The Adjustement Bureau

Okay, so I'm moving to China in two month. That's not exactly breaking news. I'm slowly thinking about all those little things I'll have to change in my daily life style:
First, I'll have to find a new shovel, and prepare a new "In case of apocalypse" pack.
Then I'll have to figure out which sport to pick to replace Rhythmic Gymnastic. Probably with Thai boxing. or something like that. Anything that implies punching someone.
I'll also need to find a new dance school, so I can keep on practicing ballet.
Yeah, some little adjustments in my dailylife.

Bescherelle

After two years working together, my colleague forgot my name. So he called me Bescherelle.

A significant part of my job is writting articles, checking articles for mistakes and re-reading articles, just in case. I've been known to be the reference in orthograph, and grammar, and vocabulary and general knowledge.

So I suppose the nickname is quite accurate.

Finals are (almost) over!

Oh, right. So for those who don't know it, my exams are almost over. There are only two left: my TOEIC exam (in 10 days) and the oral presentation of my report (in september).
Finals are mostly over. And I have to admit that this year I didn't even try to study.
And... I'm not really angsty about the results. I won't be head of the year, but I'll pass quite easily.
I don't really understand what some of my classmates meant when they said "I started studying last week!" What exactly did you study? We are in a sandwish course! You already know everything we were taught in class since you're supposed to use it in your job every day! (+ Seriously, it's so basic, all our classes sound like "how to think 101" or "Customer relationship for Dummies")
Ok, I must admit, I'm a terrible person. I good at understanding things the first time, and gather information very quickly before an exam. Like, starting to re-read the course one or two hours before the exam is usually enough. That's unfair. Call it quick and dirty.

That's me and Geopolitics last year. The day before the exam, I went out to buy stuff so I could dye my hair blue, then meet up with the Lady-Nerds-Sisterhood  to book a week-end in london (booking 5days before leaving. No stress), then we went to the Premiere of "The Fault in our Stars" and then me and PM headed back to my place where she helped me dye my hair and re-read the course, for an exam first thing the next morning.

I aced the exam. Top of the year in this field.

 Yup. (I can learn more than a hundred chinese caracters in one hour. (doesn't mean I'll remember them the week after, let's be honnest))
So... this year, I have to admit, I didn't even try! I studied for my Moocs, for my foreign language classes. But Marketing? Nope.

Hit

Hit the track,
Hit the book,
Hit the floor.

I run,
I read
I dance

This is a neverending cycle.

Work in progress

Sewing a 1780's dress, a black 1890's skirt, a med-fan dress, a 1890's walking dress and a 1780's hunting dress, dying a little summer dress,
Knitting a large scarf, a woolen mattress, gloves,
Sewing three cushions and a plush octopus,
Working on my german, my spanish, on my italian, on my chinese,
Studying psychology of popularity, maybe starting social psychology

I guess I could try and work on my feet, on my hands, play violin more often, work on my writing, my book, my journals.

I look at the calendar and watch the days going by without having a grip on them.
I go out, meet some friends, some very dear to me, some I barely know.
I read and work and breath and walk.
Somethings's off.
I couldn't say what. A numbness inside me, cold and damp, talking in a low voice, whispering into my ears, dark words for my heart.
The blanket is warm, when all the rest feels cold. Sleeping but not resting.
Feeding my brain but never feeling challenged. Bored with everything. Where did all the light go? The excitement? The Wonder?
Everything tastes like ashes. Everything is dead and grey. All is quiet. A hollow shell, a moving body eaten from the inside.

And yet.
One step at a time, life goes on. I go on, working, studying, sewing, knitting. So many little things. Keep calm and carry on.
The weight is crushing me, but it doesn't mean I have to crumble. Sometimes the best victory one can hope for is just that: to stay alive, to make it to the next day. To keep moving. Just one more day. Another morning, another evening. One day at a time. Not letting go.
I can walk in the shadows, I know the place. I don't need light. I just go on. one foot after the other. Keeping faith. No sword, no war cries, no great lightnings. Just the muffled sound of my feet on the dust.
There's no glory to gain in this battle, there's no gold, no medal. No great deeds.
The daily battle, discrete and quiet, that never ends and never attract attention.

Studying late at night

I have this bad habbit of doing my homework at the last possible moment. Usually sunday night. And when I say "night", I don't mean "evening", I really mean NIGHT.
I got home yesterday after 1:30 am. I took off my shoes, drank a good litre of water and started my homework on my computer.
I love to work at night. The house is silent, as if I was the last person on earth. At night, time is suspended. it's a peaceful pause between two days. There is no one to distract me. The world is mine and I am in peace.
I can keep on working for hours without all the troubles I get during the day. The voices are calmer, the shadows purrs somewhere in a corner of my mind and my brain is working at its best. Connections that get drowned in the noise during the day are now clear and obvious.
When at last, all is done, I go to bed, more or less exhausted but happy I got everything done.

