Social Animal

I do not consider myself to have many friends. I have a hard time trusting people and social interactions tend to easily exhaust me. Add the fact that I barely check Facebook anymore (Thank God, Partner does, otherwise I would probably miss a bunch of events) and that should be a perfect recipe for an empty social life, but apparently, people don't mind it that much.

Last spring, my friend Vin asked me to be one of her bride's maids. Among all the friends she has, some that we share, she picked me. I was incredibly touch because though I do consider as a dear friend, I did not think she considered me as a close friend.

I have had a habit of disappearing from friends'groups after a while. Because I wasn't invested in whatever we had in common, or because of break ups, I usually lost friends every two to four years. I lost most of my university friends after I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, I lost people I used to Larp with when I left a toxic relationship. etc. Sometimes it still hurts, but I thought I was just not that good at keeping friends, at keeping in touch.

But some people stuck along the way and I met new people. People that I do not share with my partner, with whom I try to be nice and to show attention. Send post card, show emotional involvement.

And recently, it struck me. I have friends.Not just people I meet at events, but friends that actively seek my presence and that I actively try to see.
Have diner with the Steam-girls in a cool restaurant.
Go see that girl who is not my girlfriend to have a quiet knitting evening, drinking tea and talking traumas.
Texting my best friends to plan trips to different exhibitions.
Messaging my best travel companions to go on a trip.

It seems incredible to me. I don't know how to explain it, but I am genuinely amazed to have friends. Not that I don't believe I deserve to have friends or any kind of self depreciation, but I was never good at making strong bonds with people. Or when I did, it was rarely healthy.
And I only just realised that I do not need strong bonds to have friends. I just needed to find people who still noticed me even if after a while, I just sit somewhere to read or to knit quietly. I just needed to find people who don't care that I don't go out often or late and who will still invite me.

It might sound naive or even downright stupid, but understanding social relationships and how it build them is not given to anyone from the start. Some of us never had the opportunity to develop the skills to interact with people and create bonds with them.
My expectations of friendship was all kind of wrong and it took me time and efforts to understand that. It took time to meet people who didn't care that I was distant and who were willing to walk the extra mile to get to know me.
We may not be very close, but we are probably closer that I realise. They might not stay forever, but I am beginning to think that they will stay longer than I expected.
Thanks guys.