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mardi 31 décembre 2019

A delayed answer to an important question

Photo by Ksenia Chernaya from Pexels


"J'ai quelques difficultés à reconnaître à J.K.Rowling le pouvoir d'arbitrer les goûts, après avoir écrit des livres pour enfants."

It is the study of the stories that move us that allows us to reflect on who we are as people and as a society.
No matter how trivial the story, studying it gives us insight on ourselves as human beings.
Dissecting children's books helps us understand what we taught children, what those children took away from those teachings, what they needed, what they dreamt of, and maybe, just maybe it helps us understand their experiences, traumas and hopes.
Studying Media, any media, gives us the opportunity to empathize with others and to understand their needs and aspirations.
I am not saying that everything has the same value. I am saying that everything HAS value.
Why do people enjoy following the lives of the Kardashians? Well, that's an excellent question! Why?
Do they need to forget about the triviality of their own lives? Do they want to experience, by proxy, how it feels to be rich? Do they want to focus on somebody else's superficial problems rather than contemplate the meaning of their own life? Or the lack of meaning, and therefore cripplingly terrifying vacuity of their existence?
Do they feel disconnected from other media? If so why? Do they feel unworthy of other kinds of media? If so, why? Do they reject other media? If so why?

Studying media is always interesting.
Every book started as "just a book" and it is only what people read in the book and took away from it that made it into a classics or doomed it to oblivion.
Refusing to acknowledge the value of a media on the premise that it is too recent or too easily accessible is just the manifestation of the fear to be outdated. [source]
Once again. I am not saying that all media have the same value. I am saying that all media HAVE value, and subsequently that this value should not be lightly dismissed.
I am saying that STUDYING media, no matter its value, is important and has something to teach us.

Why is everyone making such a fuss about Harry Potter?
Because it is the closest thing its readers had of a universal experience.
A whole generation of children grew up reading those books.
This series, no matter how superficially or how deeply, influenced its readers. It influenced what traits the children reading it, associated with heroism, it influenced who those children looked up to, it influenced what values those children came to cherish, it influenced their perception of the world.
And the fact that they are Children books is crucially important because it influenced their readers at the moment where they shape who they are and who they want to be.
It doesn't matter that they were not "big books", or "smart books" or even "good books". What matters is that they echoed with their readers. They moved the readers.
Maybe they didn't do much: maybe they just provided a nice story to spend the afternoon on.
or maybe they did a little more: maybe they provided a nice break when reality was tough.
or maybe they did even more: They gave children who felt excluded or lonely something to feel like they belonged. They gave the children something to talk about and to share.
or maybe they gave children a taste for more. More than just reality. A taste for reading. It's important, right?
or maybe they offered food for thoughts for the children who felt a little lost.
or maybe they offered role models to children who didn't know who they wanted to become.

Those are mediocre! It's just stories for children.
The stories we tell children today are the stories that will shape tomorrow's society. That's the point of education. That's the power of education.

What do people find in those books?
They found something. A little something or a big something. Not the same something for everyone.
And this is what matters.
Not the quality of the writing,
Not the "literary value"(whatever that is).
But that it brought SOMETHING to the readers.

I know it did.
It was a story that allowed children to dream and play and imagine things.
It told children that being a good student is GOOD, even though it is difficult.
It told girls that they were allowed to be heroines alongside boys. It told girls that they were allowed to shine. Allowed to be loud and bright and not always ladylike and not always nice or kind.
It taught children about poverty. That children are not responsible for the poverty they grow up in. That poverty shapes the people who grow up poor, that nobody should ever use poverty as a lever for shame.
It taught children that small acts of kindness or of bravery matter.
It taught children that no, adults are not always right. That adults can't always be relied on. That adults can't always be trusted.