Pic Nic Steampunk

 I love seeing so many people and dear friends!

Today was the annual steampunk pic nic in the Parc de Vincennes, near Paris.
To me it was sort of a special date since last year's edition was my first steampunk even ever. Last year I met many people and some are now very dear to me.
I was happy to see so many people. It tired me a lot, but it was definitly worth it! (lots of people, noise, the heat and the sun, I felt exhausted, but I definitly had a good time)
We had a sunny and terribly hot sunday, which was perfect for a pic nic under the trees. We played cards, drank a bit, even had a little boating. a perfect afternoon, spent entirely having fun with friends.
I had the opportunity to talk with new people, having great conversations about anything and everything.

For the occasion, I used a costume I already wore several times, because I knew it was comfy and I wouldn't die of the heat. Last year I came as some king of a medical examiner (1900's style) and this year I went for the 1900's explorer.
I love creating costumes and getting to invent a story behind them. What kind of person would wear this outfit, what would they do of their life?

I hope I'll be able to attend similar events before flying to China!

Sun in an empty room - Edward Hopper

Sun in an empty room,
a warm and soft touch on the skin.
The emptiness and the loneliness are driven away.
Sleeping, curled up in the golden light
Feeling safe and comfortable and understood.
The soft sound of a conversation, that lasts for hours.
The world, made and unmade with words, thousands of time.
The smile of a shared thought
The laughter of unfinished sentences
The natural understanding that doesn't need words.

Signs as quotes

ARIES : "She's the girl with a fairytale face but her mouth screams like a wolf's"

TAURUS : "Her eyes weren't as beautiful as the stars, her eyes were as beautiful as her heart"

GEMINI : "I feel like I'm living in this constant state of too much and not enough, like the days are passing by too fast and too slow and I'm always either overwhelmed or empty"

CANCER : "You have galaxies inside your head, stop letting people tell you you cannot shine"

LEO : "She needed a hero so that's what she became"

VIRGO : "Maybe she was unreadable because she didn't want to be read"

LIBRA : "I'm almost never serious, and I'm always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted. I'm like a collection of paradoxes"

SCORPIO : "You wake every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery"

SAGITTARIUS : "Before I am your daughter, your sister, your aunt, niece or cousin, I am my own person and I will not set fire to myself to keep you warm"

CAPRICORN : "But you see there is a graveyard in my mouth, filled with words that have died on my lips"

AQUARIUS : "Maybe she isn't your sun but she's your moon, appearing in your darkest nights, never too soon"

PISCES : "Her eyes are pure stars, and her fingers, if they touch you, freeze you to the bone"

The end of an Era

I've been trying to write something but I'm not satisfied with anything.
I wanted to share this weird feeling I have about quitting Rhythmic Gymnastics.
I had my last show yesterday, and there was this bittersweet taste to it.
I love this sport. It taught me so much.
I started when I was 5, started competing when I was 11, took a 4 year break when I was 16, went back at 20, changed club at 21 and kept on dancing 'till yesterday.
I started dancing 19 years ago.
I was never very good. I was to inattentive to really work out. but I had fun. I worked enough to get in shape. And growing up I became more competitive and really enjoyed what I did.
I love dancing. moving, having a deep conscience of your body, being concentrated your feet, your hands, the precise moves to make your hoop turn high above your head. It washes everything away. No more voices, no more anxieties, problems. The rest of the world could crumble, without you even seeing it. There's only the music, the apparate, that pirouette you have to do, the way you point your feet without having to think about it and yet, you still say it in your head.
During one song, the world disappear and there's only dance.
I love thiswave of adrenalin just before the begining of the music. When all eyes are on you. You take one very deep breath and roll your shoulders, and it feels like your shedding a skin that had become to tight.
everything outside the floor and the judges table is in the shadow. The sounds are distorded, you hear the public, and yet it feels distant.
You breath out and raise your head, and the only thing in your head is "I'm gonna rock it"
And then the music starts and there is nothing and everything at the same time. You feel every fiber of your body. You look at the judges, making eye contact. You're fierce and you fear nothing.
The air in your lungs has a different taste when you dance. You forget about all the things that were bithering you only seconds before. there is only the counts in your head, when to throw, when to jump, and the incredible feeling of being invincible.
And the music stops, the wave retrieve and there's only you in the middle of the floor. The magic is broken. You stand up, salute and leave the floor, feeling excited and happy, and stress out, you don't really know what you did in there. Was that really you?
And now it has come to an end.
I'm leaving the country and with it I'm leavings bits and scraps of my old life, and one among them is that. I'm leaving my hoop, my leotard, and lots of memories with it.
I won't stop dancing, I'll keep on practicing ballet, but still, it's not the same and I sure as hell will miss it. All the mixed-up feelings, the soreness after the practice, the pride, the peace.
I will miss it.