On commitment

I asked.
We are going to become official.
Not a wed couple but the closest thing.
I asked.
To me this is a big thing.
We both are children of divorces. We have seen what marriage looks like when it crumbles down.
And to make it even better I have a record of breaking engagements.
Commitment isn't my strong suit.
And yet.
And yet.
And yet I asked.
I asked because I want to go abroad.
I want to go on an adventure.

I was discussing this with a friends a couple of weeks ago and she casually reminded me that if I wanted H to come with me, I had to pay attention to the dates and we'd need to get our status updated.
That was the pebble in the pond.
I started thinking.
Do I want H to come with me?
I like being my own captain, go wherever I want, not have to take anyone into account.
But he makes me feel safe. I might not go as far with him, but would I really go at all if I was alone or would I just keep postponing? I feel safer with him. I wouldn't be alone so the leap of faith doesn't seem as scary.
I am strong but he makes me stronger.
I can stand on my own, but it's easier to do it when he is by my side.
I want us to share this.

So I asked.
I sat there, staring at him and asking myself whether this was the right thing.
Is it true this time?
Do I really want this?
And he said yes.
And I felt so relieved.
This was like a weight off my chest. Had I been worried all this time?
I am so wary of toxic relations, so scared of being manipulated, gaslighted.
So afraid to commit myself to anything.
but he said yes and I felt so relieved.
Had I been afraid that he might say no?
Had I been afraid of it being the wrong timing?
Had I been afraid of not being the right person?
He said yes and laughed to see me so flustered. He laughed and smiled and said of course.
He said he was going to ask me soon. I am glad I did it though.

We ate and discussed plans. Realistic ones and fantasy ones.
We ate and we walked home.
We took the long way despite my high heels, because he knows I like walking the quiet streets at night.
We took the long way despite the cold because it was nice to be out.
We laughed as we got home.
And all was well.