It taught me, personally, the me that you know, that you talk to, that you sat across from, that there was more to life than what I was going through.
It taught me, that family can be toxic and that it is not okay.
It made me want to be smart, to know everything, to learn everything, to try everything.
You think I am smart and interesting? Thank Hermione for that.
It made me forget about the world when life was so fucking hard I wanted to end it. And Oh Boy I wanted to end it.
It gave me words for the pain and the ache of losing someone I loved.
It gave me role models.
It still does.
Today, as a grown up, as an adult, as a woman, it gives me role models. As a teacher I want to be like Remus Lupin. I want to captivate my students, help them learn and make it an enjoyable experience. I want my students to remember my classes fondly. My teachers did not provide that for me. School was hell. Remus Lupin provided that for me.
I want to be like Minerva McGonagall. I want to inspire respect because I am strict but fair. Because I want the best not just of my students but for my students.
Those books matter because they told me that being rejected by my family for who I am and what I am would not be the end of me.
It helped because my dad was violent. It helped me because I grew up in a loving but utterly dysfunctional family.
It helped me when I came out as a lesbian. Which I am. Even today. It helped me hold my ground when my father, the man who had carried me on his shoulders, the man who had made me dive in the sea, the man who loves roller-coasters as much as I do but who has a drinking problem, who had a severe anger problem, the man who slapped me countless times, the man who had broken both my wrists once because I had lost a glove, the man whom I love but grew up terrified of, yelled at me. Yelled obscenities. Yelled that no, Me, his daughter would not be a lesbian. That he hadn't done anything wrong. That he would not allow that.
Me, 16 years old, 1,72m and 38kilos, I stood my ground.
I had grown up reading about children who saved the world, who were afraid but did what they had to nonetheless.

Studying Harry Potter then, later, as an adult, allowed me to become more aware of all this, more aware of how those books had impacted, me and everybody else, though differently.
It allowed me to question my perception of motherhood and to evaluate what expectations I had of being an adult woman, because it allowed me time and an opportunity to ask myself: " Is Harry Potter a feminist series" and to look for arguments.
It allowed me to understand why my generation seems to be so wary of politicians and so distrustful of the government and politics. We did grow up learning that adults could not be trusted and that it's not because an institution says something that we shouldn't question it.
We didn't learn it from 1984, because though it is a classic, it is also absolutely boring and not accessible to young children. We learnt it with Harry Potter, with His Dark Material, with Divergent, with the Hunger Games.
The millenials, no matter how flowed generational separations are, grew up at a moment where children's literature was all about questioning power and fighting oppression.
And don't get me started about the next generation. They've been fed with more diversity in the media they had access to, than anyone before, so much so that today, they teach me about which direction society could take.

Saying that a book is not worthy of the attention people give it or of being studied
Is willfully deciding not to empathize with other human beings.
It is deciding that their experience is not worth understanding.
It is saying that they, their lives and existences are not worthy of being acknowledged.
This got Trump elected.
This is the conscious alienation of a population on the basis that "they are not worth it."
This is cold.
This is sad.
And somehow, this is wrong.
Refusing to empathize with others? To understand them?
I cannot, for the life of me, accept that.
Understanding brings knowledge and peace.
That's what I grew up to believe.
And I grew up to believe that because of all the things that shaped me. Harry Potter is one of them.

I could be richer.
I could have a brilliant career in Marketing, make tons of money.
I know I can: I am good at it. It's easy.
But I grew up to be someone for whom money and ease were not as valuable as the impact I have on other people's lives.
I want to make a difference.
And this comes, at least in part,  from reading Harry Potter and later studying it.
And I am not the only one.

dimanche 8 décembre 2019

The storm within

There is a storm within me.
Howling and clawing in my empty chest.
My hands shake and I have to breathe deep so my voice doesn't tremble.
My lungs are tight, constrained.
I am short breathed.
I must stay grounded, not let myself be drowned.
I remind myself to be kind and patient because I know those are the first things the storm devours.
I must remind myself that I am still alive.
Sometimes I forget.

