About my finals.

My French Finals are over.
Such a relief.
Those last weeks have been quite hard on my mood, since my brain seemed to be unable to focus on anything. I haven't read really, I haven't written anything worth mentioning and most of all, I haven't been able to study. not even the slightest.
I already explained how paralysing that attention disorder can be, so I won't bore you with this again.
So I was stuck before the exams, seeing the catastrophe coming without being able to do anything about it.
Thank to Lea who gave me a fifteen minutes crash course before each exams, it didn't go even half as badly as I thought it would.
Which was an unexpected and greatly appreciated surprise.
I didn't hand a single blanc copy. I managed to write and organise ideas. It was hard and I now feel as if my brain has liquefied in my skull, but I'm happy I made it though. It was excruciating but very satisfying. I work well under pressure.

Me during my finals

So now I wait for my Chinese exams.
After forcing my brain to focus, hours in rows, it feels even worst than before. Before the French finals I wanted to work but couldn't, now I don't even want it. I feel that I don't have any cognitive force left.
I should be practising my Chinese, re-reading my texts and vocabulary but I don't seem able to do anything for more that ten minutes and the idea of picking up one of my Chinese manual makes me want to put a bullet through my skull.
That's bad. But nothing to be worried about. It will get better at some point.
I guess.

I don't care anymore

In between, I try to at least push my brain in the right direction. I can't focus on anything, let's use that to get my brain on as many project as possible. Thinking about clothes I want to create, things I want to make, things I have to do when I'll be at my parent's. The holidays are so close at hands. I've been waiting for them so long I can't believe they are finally here!
Ten days in Thailand then a month in France. I can't wait.

Do you miss me?

By Chiara Bautista

The story of the Attractive woman

PM, my so awesome and gorgeous best friend posted this on Facebook.

It talks to me on so many levels!

Apparently it also talks to most of the girls PM knows on Facebook. Which is a bit sad since none of them is actually un-attractive. Like, seriously, those girls are all either cutties of literally smocking hot.
And yet, apparently they all find themselves unattractive and when told the contrary, they doubt about the real intention of whoever made the compliment.
So what is it that pushes us all to feel so unattractive? What makes us think that there is no way someone could actually honestly think that we are attractive?
Well, as it happens, I am in that case.
I happen to be loved and complimented on a regular basis by someone I know loves me deeply and actually finds me attractive (I still don't know what is wrong with you, but never mind, it makes me happy) and yet, I can completely relate on this post.

I don't feel attractive. I don't feel sexy or sensual or anything of that sort.

I guess I'm pretty. It took me years to accept that and I still have a tendency to deny it and to doubt myself, but I made it, today is a good day and I think I am pretty.

But sexy? Attractive? Aha, no, I don't think so.

I've been having this discussion with my Twin quite often. We can't seem to find a decent definition of "being attractive", being "sexy". Is it the same thing? I'm not even sure.
All I know is that I'm not qualified for it.
And apparently no girl on Facebook (at least in my circles) does. None actually thinks she is attractive.

I think that's because none of us can actually relate to the image we've been given of the Attractive woman.

The attractive woman is tall, slim, with nice figures and a toned body. She is strong and confident. She has gorgeous hair and perfect skin, no matter its colour. She is effortlessly beautiful and carries an aura of confidence. She is both fatal and naïve, and never vulgar.
She inspires desire and admiration, without being limited at only being an object.

On the other side, here we are, us girls. looking at this ideal and then looking at ourselves. How can we relate on such an image of perfection.

In the mirror, here we are, with our not so perfect skin, our figures that are never the good ones, with our aura of "I should sleep more" and "Still wearing comfy pyjamas".
We consider ourselves to be girls. Not women.
We look at ourselves and at the idea we have of what it is to be a woman, and it doesn't click. We don't eat healthy, we don't do yoga, we don't have the perfect job and the perfect house and the effortless sense of style.
We are just us. Trying to do the things we love and to be ourselves. Trying to feel good in our own body and to be happy. We are trying to built our lives and to make the best of it.
And that doesn't really lead us to look like this idea we have of the Attractive woman. We are just us. We are struggling and we are doing our best. Sometimes we even make it: we feel good, and happy and confident in who we are and what we want to be and pretty, or even beautiful. But that doesn't add with this idea of "being attractive".

