Touch-starved?

Call me cheesy,
But when was the last time we had something like this?
When was the last time we held hands? When was the last time we shared something genuine.

I'm sure you wonder the same.
I'm sure you're as scared as I am.
I'm sure you're just as touch-starved as I am.

I miss the ease the devil twins had.
The closeness.
The like-mindedness.

I don't think I'll slow down.
Just carve my path and shine.
Bright. A harsh light, a shooting star maybe.
But I'll carve my name up high.
I wish you'd accompany me.
But I am starting to doubt that you could.
To doubt that you'd want to.
I'm starting to think that this is not something you want to put yourself through.
Not the kind of path you want for yourself.
I don't blame you.



I am touch-starved and cold.
I ache but I'm still breathing.
I'll be okay.
Chin up, smile on.

I just need to stop wishing for what I don't have.
Forget about it all.

[GIF: Eva (Josephine McAdam) and Jasper (Alexander Ward) - L. A. BY NIGHT]

Restless or Reckless?

Back to work, back to sports, back home.
I threw myself in the maelstorm of my life with all I have.
I barely feel at home anywhere anymore. I guess it's a good thing that I'll be moving abroad in two years.
It feels so far away, but then I already survived something similar didn't I?
The classes are interesting and they are a massive challenge. Plus the extra work load can't be such a bad thing. At least it keeps me busy. Keeps me from thinking too much, for questionning too much.
Since I haven't registered at university, I intend to sign up on some classes to compensate. I still have so much to learn. So much I want to study.
Dance started again. I'll be trying out at a new Krav Maga club. And maybe see if I can join the local Volleyball club. Should be out 3 evenings a week. Hopefully 4. Going to the gym too maybe.
Going out and seeing friends too.
At the picnic in July people mentioned that it had been a while since they had last seen me. which was true. I mostly disappear during the school year. I don't mind it much but I should invest more time in people.
I guess I'll book my friday evenings and my weekends to socialize.

Cycles

"ah, young people today, they don't..."

I hate this sentence. 

I've heard it used to talk about me, about my students.
I see people look down at their youth and dismiss them.
In 0.2 sec my colleague said: "I have to teach all this programming stuff I know nothing about. I need a formation." and "oh the programmes have been slashed and cut down! It's awful! The kids don't learn anything anymore!"
Because they learn other skills you humanoid turkey!
They learn to use tools that /they/ will need. And dismissing those on the premise that they are new, and that you lived perfectly well is a testimony of your own mediocrity!
Your inability to accept that the world changes, has always been changing scares me because it prevents you from connecting with your students and to offer them the respect and support they need to grow up into interesting and happy people. 

It's not very nice to say that.

"you'll see, it will happen to you too at some point. You're doing too much. You're gonna break too."

Oh Darling you don't know.
I look at you, at your scars, at your pain and at how you broke. How you couldn't stand and how it was just too much for you. How much life was too much.
I understand and it's okay. I see you.
But Oh Darling you have no idea.
I will not break like you did. Out of pride, out of spite, out of fury. I refuse. I look at the lethargy that plagues you and I know. I shall not break.
You sigh and shake your head. You think I am naive.
I think we don't play in the same league.
You think I don't understand the risk.
I think you misjudged me.
Oh Darling you couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I know the pain. It is inbedded in my bones, in all the small injuries that I dismiss. I know the tiredness and the exhaustion. I know how it feels to drown, how it feels when your heart is so compressed, when each beat hurts.
Oh Darling I know all that.
And you know what. I. Shall. Not. Break.
Ask me if I'm afraid of the dark.
Ask me if I am afraid of failure.
And then watch me walk at night. Watch me throw myself in the adventure.
I have a fire inside. An all devouring furnace.
And it will not be put out.

We had that talk at a restaurant and I looked at their faces. The dark circles under their eyes, the slight shame they can't erase no matter how much they need to.
I sat there, listening and I felt sorry for them. For how hard they tried to look tough. Why does everyone try to look stronge? I watched them explain to each other how hard it had been. The depression, the anxiety, the nervous break down, the burn out.
And I sat silently, reading with half my brain a book I had grabbed on the table before leaving. Not even mine. I understand the need for sharing, for feeling less lonely.
And His friend was so sure that I was the next one on the chopping block. I just bearly avoided telling her that it does not do well to judge everyone by one's own standard. No, it's not because you broke that I shall break too. I like her. I do. But there is a difference between us.
One that cannot be ignored. I am passionate.
I have a thirst for glory and fame and success. I have a craving for greatness.
I refuse to break.