vendredi 15 novembre 2019

On Teaching English

Teaching, in my humble opinion, is the most wonderful job there is. I say that as a teacher who started her professional life working in digital marketing, convinced that Me, going back to middle school? Over my dead body!
School, when I was a child, had been hell on earth. It had felt stifling and overwhelming.
But in the end, when I looked for another job, I started wondering what I could possibly do with my life, and somehow, teaching became an option.
Teaching means transmitting a set of skills to other people. It implies being able to look at the person who wants to learn, understand their need, their wishes, where they come from and what they want to go and to then to find a way to share with them the skills they need.
It is an incredibly gratifying job. My students’ progress and achievements are my pride and my joy. Teaching taught me to appreciate the genuine happiness of participating to someone else’s dreams.
Languages are the physical representation of how a culture perceives the world around it so teaching a foreign language is giving people access to a wider world. It is giving people the opportunity to experience the world in a slightly different way, to build bridges and connections with new people. It is also a tool to discover a new take on history, what happened somewhere else and how shared events can be perceived very differently.
Teaching English as a foreign language has its own peculiarities. It is a language spoken in so many places and by so many people that it can sometimes, from a very western point of view, feel like a universal language. But it isn’t. It conveys, through its vocabulary, its grammar, its cultural references, a specific way to look at the world, and it is important to keep this in mind in order to be as honest as possible with one’s students. English must be taught in its context, with all the widely different cultures that use English as their first language, with its history and this represents a massive challenge in today’s teaching.

English is a specific language in its composition: A Germanic language with hints of Scandinavian words, as well as some loans from Latin languages such as French.
This makes it a rather accessible language for European languages natives. This accessibility is made even stronger by the amount of content available 24/7 thanks to the internet. People all around the world can access music, videos, articles, movies, on every topic imaginable in English. Which makes English a uniquely interesting language. It is today considered as a requirement to find a job, but it is also made incredibly easy to access to anyone who would be interesting.
All in all, English has taken such a central place in the world that it is easy to forget that learning it is not obvious for everyone and teaching English as a foreign language is both challenging and gratifying.

lundi 11 novembre 2019

I am offended

I am offended.
I am angry.
Shaking voice and clenched fists.

I deserve better. We deserve better.
I witnessed the birth of a monster, despite my best efforts to prevent it.
And it makes me angry. It frustrates me.
It scares me.

What must we do for people to accept that their ways need some serious change.
What will it take for men not to turn into monsters?

I survived. I walk with my head up because no one can get me down.
I wear my scars like banners,

But yesterday, I did for someone what I hadn't done for myself.
I faced a monster and tried to educate it.
Out of a sense of duty. So that when he rapes someone I will know I did my best.

I am offended because he feels righteous.

I may not be a good person at heart. But I fucking try my best.
Fake it until you make it.

But he wouldn't even do that.

This is unfair, this is scary, this is revolting.

samedi 2 novembre 2019

It feels good.

An open flanel shirt
A black t-shirt
A pair of mini shorts.
Music in my ears and stories in my head.

dimanche 22 septembre 2019

Touch-starved?

Call me cheesy,
But when was the last time we had something like this?
When was the last time we held hands? When was the last time we shared something genuine.

I'm sure you wonder the same.
I'm sure you're as scared as I am.
I'm sure you're just as touch-starved as I am.

I miss the ease the devil twins had.
The closeness.
The like-mindedness.

I don't think I'll slow down.
Just carve my path and shine.
Bright. A harsh light, a shooting star maybe.
But I'll carve my name up high.
I wish you'd accompany me.
But I am starting to doubt that you could.
To doubt that you'd want to.
I'm starting to think that this is not something you want to put yourself through.
Not the kind of path you want for yourself.
I don't blame you.



I am touch-starved and cold.
I ache but I'm still breathing.
I'll be okay.
Chin up, smile on.

I just need to stop wishing for what I don't have.
Forget about it all.

[GIF: Eva (Josephine McAdam) and Jasper (Alexander Ward) - L. A. BY NIGHT]

jeudi 19 septembre 2019

Restless or Reckless?

Back to work, back to sports, back home.
I threw myself in the maelstorm of my life with all I have.
I barely feel at home anywhere anymore. I guess it's a good thing that I'll be moving abroad in two years.
It feels so far away, but then I already survived something similar didn't I?
The classes are interesting and they are a massive challenge. Plus the extra work load can't be such a bad thing. At least it keeps me busy. Keeps me from thinking too much, for questionning too much.
Since I haven't registered at university, I intend to sign up on some classes to compensate. I still have so much to learn. So much I want to study.
Dance started again. I'll be trying out at a new Krav Maga club. And maybe see if I can join the local Volleyball club. Should be out 3 evenings a week. Hopefully 4. Going to the gym too maybe.
Going out and seeing friends too.
At the picnic in July people mentioned that it had been a while since they had last seen me. which was true. I mostly disappear during the school year. I don't mind it much but I should invest more time in people.
I guess I'll book my friday evenings and my weekends to socialize.