We don't feel attractive because if we tried to be attractive, it would be fake. Attractiveness is genuine and natural. We feel that should we try or work for it, it will be ridiculous, laughable. It will be too much. It will be fake and vulgar.

And more insidiously, if we try to be attractive, there is still the small voice of an entire society based on slut shaming that will murmur "you are calling for the wrong sort of attention".
Because trying to be sexy makes you a slut. And apparently, according to the good thinking society, its a terrible thing to be. A slut.

So we doubt. How could we, simple girls, be attractive? we don't have what it takes.

And with that comes the reactions. "but of course you are attractive!".
But no matter how often we are told, we don't feel it. we don't feel we deserve to be called such a thing that is to us, perfect and unreachable.
So we doubt and people will then point out that "girls are never happy with their bodies".
That's it.

Either we don't try to be and thus don't feel that we are cut in the right fabric to be "attractive". Because we are just ourselves.

So we don't believe it when people actually try to convince us we actually are, how could be believe it? We aren't perfect and we feel like frauds when people try to tell us otherwise and we end up labelled as "having issues"

But on the other side, if we work for it, if we try to inspire desire and to be sexy, we just feel like frauds and society tells us that this is not what a proper woman would do.

There is no way out of it.

So yeah, despite being told that I am attractive, by someone I know believes it, I don't feel it. I am just me. I look bad on pictures, I laugh too loudly, I am not delicate, I don't have the curvy silhouette and the aura of confidence and that Je-ne-sais-quoi that makes woman attractive. Hell, I'm not even a woman!

And I guess it says a lot about the issues we will carry until we finally break the idea that trying to be sexy is inappropriate and fake. Until we break the idea that the girl who is indeed looking for attention and to inspire desire is doing something wrong.
I guess it says a lot about how much girls will never feel like attractive women until we break the idea that there is a good and a bad way to be confident and that being confident about inspiring desire is dirty and makes a woman unworthy or less respectable.


One more year.

So what should I say about 2015? The year has definitely be full of surprises. It started in Austria and ended in China. I've been to England and France, I've met an awesome load of new friends whom I learnt to appreciate and to love. I've seen friendships grow and shared incredible moments with them. I learnt to let go and to be myself. I learnt to be persistent and not to let go.
I got my first Master Degree with distinction. I left my first job, knowing what I want to do and having a clearer idea of who I want to be. I grew as a person, as an independent and strong woman.
I fell in Love and learnt that sometimes one has to let go and just enjoy life.
I read many books and wrote one of my own.
I had nightmares and learnt how to live with my personal demons.
It's been a hard year. But an important one. One where I got to fly far away to be who I want to be. I faced problems and hardship and I made the best I could out of it.
I cannot say what 2016 will be made of, but it starts in a nightclub with lots of vodka, loud music and cool girls. It will be a year of troubles and dreams and projects, of art and of successes. Maybe of failure too, but that's how we learn.
Tonight is the first night of a new year. May it be a new year for us all.
May we succeed, may we love, may  we be more open minded, rich and loved.
Happy New Year Everyone.

A la force des bras.

"Of course it's hard.
It's supposed to be hard.
If it was easy, everyone would do it.
Hard is what makes it great."

And merry Christmas to you.

So, let's be clear about it.
I don't have any days off for Christmas or for the new year.
I actually worked on December 24, 25 and will work on January 1.

But we sort of had a small Christmas at the flat none the less.
The girls were nice enough to wait for me to come back from work so we could have diner together and open our presents and eat the foie gras and drink some white wine my dad had sent us from France.
I got a new owl mug, a nice notebook from the girls and another notebook and the complete volume one of Death Vigil (PM, you're just too perfect)

I also look forward to a late Christmas with the Crazies, back in France.
So Merry Christmas to yall.

