Finals are coming

As most of you know, I am working on too many things at the same time. How surprising, right?
And it's this time of the year when I suddenly realise that the finals are in fact pretty close and that If I want to study it would be about time to do it.
I usually don't.

Usually I rely on the fact that despite not listening in class and mostly not studying, I am able to hear the course and to remember it and understand it without much of an effort. That's very probably what I am going to do for the Chinese finals. Since I am going to class every day, I hear Chinese, I read the texts, write the new vocabulary, and even if I'm far from being a model student, my brain picks up most of the necessary information.

But my French degree is completely different. I don't have classes, I don't have a teacher I can vaguely listen to. No, I just have my books. And to me, that's a real Challenge.
That's the first time I have to study that way. When I used to take extra classes or distance courses, I always had someone to read the material with me and discuss it with me. At this time, I used to live with people far more brilliant than me and they did all they could to make sure I got the best out of education. They read material to me when I could not focus enough to read it myself, they'd literally do the class if I needed, and I'll be forever grateful for that.
But I don't have this anymore. Now I live on the other side of the world, like an adult. and I have to act like one and force myself to study. Because I might have a good brain, but if I don't give it anything to process, it won't be able to produce anything.

So, Right now, I should really start to study. I have a year worth of material to read and I... haven't started yet

Yup, so much homework.

Yeah, I know... My finals are in three weeks and I feel helpless to face the coming catastrophe.
My ability to focus has been on a roller coaster for weeks (okay, months) and I seem unable to do anything to make it any better. I just watch the days as they go, thinking "I should really be studying right now."
But no matter how seriously I try, I can't.

 

And that brings me to another subject (me failing my finals aren't exactly my favourite topic): The ability to focus.

I've been talking about it quite a lot and yet I still get some remarks like "but can't you just read the materials and try to takes a few notes, you know, just an hour a day. it's not that hard."
And that Ladies and Gentlemen gives me murderous ideas.
 

 

As it happens, No, I just cannot do that, no matter how hard I try. Sitting at my desk, no computer on, no music to distract me, phone on silent mode on the bed, and yet, I can't read. The letters, the words make no sense. No matter how many times my eyes pass over them, they don't register, they don't mean anything. It's like reading a language I don't speak. The simple action of reading no matter what I am trying to read takes me minutes, hours. On a really bad day, reading texts on my phone becomes difficult, let alone typing an answer.
My brains works just too fast, the thought pass so fast, jumping to the next one even before finishing the first one. the world feels like it's moving in slow motion and I don't register anything of it anymore.
Nothing catches my attention for more than an instant.
I can't watch a movie or an episode without needing to make several pauses and do something else. I can't listen to music because my brain tries to register the lyrics while I can't hear them and any known rhythm bores me to death. I have trouble keeping ideas for more than minutes, finishing a task is excruciating.
People who don't know me well might overlook the impact such a situation has on me.
It hurts.
A lot.
On those days the only thing I feel I can do is lay in my bed, hug my dinosaurs and sleep. unfortunately sleep isn't really an option for me. So I just lay on my bed, restless, hoping I'll find the strength to do something. hoping something will catch my attention, hoping it will get better. My head buzz with activity and I feel like I don't work on the same level as the world.
It's painful and crippling.
I live ten thousand kilometres away from my loved ones. Our communications are all written. And on those bad days, I can only follow conversations that go as fast as my attention dwindle. Short text messages with people who can follow my train of thought.
Luckily enough, those really bad days are rare, and I just have trouble focusing on reading and writing. I can still function pretty normally. But it severely impairs my ability to study.
And fore someone who values time and knowledge as much as I do, It's extremely frustrating.

I don't really have a conclusion to this article. I'm sort of surprised I managed to write it. It took me the evening, but I wrote it.
This is what it means when I say I have a low attention span and an attention disorder.
It doesn't help me with my finals, but at least it might give you some clues on what I am going through when I tell you that "it's a bad day", "I'm bored" or "I can't focus on anything".
It's not for fun, I'm not looking for excuses. I'm being serious. And sometimes just sometimes, it's also a way to call for help.