Be content of what you have.

I am a crazily competitive workoholic when it's about sports.
I work hard, I put myself in harms way if need is, and I don't stop untill I master things.
If I take part in a competition, whatever I say before, my only goal once I'm there is to bet a medal. Gold if possible.

So when they called us 7th, I felt my heart squeez a little. not in the good way.
Sure, 7th over the whole country is good! it's even damn good, I never thought we could make it.
But...
What I doubted the most was not the ability of the team. We're good. Some more than others, but we had muscles enough to pull get into the top 10 without too much trouble.
So why not get to the top 3? that would have been a real challenge.
But none of them believed it. They did not want it. They just looked at it and went "meh, 10th would be good", when I was "First will be cool"
If one doesn't push oneself to go farther, to get past one's own limits, what's the point of being in a competition?

I can't be satisfied to be 7th, because we could have done so much better.
There were mistakes, things that didn't work. It was a good performance, but not THE performance.
And they did not wanted. They didn't even try. They knew the could do top 10, so they when for it, without even thinking the could go for the top 3.
I didn't feel it. I couldn't see the same flame, the same raging fierceness that burnt into my guts, in them.

And that, I don't understand. It pains me to realise that I don't know how to enjoy things, I don't feel content with small victories and seing everyone happy makes me ache even more because I can't feel the same way. I wish I could sometimes. Fierceness is good, fuels me when I need to be. But if I don't enjoy the outcome, what's the point?

"You'll do better next year" - I won't. I'll be in China next year. That was my last season as a Rhythmic Gymnast. And I don't like the way it ends.