"The empty space where I wish you were"

By Chiara Bautista

Moving out. Moving in. Not necessarily in this order.

It's a story about how LEAAA, Baby Panda and Granny Beli decided to move out of their flat.

So, last week, our landlady announced us that in fact she had forgotten to tell us about some obscure fees we were supposed to pay and raised our monthly rent from 4000Yuan to 4300.
As those who talk with me on a regular basis know, we having some troubles with the said flat. 3 bedrooms, two bathrooms and an gigantic living room.
For someone who lives in France, the rent seems ridiculously cheap, but it's actually quite expensive for China. Not unreasonable but still.
When Lea sign the renting contract in September it felt perfect. Brand new, close to the university, nice bedrooms and a big living room to stay together, no neighbours, and cool in the summer.
Months passed and we slowly realised that it was not such a nice place after a while. We had no neighbours because the residence is still in construction, and our flat was one of the first to be finished so we actually lived in the middle of a construction site. and being waken up by a drill in the flat next door is quite unpleasant, and it grows nerves wrecking when you have to live with it on a daily basis.
Another problem, was that if the flat was cool in summer it was also damn cold in winder. There was no heater except in our bedrooms. and since we had no neighbours, we couldn't really count on that to get a warmer flat. The summer in Wuhan is one of the most intense in China, it lasts from May to early October. But from October to late march, it's crazily cold here. We got to a point where we only lived in our bedrooms because it was impossible to stay in the living room. (I'm not kidding. My hands were turning blue and I couldn't write.)

So when our landlady asked for more money, Lea started to swear in Russian and decided we were to move out of this place.
I literally did not care about it. As long as I have somewhere to put my stuff and some Wi-Fi, it's not hard to convince me, As long as no one asked me to take care of it, I was in. Carine agreed and the two of them started to look at flats in the internet.
The next day they visited 3 flats, chose one that matched our criterions (cheap, close to university, at least two bedrooms and WARM) and made an appointment on the next day for me to visit it. I visited it and agreed with the girls. It's not a palace but it would do. We are actually closer to my university, I have a bedroom and it's definitely warmer here than in our former flat.
We agreed with the agent to sign the papers on Monday.
We met with our soon to be former landlady to tell here we were leaving and asked to be refunded for the 2 months of rent we had paid in advance. She agreed (she's keeping the deposit anyway) and we agreed on giving the keys back on Wednesday.

Here comes Monday and I sign for my first flat. (We put my name in the contract because I will be staying here longer than the girls.) And we started to move our stuff in our new flat.
We were not even moving a kilometre away from our flat so we decided not to rent a truck to move our stuff.
I didn't move all of my stuff, because, very obviously there was no heater on my bedroom. (the flat is warmer because our downstairs neighbours heat their place) So I stayed one more night in our former flat.
So on Tuesday, after my classes, I went out with Lea to by a heater for my bedroom and then I moved the rest of the stuff we had left in the former flat while the girls went on an epic quest to find the right internet company to get the Wi-Fi installed.
After 7 go and back from a flat to the other, 7 huge suitcase weighting between 15 and 25 kilos, and approximately 18 bags, I moved all of my stuff and the common possessions of the flat.
And here I am in MY new flat.

The technician came the next morning to install the Wi-Fi and we were finally home.
But it couldn't have been so easy, so our landlady decided to break her word and not to give us back our money back because she wouldn't be able to rent the flat before several months since we are between two semesters. We had a couple of friends to look at our contract and basically we told her that it was not our problem and that she had the deposit and her eyes to cry. (My Chinese might not be good but I'm a tough negotiator and I was in no mood to let a small and angry little Chinese woman dictate me how things were going to go.) So we got our money back and went home in our new flat.

I can't believe the whole story only took five days. It was messy and we more than one wished we could punch some faces but hey, at the end it was pretty efficient.
That's quite a good sum up of China I guess. "It's messy." But if you have the nerves to fight and argue and to kick a couple of asses once in a while you get the shit done pretty quickly.

