Casual January thought

It is raining cats and dogs outside and I feel it fitting my mood quite well. I can hear the wind howl in the chimney and the rain drum on the window. In less than an hour I shall close the door and get to the station. It will be cold and wet and it both scares me and conforts me.

There is this feeling, clawing at my guts. I ran out of pills to sleep last night and so I'll have to make sure I get a new box before taking the train.
I had nightmares despite the pills. It's been the case for some days. I guess I should blame stress for that. Stress and the creepling anxiety that is steadily clawing its way through my guts. 

There's a hole inside me and it is pulling me. tearing me appart. I lie and hug myself tight, trying to close the void. To fill it.

I am in a skin tight suit that is too small for me, itchy and uncomfortable and I cannot but try to wriggle my way out of it but the more I try, the tigher it gets.

I can't breath.

Cold and numb.

I remember the anger I felt when I understood that those feelings would never entirely go away. It didn't matter how long the good days lasted, I would ultimately, always relapse into a dark cycle. There was no escaping it.

The cocktail in your brain is like that. There is no helping.

I could only live with it. Not bannish it, not vanquish it. Just live with it. Making rules to avoid the worse of the consequences. Learn to function despite it all.

I guess that's where pride comes in handy. I refuse to be wasted away because my brain says so.

I refuse to bow to my demons. I Will not break.

And it works. I am functionning. I hurt all over but I am still here. I have a job, a flat and a sweet monster. I'm known to be kind, patient and always smilling. The way I singsong good morning everyday makes the woman at the desk laugh and she says she likes seeing people always in a good mood.

I am not in a good mood. I am hunting demons. My demons. I corner them and slice their throats and I come out of the fight bloody but victorious. 

I go through good days and through bad days. And during the darkest hours, when the pain is overwhelming and when ideas from a past I hoped long forgotten come back to haunt me, I wonder if I'll manage to always win in the end. 

I ache. It hurts. It's the same song as ever. I feel like drowning.

I guess There is no helping with that.