New beginnings

I just came back from my scout camp.
One week sleeping under a tent, building fires to cook, taking care of kids. And as always I come back drained, exhausted, and a bit off.
I've felt all grey since my friend and co-leader left.

This was quite a great experience, as most camps are, but this one had a special taste. This was my last one as titular leader. Starting next year, I decided to be only a additional leader, the one you call when you don't have enough leaders for a specific event.
Taking care of kids at work and during the weekend has left me exhausted all year long, and I think it might have a negative impact on my patience with both my students and the kids.
As such, this camp had a sort of bitter-sweet atmosphere.
I don't think I'll ever be able to really cut all ties with the scouts, as the whole movement played a huge role in building who I am today, but I feel that I need to move on.

I joined the scouts twenty years ago. I stopped twice for a year after becoming a leader. I took part to sixteen camps. I made friends I'd have never known if it wasn't for those Sunday afternoons running in the woods. Some will be my friends for ever or so I wish, some I lost track of long ago, but all of them had a small impact on me.

I never took the leader's oath. Never felt worthy of it. but I wear on my uniform the medals of my oaths as a guide, as a pioneer and as a companion.
I became a leader because it seemed obvious for me to be one. I had joined the movement so long ago that it seemed the right thing to do. Each step of the pedagogy lasts three years, except the last one, which lasts two, but can be followed by a third year of service. that's what I did. after enjoying the movement and it's opportunities for twelve years, it seemed only fair to give some of that time back.

almost ten years later, I feel that maybe along the way, I repaid my debt. I gave back a bit of what I got. I shared a bit of the wisdom I acquired along the way, but taking the oath seemed wrong. I didn't have enough time to give to the movement to be worthy of the oath. It wasn't my priority, so how could I claim to take such an engagement if I wasn't ready to give it everything?

I gave it all I could. All I was ready to give. Whatever time, whatever energy I felt I could give, I gave. And today, looking at my uniform, I wonder whether it really is the end, whether I didn't make a mistake, whether walking away from this is the right thing to do.