Three women with three woolves

 

Three Women with Three Wolves, Eugene Grasset 1900

Finals are coming

As most of you know, I am working on too many things at the same time. How surprising, right?
And it's this time of the year when I suddenly realise that the finals are in fact pretty close and that If I want to study it would be about time to do it.
I usually don't.

Usually I rely on the fact that despite not listening in class and mostly not studying, I am able to hear the course and to remember it and understand it without much of an effort. That's very probably what I am going to do for the Chinese finals. Since I am going to class every day, I hear Chinese, I read the texts, write the new vocabulary, and even if I'm far from being a model student, my brain picks up most of the necessary information.

But my French degree is completely different. I don't have classes, I don't have a teacher I can vaguely listen to. No, I just have my books. And to me, that's a real Challenge.
That's the first time I have to study that way. When I used to take extra classes or distance courses, I always had someone to read the material with me and discuss it with me. At this time, I used to live with people far more brilliant than me and they did all they could to make sure I got the best out of education. They read material to me when I could not focus enough to read it myself, they'd literally do the class if I needed, and I'll be forever grateful for that.
But I don't have this anymore. Now I live on the other side of the world, like an adult. and I have to act like one and force myself to study. Because I might have a good brain, but if I don't give it anything to process, it won't be able to produce anything.

So, Right now, I should really start to study. I have a year worth of material to read and I... haven't started yet

Yup, so much homework.

Yeah, I know... My finals are in three weeks and I feel helpless to face the coming catastrophe.
My ability to focus has been on a roller coaster for weeks (okay, months) and I seem unable to do anything to make it any better. I just watch the days as they go, thinking "I should really be studying right now."
But no matter how seriously I try, I can't.

 

And that brings me to another subject (me failing my finals aren't exactly my favourite topic): The ability to focus.

I've been talking about it quite a lot and yet I still get some remarks like "but can't you just read the materials and try to takes a few notes, you know, just an hour a day. it's not that hard."
And that Ladies and Gentlemen gives me murderous ideas.
 

 

As it happens, No, I just cannot do that, no matter how hard I try. Sitting at my desk, no computer on, no music to distract me, phone on silent mode on the bed, and yet, I can't read. The letters, the words make no sense. No matter how many times my eyes pass over them, they don't register, they don't mean anything. It's like reading a language I don't speak. The simple action of reading no matter what I am trying to read takes me minutes, hours. On a really bad day, reading texts on my phone becomes difficult, let alone typing an answer.
My brains works just too fast, the thought pass so fast, jumping to the next one even before finishing the first one. the world feels like it's moving in slow motion and I don't register anything of it anymore.
Nothing catches my attention for more than an instant.
I can't watch a movie or an episode without needing to make several pauses and do something else. I can't listen to music because my brain tries to register the lyrics while I can't hear them and any known rhythm bores me to death. I have trouble keeping ideas for more than minutes, finishing a task is excruciating.
People who don't know me well might overlook the impact such a situation has on me.
It hurts.
A lot.
On those days the only thing I feel I can do is lay in my bed, hug my dinosaurs and sleep. unfortunately sleep isn't really an option for me. So I just lay on my bed, restless, hoping I'll find the strength to do something. hoping something will catch my attention, hoping it will get better. My head buzz with activity and I feel like I don't work on the same level as the world.
It's painful and crippling.
I live ten thousand kilometres away from my loved ones. Our communications are all written. And on those bad days, I can only follow conversations that go as fast as my attention dwindle. Short text messages with people who can follow my train of thought.
Luckily enough, those really bad days are rare, and I just have trouble focusing on reading and writing. I can still function pretty normally. But it severely impairs my ability to study.
And fore someone who values time and knowledge as much as I do, It's extremely frustrating.

I don't really have a conclusion to this article. I'm sort of surprised I managed to write it. It took me the evening, but I wrote it.
This is what it means when I say I have a low attention span and an attention disorder.
It doesn't help me with my finals, but at least it might give you some clues on what I am going through when I tell you that "it's a bad day", "I'm bored" or "I can't focus on anything".
It's not for fun, I'm not looking for excuses. I'm being serious. And sometimes just sometimes, it's also a way to call for help.