Will I come back to France? Leave China for India, or for Iceland? I ditch the unremarkable life I had for a new life of adventure. And it's both Thrilling and Terrifying.
I've so much to do before leaving. So many people I want to see, and NOT FREAKING LEAVE BEHIND!
I mean, I know, they'll all be there when I come back (or so I hope) but still, there's a huge amount of voices in my head saying that this is INSANE.
Of course, I'll also make new friends there. But well, here at least I know who the weirdos are.
I'll have to try my best and blend in (at least long enough to make the difference between muggles and weirdos.)
I need to leave, that's not even an option. I've been preparing my departure for literally more than a year, but fuck, It's crazy.
I guess people would hit me on the head for saying that, but I literally have nightmares about ending up alone after leaving the country. I will miss all that crazy folk and probably wish I never left.
I need to go. Let's be honnest. Those last two years have been ...er... interesting? I did learn a lot about myself, grew up as a person, and had tones of fun with lovely people.
But good gracious god, I'm happy to leave my job and my business school! It's been a ordeal to put one foot in front of the other for the last two years. I got so bored! My brain felt like it was rusting in my skull. It's been draining me all year long, and I had so many breakdown I could have designed a rollercoaster after my moodswings.
At least now I know that I'm not made for working in an office.
I need to widen my horizon and to try new things. I need changes and new challenges.

I'll be back to my love for foreign languages. Back to study languages, even teaching languages! I'll learn so many things!
Chinese! (quite obviously) and Russian (there's lots of russian speaking people at the university, so it should help!) also Arabic (same than for Russian) and possibly Thai (very likely since Lea's friends are mainly thai.)
I'm seriously afraid of loosing people and filled with adrenalin just with the anticipation of so much knowledge at my disposition.
Please people, don't forget me while I'm away.
I know it's part of life, people moving, and meeting new people and only the strongest friendship survive, but I'm too afraid to lose everyone. I know people won't stop living while I'm away, and it's even a good thing. I'm happy that their life go one and get even better. I just wish that there will still be a small place for me in their life.

Let's wing it up!

I haven't seen the sea for WAY too long. I miss the salty wind, the low rumble of the waves on the beach. I miss feeling the sand under my feet, I miss swimming, I miss sailing.
Oh Lord, I miss sailing so much. The speed, the wind in my ears, in my hair, being standing over the water, surfing on the waves.
So PM and I decided to leave Paris for a day. We'll go to my grand parents' place in Normandy. They felt a bit lonely lately, so we decided to go say hi!
"Hey, I want to see the sea, let's go see My grans in Normandy saturday!"
"Okay."

I love PM. She has loads of defaults, and I could rant dor hours about her, but nonetheless: I love her. She is that awesomely crazy girl, who never says No to an improvised trip. We have some great memorise of our famous trip to Anwerp, for the anniversary live of one of our favorit band, or when we decided to go to London.
So here we are again! Going on an adventure in Normandy!

Wolfgang - Resident lunatic

Socialising with muggles - How fast can you call someone your "best friend"?

As you know I work in a not very glamourous field: I'm a Marketing product manager for a French Car-maker. It's not the most thrilling job, not very brain-challenging, but my colleagues are cool, so it's okay.
The thing is that it's a Muggle thing.
It's common, mainstream, doesn't come even close to the cultures I identify to, or to the things I like.
Here, I'm a bit of an Alien, a weird bird.
And one of the things that makes me feel so awkwardly different is quite simple actually. I'm passionate.
Of an incredible number of things.
I love reading, mainly fantasy books, I love sewing, and writing, kniting, dancing, singing, studying. I could talk about those things for hours. They make something resonate in me. I feel whole, I feel excited, and curious. It make my heart beat faster, time flies, my brain works faster.
Someone once said that I glow from inside and I talk with my hands whenever I talk about something I love.
I'm well known for my impossibly complicated and overbooked agenda, and of the incredible number of activities I was take at the same time. That's only because I'm so passionate. If I didn't love so many things, I wouldn't bother with so many activities, events, practice.
The thing is that to me, it feels natural. Discovering new things, and tring to master as many as possible in the shorter amount of time, doing as many things as possible.
So when I talk to people, I'm always astonished when people tell me that the don't have a passion, or a special thing, no personnal project they're working on, be it sewing something, building something, writing something, composing something.
I'm not good at small talk. I want to talk about the way earth moves, about the new scientific discoveries, about colours that don't exist, about what one dreams at night, or what's in one's head.
Talking with people with no passion for anything, whose life is limited to work and party is a weird experience. There is no real conversation, it's just all small talks and meaningless words.
How do they keep busy? What do they do during the week-end?
Talking about the things I'm interested in got me being labeled as a "weirdo", as someone strange, someone that should not be taken too seriously. My opinion is often neglected because "Don't pay attention, she's a weird". In the team, I'm the resident genius. A living-geeky-encyclopedia-of-useless-knowledge.
Not the best way to socialise in your work place.
I could be good at socialising. I'm a good actress. I faked being normal when that was necessary, but I realised that... I'm not "Normal" I'm passionnate. I don't like small talks. I don't like letting people saying things I know aren't accurate and thus spreading ignorance. So I stopped pretending. I just stood right in my shoes and said what I had to say. Talkes about mathematics, about history of fashion, about sewing new costumes, about working on my next novel, about feminism, about symbolism in books, about the coulour of the earth everywhere I've been, I talked about what makes my heart race and watched who listened and who talked back, who joined the conversation, who were the other weirdos.

Socialising is not mandatory. Toning down is not mandatory. Standing out of the crowd can actually be pretty awesome.
My colleagues gave me a nickname. They like me. I'm part of the team, even if my social skills are different than theirs.

On the other side, My stepfather teased me yesterday for calling someone "my best friend" even if I've known him only for a few month.
He said that it was childish. That a best friend is someone with whom you build a relationship over time, over years and that only time makes them a "best-friend".
But To me that description felt wrong. I'm been know for dissapearing from the surface of the earth every few years, loosing people each time. The only ones who stayes were my best friends. my special friends. The weirdos with whom I talked about the landscape in their head, about the way I see the sky. For most of them, they went from stranger to best friend in a very short time, because those are the ones I felt, and I kwen, I had something in common with. We stood outside the crowd together, worked the same way and understood eachother.
I do believe in friendships that grow from barely knowing someone to be as brothers in years. But because we stand out, because we are different and it shows, it's easier to meet people to whome you're close to, to bond with people you have many things in common. I do believe that it is possible to become best friends in two month. Or in two weeks, why not? Because there was some place left in my heart, because even if we don't know each other by heart, we understand eachother on a level far deeper than most. We skip the small talk and go for the "how many galaxies are in your heard?"
I do believe that PM was my best friend from scratch. That from the moment we met, she was different and had a special place. That from the beginning, without knowing her, I knew she was my best friend.
And I do believe that among the new friends I made this year, one of them is indeed one of those special friend. It is. I don't question it. I just know it.