mardi 17 septembre 2019

Cycles

"ah, young people today, they don't..."
I hate this sentence. 
I've heard it used to talk about me, about my students.
I see people look down at their youth and dismiss them.
In 0.2 sec my colleague said: "I have to teach all this programming stuff I know nothing about. I need a formation." and "oh the programmes have been slashed and cut down! It's awful! The kids don't learn anything anymore!"
Because they learn other skills you humanoid turkey!
They learn to use tools that /they/ will need. And dismissing those on the premise that they are new, and that you lived perfectly well is a testimony of your own mediocrity!
Your inability to accept that the world changes, has always been changing scares me because it prevents you from connecting with your students and to offer them the respect and support they need to grow up into interesting and happy people. 

samedi 10 août 2019

It's not very nice to say that.

"you'll see, it will happen to you too at some point. You're doing too much. You're gonna break too."

Oh Darling you don't know.
I look at you, at your scars, at your pain and at how you broke. How you couldn't stand and how it was just too much for you. How much life was too much.
I understand and it's okay. I see you.
But Oh Darling you have no idea.
I will not break like you did. Out of pride, out of spite, out of fury. I refuse. I look at the lethargy that plagues you and I know. I shall not break.
You sigh and shake your head. You think I am naive.
I think we don't play in the same league.
You think I don't understand the risk.
I think you misjudged me.
Oh Darling you couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I know the pain. It is inbedded in my bones, in all the small injuries that I dismiss. I know the tiredness and the exhaustion. I know how it feels to drown, how it feels when your heart is so compressed, when each beat hurts.
Oh Darling I know all that.
And you know what. I. Shall. Not. Break.
Ask me if I'm afraid of the dark.
Ask me if I am afraid of failure.
And then watch me walk at night. Watch me throw myself in the adventure.
I have a fire inside. An all devouring furnace.
And it will not be put out.

We had that talk at a restaurant and I looked at their faces. The dark circles under their eyes, the slight shame they can't erase no matter how much they need to.
I sat there, listening and I felt sorry for them. For how hard they tried to look tough. Why does everyone try to look stronge? I watched them explain to each other how hard it had been. The depression, the anxiety, the nervous break down, the burn out.
And I sat silently, reading with half my brain a book I had grabbed on the table before leaving. Not even mine. I understand the need for sharing, for feeling less lonely.
And His friend was so sure that I was the next one on the chopping block. I just bearly avoided telling her that it does not do well to judge everyone by one's own standard. No, it's not because you broke that I shall break too. I like her. I do. But there is a difference between us.
One that cannot be ignored. I am passionate.
I have a thirst for glory and fame and success. I have a craving for greatness.
I refuse to break.

mercredi 22 mai 2019

I am invincible.

If I breath, I am okay.
That's what I keep telling myself. If I am still breathing then I am okay.
My body can hurt. My brain can get fuzzy. I'm breathing. It's okay.

I went dancing on monday and it hurt but I was proud.
Loren said that if I indeed was in pain, then it did show. That made me happy.
I went dancing on tuesday and it hurt, but I was proud.
Theo said I must be a little crazy to do that. he said it with some kind of awe. That made me happy.

I wake up early and do the dishes.
I go to work.
I smile and encourage. I want the kids to feel safe. I keep my face warm. I am warm and nice. Caring and supportive.
I keep my voice in check. Speaking loudly, but not shouting. Shouting is for people who can't inspire respect. I keep my back straight and my body language says that I can't fall.
I smile to my colleagues, show interest and compassion. Listen to their stories and take notes. Filling it all away. I am nice and unassuming.
I come home and make sure to keep my stuff on my side. Not to invade the common space. Taking care that my hobbies aren't an inconvenience. I keep track of the cleaning of the flat.
I keep my voice leveled, my words measured. To each their own. we can't all want the same thing from life.
I don't care if we skip meals. I can live with that. I wonder if I care that we don't talk.
I long for a best friend.

I am invincible. Nothing can get me.