Sealed lips

"You need to learn to be humbler."
"You sound very condescending sometimes."
"Is that really what you thought?"

I tried to do it right.
I tried to be good.
I tried to be better.
It seemed that I failed.

"Good morning" I always said with that singsong voice.
Smiling and easy-going.

Apologize first, even if you don't understand what you did wrong.
It doesn't matter.
If you hurt someone, you apologize.
That's what you do.

I thought I could be proud and uncompromising,
I didn't think being whole would be so wrong.
I messed it up, didn't I?

They said I should keep quiet in front of the grown ups.
I had thought I could talk now,
I was wrong, wasn't I?

I don't know how to talk
I don't know how to speak
I don't know how...

I keep going from sadness to anger.
From the shame for not fitting in
to the pain of a bruised pride.

Why should I apologize for speaking up?
why am I not allowed to point out at people's mistakes?

I rock like a boat on the ocean, caught in the storm.
I am lost and there is no lighthouse.