What happened to us?

I wonder why I am so hard to live with.
When did we stop being best friends and when did we settle for this mockery of a couple. When did we lose each other?
I constantly miss my best friend, miss that person with whom I shared so much. I miss the closeness and the easiness of what we had.
I hate myself for not loving who you have become, for not laughing at your jokes, for not liking your song references, for glaring at you when you make remarks I don't like, for being so thin skinned.
I hate that I feel alone when you are by my side. I hate that I feel empty and cold even when you plant kisses on my forehead.
I miss you. Or I miss what we had, I don't know.
Did I dream those blessed days? did I romanticise it all?

I never wanted to sell you false dreams and fake happiness.
I don't know who this person that you are dating is. I sometimes don't recognize myself. Bitter and distant.

I long for something but I don't know how to get it anymore.

We don't have anything in common anymore. Though I sometimes wonder if we ever did.
There are things I wish we could have shared, but I took too long to start and you went on by yourself and I felt betrayed.
There were things I wanted to do with you, but live got in the way. Family, friends, work, everything.
I can't sit still and you are fine not moving for the entire day.

I want to talk about books with you. I want to talk about movies or TV shows with you. I want to talk about art and history and I want to craft with you. I want to go watch the stars and I want to have impromptu outings to the museum. I want to be surprised and excited, but you want calm and rest.
What is there for us to build together? It scares me.