When is it too much?
"People like you don't bend"
When is it okay to stop?
When is it honourable to stop?
"People like you, they just break"
Live everything and try everything.
If not me, then who?
"They go further than anyone"
I refuse to give up.
To be one of the grey silhouettes
"Until one day"
I don't want to be anyone.
I don't want to be plain.
"One day, out of nowhere,"
Work, study, create, exercise, love,
Do. For this is what people notice.
"They just crumble to dust
The spark is gone
There is no more air to be breathed,
No more fire in their blood
They just stop. They fall"

I am tired.
And it gets scary.

Stuck in a book

I fell in a crack in a book. I read it in an afternoon.
It had been a long time since I last fell so deep in a book. I forgot about time and I realised it only when my evil twin came home.
I finishe the book and ran to the bookshp to get the next one.

I can't focus on the world around me, still jalf stuck in this world made of word. I feel grey and slightly sticky, cramped. I feel like I was hit by a car, by a gigantic wave or slap that left me stuned.
My mood is sad and happy and exited and full of nostalgia. And at the same time, I feel numb.

My new job

I love my new job.
I haven't got used to kids calling me Mrs, using my name. It's all weird. But I love my job. At the end of the day, my legs and back hurt, my voice is coarse and I am exhausted. But I love my job. It's far away and I have to get up super early every morning. But I love my job.
I love seeing those kids raise their hands to participate in class. I love how they are excited about the things they are learning, the eagerness with which they add whatever knowledge they already had. I love the way they get more confident. They don't even realise it. They just slowly start to build up new skills.
I started the year feeling like a fraud. Without experience, without being sure of what I was supposed to do, afraid I'd do something wrong, afraid I'd fail, afraid they would pay for my lack of previous experience.
Now all these fears are slowly soothed and I get more confident.
I am still a bit angsty with the older kids. Afraid that what I'd give them is too hard or too easy, that a previous teacher would have taught them differently.
But they too, bring me a special kind of joy. The way they are getting together during our weekly debates, the way they start to develop their opinion, the start to link facts together to build arguments. The way they use what we did before to talk about a new topic.
I love my job.

Be amazed

Every morning, I take the tram to go to work. I take it so early that the sun is rising when we get out of the tunels.
I've always enjoyed it. Watching the sun rise. Feelling the first rays of light on my face. Looking at all the colours in the sky, on the clouds. It feels like a privilege. I often close my book to admire it. I feel joy and peace and a subtle pride. I saw the sun rise again.
I did that with my previous job. I could see the sun rise on Paris. Some people pay a exorbitant price to have a flat with such a view. The golden glow of the first lights on the sea of small roofs. The bright reflection on so many windows as we drove through the parisian suburb.
There aren't many people to take a moment to enjoy such the sight. Mostly they are absorbed in their thoughts and innerworld
I was also told that for an adult it was surprising to be so amazed by simething so trivial, or that sometimes people might look up, but since the take the same route every day, it loses its beauty. But to me it never did. Every morning is different. The clouds, the sky, the wind, the way the light plays in the branches of a tree.
I am forever a kid who is amazed by the little miracles of life.

Dancing again.

I started taking ballet classes again! The Rhythmic Gymnastics Club I used to go to is just too far from home now, so I decided to switch to ballet completely. I missed dancing. Gymnastics has been a major element in my life. But after leaving the club for a year, I had trouble imagining myself going back to the same team and atmosphere. So instead ballet. I am currently taking two classes a week. It feels a bit too light, but I have a lot on my plate this year so Hadrien suggested that maybe I shouldn't cram too many things in my time table. And I followed his advice. Maybe I'll take more classes if I graduate from my master degree.
It feels good to sweat a bit, to dance. It helps being more aware and more conscious of my body.
Practicing a sport also helps forcing me to be organised and to manage my time-table efficiently. Less lazing around on the coach and more actual "getting things done".
I am a bit self conscious but I guess it will get better with time and practice.
So here I am, back to my super busy life. I love it.

The classes are nice. The teacher is an unapologetic hippy with sort of a new methode to teach ballet in a more efficient way. It sounds very new age but actually works so I am not going to complain. No more bare. That's quite a change.
Soon I'll be all fit and gracious!

