Friendship

I had a very precise idea of what I wanted to write, but now I'm not so sure anymore.
We've been talking about this event for month (literaly) and I've been looking forward to it, because I haven't seen my best friend in ages.
I have been working on my dress for days. I even canceled appointements to be able to finish it on time. Friends appointments. Medical one too.
We were finally going to do something together, that wouldn't include any of my friends except her. I'd have been only here for her, and we'd have had so much fun.
But she just canceled because one of her friends who lives abroad (like on another continent) is in Paris for only a week and they only have this sunday to see each other. They haven't seen each other in years (4 to be precise).
And I understand. I'm happy she's able to see friends, because I know she has been very lonely this last year, and it has been very tiring for her. And I understand that it's only ill luck that it should happen on this precise day. We'll have other opportunities, ans they won't have so many.
But I'm tired and sick to be the second choice. the one that get discarded when one need to find some room in one's agenda. I'm sick of appointements being cancelled. There are always good reason, and I understand, I really do. I can rationnalise almost anything. but it doesn't erase the feeling, the excruciating pain of being the one put aside.
I am tired of being the one who starts the conversation, who makes the efforts to know how people are, to try to make everything work for every one. I'm tired of apologising for feeling mad when someone canceles. Again. And I'm sick of reminding myself that I can't blame anyone if I'm lonely, I should make more efforts. People won't magically come at me and say "hi! how are you today?" If I want something, I have to fight for it and to make it happen.
Doesn't mean I like it.
Is it selfish to be upset? to be sad? to be empty enough to sleep when I should be working and to be writting when I should sleep?
I'm tired of being the one starting the conversation, and changing my plans to make everyone happy.
I'm ranting on a blog so I won't pain my best friend with that. how crazy is that?
She doesn't read it, so I'm not really taking any risk.
I'm leaving the country on 2 month, and I wonder. who will actually miss me?
That's a question which comes back every now and then. who will miss me? really? Who will miss my voice when I'm talking too loud, who will miss my crazy kitty moves, or my passionnate rantings?
Are there people out there who actually think about sharing something with me? like "Hey, it made me think about you" or "I wanted to share this with someone!"
Not her, She's got a boy friend, and well, he gets the messages first.
Who then?
I have other friends, some of with I consider to be the closest to me. But even them, there rare and I feel guilty of asking to much of their time. Of intruding. Of meing the one who always need attention.
It's hard to have second thoughts when thinking about talking to a friend.
"will they get bored?" "when was the last time I spoke to them?"
Who could I call in the middle of the night after a nightmare? There are people out there who clame to me friends with me, but is it true really? would you call me in the middle of the night? would you share something with me? would you miss me?
How long would it take you to realise that I'm not there anymore? that no one heard about me for sometimes? who would come and talk?
I feel like I'm an intruder.
I am not saying no one likes me. I know that much at least. it helps.
I'm just writing down some of what is spinning in my head. better writting that other things. But hey, I grew up, no need to worry. I'll handle it. that's what I do.
I handle things and make them right and shinny for everyone to be happy. I'd just like someone to do the same for me. Is it that selfish?