Saying Goodbye

Today, I said goodbye to most of my friends. It was honnestly a heartache to be so close to everyone for one last evening.
First, I was a bit angsty (meaning totally freaking out)about letting all my friends meet. It  has always been a huge mess for me, because of the way I compartmentalise every aspect of my life.
But I wanted to see everyone, and time is running out, making it impossible to plan several small parties. So I had to let go and let all my friends meet.
I have always been afraid that my friends might not like eachother, or that they might like eachother a bit too much and forget me. Keeping thinks away from one another made it easier to keep control on situations.
But for once, I broke my usual pattern, gor bold and invited people from everywhere.
To anyone, it might mean nothing. but to me, it was a huge event.
I had picked very carrefully who was going to come. I might have hurt some people's ego in the process, but I couldn't care less.
I had people I've known for years, and people that have only been  around for a year or so. My favorite Larpers, my two awesome gymnastics teammates, some Parisian Steamers.
Unfortunatly, none of my friends from Charly came. They all cancelled more or less at the last possible moment.
I was angsty about bringing people to my safe place, my house. It was accepting to show them a bit more that my usual self and it was quite a challenge for me.
Lucky me, I have awesome friends who've been absolutly perfect about helping me to calm down, either by leaving me some space and a quiet time alone in my bedroom, or by being positively adorable and making sure I was alright.
To those, thanks.
I had decided not to put myself through the usual ordeal of cooking and cleaning the house. I had decided to make it simple, and just ask people to bring whatever they wanted to eat or drink.
Needless to say, we didn't lack anything.
I had a perfect evening. I talked with everyone, I laughted, I sang.
I'm still quite an introvert, so at some point I took refuge in my bedroom to escape the noise and the agitation, but elsewise, it was a perfect evening.
I was extremely self conscious, because of the dress I was wearing, but it was worth it.

I also received presents. They all knew I have a very limited luggage weight, but the kept on giving me new things. nice bottles to drown my pain, small objects to remind me of home, should I feel down.
And some pictures. Oh so many pictures. I complained about not having pictures to bring with me to China, so my Sweet Monster brought a printer and had pictures printed out for me.

Saying good bye to everyone was hard. Every person I walked to the door, I knew I wasn't going to see the before long. A year, maybe more. I don't know if all those frienship will survive and if I'll even see all of them again.
It was a small pinch to my heart.
I gave as many hugs as I could. enjoyed people's present as much as I could, drowning in their perfume, recording their voices, their laugh, the way they talk and they move.
I will miss them. I will miss you. All of you.

I had decided that I wouldn't cry. Whatever could happen, I wouldn't cry. And I managed to make it 'till the last car left my street, and then tears started to run down my cheeks.
My heart ached and I wanted nothing more than to see you come back.
I suddenly felt the loss of what I'm leaving behind me.

I kept busy and loved every one of the sweet messages you sent me.

I will miss you guys. Miss your company, Miss the way I felt confortable, having you all around. the way you all brought me something different. I will miss sharing thos precious moment with you.
And I will cherish every memory I have, hoping you'll allow me to buid new ones with you, even from afar.