All the things I did not tell you

Sometimes I hurt.
It is irrational.
Sometimes I hurt and it make me angry, because I have nothing to show for the pain. It is just there. My chest in caving in and my insides are hollow, but nothing shows.
Sometimes, I feel weak and I grit my teeth and try my best not to show it. Not to whine. Not to complain. It seems like the only thing to do.
So I don't understand when you don't.
I don't understand, when you just accept things. being sick, hurting, being tired.
I don't understand that you'd let it show.
I guess I internalised all too well that boys don't cry and that girls are weak.
I knew where I stood. which is exactly nowhere.
admitting limitations was just admitting being weak and that was never something I could afford to consider. I don't really know why.
You say I have weird rules. It might be true, but those rules allowed me to get where I am.
We can't be sick at the same time, because if you are sick it means that I must take care of you.
If I am sick, it means that I am so far gone that I become useless.
If I am sick, it means that I failed and I can't pretend anymore.
If I am sick, I can't take care of you.
But if you are sick, I must. that's how things should be.
So I resented you.
I resented you because no matter how empty and broken I was, I could rest.
I resented that you had the luxury to be sick but I didn't. I resented that you are okay with that. That You think my rules are weird and useless. That you didn't understand what was going on.
We will never talk about it. Because there is no way we'll find the words. Because it would mean screaming and yelling and emptying that rage that always boils inside me. Because that would meant fighting.
I hate myself for being weak and I don't know what to do with this pain. This hatred.
I hate you for not understanding that and feeling the same. I suppose that last one is more jealousy than hatred.
And inside, slowly, one brick at a time, the wall rises.