Fresh Start

I have been wishing to write this article for a while now, but I literally couldn’t. I had some quite  busy months, and it feels great. A bit tiring, but I love it.
I came back to France three months ago with a super long to do list mostly about enjoying my summer and preparing for my new life in France.

When I left for China, I intended to stay there for 3 to 5 years, during which I would finish my studies and find a job. It was a good plan.
But like every good plan, it went south after the first step.
After years cramming three lives in one (studies, a full time job, and doing gymnastics, and ballet, and keeping a social life, writing and more), I found myself struggling with depression again. I just didn’t know how to function without constant stress. My life had until then only been fuelled with a mix of stress, fear, pride and willpower and without constant activity, I felt lost and wasted.
I had to study, sure, and I had a small job, but there wasn’t stress to keep me going. I went to classes, went to work, but while I finally had time to work on projects I had had to put aside, I found myself having no motivation for them at all.

It took months before I found my balance again. Before I managed to understand how to live and not just survive. How to enjoy every day. To find a source of motivation that wasn’t stress.

All in all, China was an extraordinary experience. I learnt a lot. Mostly about myself. I learnt that I need my friends and peers. That I am not as independent as I wish I were. If I don’t surround myself with people who make me feel like I belong somewhere, I have a hard time facing the world. I need people to share what is going on in my head. The stories, the ideas, the questions. I need challenge.
Without it, I just get lost in my inner world.
I also realised that my side projects must remain side projects for me to enjoy them fully. I need my creative activities to be moment of escape from reality; otherwise fear of failure turns it sour: nothing I do is good enough to be “a job” and I become incapable of producing anything as good as when I do it for myself.

I found a job I like and that actually suits me: Teaching. Sharing what I know.
It feels great. I feel  useful.
Okay, I also still feel like a fraud but I don’t think this will ever go away.

So coming back to France really feels like a fresh start. China was supposed to be my big fresh start, but in fact, it has been the break I needed in order to find a new balance. I didn’t just need space and a start over, but some time to learn about myself. Who I am and how to live.
France. The place I left thinking I wouldn’t comeback. The irony is palpable. I like it.

So here I am, starting again.
Sweet Monster and I are moving in together, learning to cohabitate, and I am looking for a job, which I will hopefully find. I have projects and side projects. I have my friends to cha

When I got a tan in Normandy

I was in Normandy for a couple of days, visiting my grandparents in their summer house. I hoped we could go sail with H but the weather made it impossible (no wind, no sailing).
So instead, we enjoyed the garden and walked along the beach. It's been crazy sunny these last days. I even manage to pan/ roast a bit! Me! with a (very) light brown and healthy glow! it's been years since it happened!
I made some shopping, having some crafty projects waiting. I feel in a creative mood these days.

Normandy

Welcome to Ilvermorny

Ilvermorny, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
As a noticeable Potterhead, I was immensely happy to get to know more about a new school of witchcraft and wizardry. My lovely Best Friend rushed me into getting sorted and that was one of the most unfortunate things I could have agreed with. Long story short: I do not pass tests if I don't have data on it before. I hate it with a passion.
So, I finally had time to read a bit more about Ilvermorny's History and its four houses.
Ilvermorny is the American equivalent of Hogwarts, in which I am a proud Slytherin. I am determined into achieving what I set myself to. Which seemed to be confirmed by my resume, time table and general curriculum.
But Ilvermorny houses are slightly different and are not based on the same criterias.

when not rushed and actually reading the questions and pondering about my answers, I had the opportunity to reflect on what it represents for us to be sorted in such a group. To me, my house must represent the trait I strive the most for, what I deem to be the more important and the sort of person I desire to become.
I am curious and stubborn. I have been trying for years to extend my knowledge on as many fields as possible, for knowledge is power and I wish to leave a print behind. To do something that will matter and be worth remembering.
Not fame, but to accomplish something. Achievement more than publicity.
And apparently while I am a Slytherin in Hogwarts for that thirst for achievement, the cunning and determination, I was sorted as a Horned Serpent in Ilvermorny, for my thirst for knowledge and curiosity.

A sorting of which I am happy for it goes well with my pride as a Slytherin. It highlights a side of my personality that I hold dear and that wasn't put forward at Hogwarts.

Useful Symbols

Source : Neil Gaiman's Tumblr