I am invincible.

If I breath, I am okay.
That's what I keep telling myself. If I am still breathing then I am okay.
My body can hurt. My brain can get fuzzy. I'm breathing. It's okay.

I went dancing on monday and it hurt but I was proud.
Loren said that if I indeed was in pain, then it did show. That made me happy.
I went dancing on tuesday and it hurt, but I was proud.
Theo said I must be a little crazy to do that. he said it with some kind of awe. That made me happy.

I wake up early and do the dishes.
I go to work.
I smile and encourage. I want the kids to feel safe. I keep my face warm. I am warm and nice. Caring and supportive.
I keep my voice in check. Speaking loudly, but not shouting. Shouting is for people who can't inspire respect. I keep my back straight and my body language says that I can't fall.

I smile to my colleagues, show interest and compassion. Listen to their stories and take notes. Filling it all away. I am nice and unassuming.
I come home and make sure to keep my stuff on my side. Not to invade the common space. Taking care that my hobbies aren't an inconvenience. I keep track of the cleaning of the flat.
I keep my voice leveled, my words measured. To each their own. we can't all want the same thing from life.
I don't care if we skip meals. I can live with that. I wonder if I care that we don't talk.
I long for a best friend.

I am invincible. Nothing can get me.

Keep going

I ran 15 km.
More than I had ever run in my life. I didn't much train for it. I'm still waiting to know my official time but it might be decent. Nothing extraordinary, but decent still.
It was hard. somewhere between the second and the third kilometre, I wondered if I was going to make it. Not make it to the finish line, that I knew I would, but run all the way. Somewhere before the fourth kilometre, I started bargaining with myself: "hold on 'till the fourth kilometre and then maybe I'll walk" and once I passed the flag I just kept going "okay, make it to the fifth kilometre so that at least you'll have run a third of the way." and Then I just kept going. I saw some people slow down and walk but I kept going. "To the sixth km and then maybe I'll walk" and the path rose and fell, was concrete or cobbled stone. The track formed two loops so I saw the eleventh flag before the sixth. I told myself "I'll come back here." And one foot after the other I kept going. "Make it to the seventh".
There was that woman who half ran half walked, I wave at her and told her to run with me. Just keep running with me. She was in for the 10km race. Then we passed the eighth kilometre and I said "Keep going. Let's make it to the tenth." I saw the thirteenth km flag and told myself "I'll make it here again". Somewhere before the ninth kilometre she fell behind and I kept running. I went on. I passed the ninth flag and told myself that I could make it to the tenth. I was behing last year's chrono but I hadn't stopped running so that was that. I kept running. I saw the tenth kilometer and kept going. I knew where the eleventh flag was. I told myself I could do it and I ran some more. There was that girl who started walking. when I reached her I tapped on her shoulder and motioned to her to keep running. "Come on" I said with a smile. She smiled back and started running again. She was running faster than I was so I let her go. I passed the eleventh flag and I remembered the thirteenth. I told myself to make it at least to the twelfth. I saw the girl start walking again. when I got to her, I tapped her shoulder and just smiled. She started running again. She outran me quicky. And from the twelfth I ran to the thirteenth. Then I thought "fuck it, I'm not giving up now".
So I ran.
And I crossed the finish line.
Later the girl I had encouraged came and said thanks. I didn't have much to tell her. if she kept running, then so should I. She smiled and left. I was happy for her.

The day went on.
Now I hurt everywhere. My joints creak, my sinew hurt. My muscles are sore and I know tomorrow will be painful.
But I made it.
And thinking back about it, I find that this illustrates me rather well. I just keep running from one goal to the next. I keep going. No excuse, no giving up. Let's make it to the next thing. and then to the next. Sometimes my path crosses someone else's and I think if they can do it, so should I, and I grit my teeth and I do.
It hurts, sure. But I am still breathing, so I am fine.
At the end of the day, I can look back and say "I made it, I won" and head on to the next thing.

Take my hand.

I want to be courted.
I want to fall in love again.
I want a story, an adventure.
I want to feel the Earth sway under my feet.
Maybe I've read too much,
Maybe I have too high expectations.
I want challenges and bravery and surprises.
I want to feel my heart beat hard in my chest.
I want butterflies down in my belly,
Electricity running from the sole of my feet to the tips of my fingers.
I want the rush of adrenaline,
My ribcage caving in from the pressure,
I want my breath to be taken away
I want to be taken away.
Let's kill dragons together,
Climb mount Everest,
Ride horses through empty plains,
Jump of a cliff into the ocean,
Go out and look at the stars
Wake up to watch the sunrise.

What makes you proud

I've been consuming a lot of content recently. It had been a while. Getting that passionate about things, getting my whole little universe submerged in something.
I can sound pretty mundane, but for the eco system that lives in my head, this is always a major event. Doesn't happen often. I can be touched by a book or a movie, and like it and be inspired by it, but sometimes it will be different, like a stain glass that would completely change the colours and the perspetive inside me. It will change how I divide my attention between things, how I look at the world around me and it will definitely change what I create.

I haven't created much this year so far. But I have done other things. Going to the gym, trying to see some friends, feeding some good work habits, thinking about different art endeavours that I want to explore.
According to my own standards, this doesn't amount to much and yet, it makes a big difference.
I feel more at peace with what I do. It feels less like a fleeing race and more like an exhilarating race forward.

I realized that I want to build things. I want to create.
I want to see things and experience the world to feed my inner world.
I am proud of the skills I develop and hone and I realize that the only one standing between me and what I want to do, who I want to be, is me.
I guess it took me a while to figure myself out.
It took time. To weave together all the pieces, all the different lives together. To reconcile the fire inside and all the scared tissues, all the experiences, good and bad. The things I want to be when I grow up and the things I thought I ought to be and to do.
I was sold that good virtues make people happier.
It cost me a lot to learn that it doesn't mean that I must sacrifice myself to have value to others.

I was standing by the kitchen window recently, smoking. It doesn't happen much these days. Almost never, to be fair. A vice I thought I would never shed away and yet.
I was standing there, looking at the way the light plays on the city, black, purple and blueish against the golden sky. And it dawned on me that I had turned 28.
I am very fine with that fact. No existencial crisis (I guess, I've been having an existencial crisis for as far as I can remember. I wish it were a pun, but nope). It's just that... I had never actually projected myself so far.
I was there, standing in my own flat, away from the desk on which I had papers to grade, for work.
I was standing there and thought about someone I don't think about very often anymore. I had said I would never forget him and yet, he drifts away.
And I remembered our promise. One made so long ago some of the kids I teach weren't even born yet. That's scary.
I hadn't forgotten about this promise, it was just somewhere in my brain, far away. And there, looking at the sunset I realized that I have actually survived. Against all odds. when we struck that pact I guess none of us actually believed we'd make it. He didn't. But I did.
I survived my family. I even managed to go back to them. We're okay now I think.
I survived school. And actually enjoyed University. So much that I can't even imagine myself not studying something anymore.
I survived the life we had together and everything I did after he left.
I survived pain, and depression and assault.
And there I was, standing, alive.
I. have. survived.
I don't exactly have a plan, but I have a list. I know that there I stuff I want to do and I very much intend on doing as may things as possible with whatever time I have.

On my own

I cannot resent anyone for me not doing anything. I only have myself to blame.
I want to do things but I was reluctant to go out alone, to go on adventures alone.
And I had a pretty definite idea of who should come with me. But I guess that it's a bit unfair. Everyone should be allowed to do whatever they want to do with their free time.
So I am going to be a little more flexible about the company I keep.
Go alone,
Just offer plans and we'll see who comes.
If nobody comes, then I'll go alone.
I am fine with that.
I can rely on myself. I'm resourceful. I don't much like my own company but I guess I can learn to live with myself.

Fair Warning

I always aspired to be strong.
I think I am.
At least I am strong enough.

Don't worry, I'll deal with it.
I can take shoulder my own load.
It won't even show.