It's not very nice to say that.

"you'll see, it will happen to you too at some point. You're doing too much. You're gonna break too."

Oh Darling you don't know.
I look at you, at your scars, at your pain and at how you broke. How you couldn't stand and how it was just too much for you. How much life was too much.
I understand and it's okay. I see you.
But Oh Darling you have no idea.
I will not break like you did. Out of pride, out of spite, out of fury. I refuse. I look at the lethargy that plagues you and I know. I shall not break.
You sigh and shake your head. You think I am naive.
I think we don't play in the same league.
You think I don't understand the risk.
I think you misjudged me.
Oh Darling you couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I know the pain. It is inbedded in my bones, in all the small injuries that I dismiss. I know the tiredness and the exhaustion. I know how it feels to drown, how it feels when your heart is so compressed, when each beat hurts.
Oh Darling I know all that.
And you know what. I. Shall. Not. Break.
Ask me if I'm afraid of the dark.
Ask me if I am afraid of failure.
And then watch me walk at night. Watch me throw myself in the adventure.
I have a fire inside. An all devouring furnace.
And it will not be put out.

We had that talk at a restaurant and I looked at their faces. The dark circles under their eyes, the slight shame they can't erase no matter how much they need to.
I sat there, listening and I felt sorry for them. For how hard they tried to look tough. Why does everyone try to look stronge? I watched them explain to each other how hard it had been. The depression, the anxiety, the nervous break down, the burn out.
And I sat silently, reading with half my brain a book I had grabbed on the table before leaving. Not even mine. I understand the need for sharing, for feeling less lonely.
And His friend was so sure that I was the next one on the chopping block. I just bearly avoided telling her that it does not do well to judge everyone by one's own standard. No, it's not because you broke that I shall break too. I like her. I do. But there is a difference between us.
One that cannot be ignored. I am passionate.
I have a thirst for glory and fame and success. I have a craving for greatness.
I refuse to break.

I am invincible.

If I breath, I am okay.
That's what I keep telling myself. If I am still breathing then I am okay.
My body can hurt. My brain can get fuzzy. I'm breathing. It's okay.

I went dancing on monday and it hurt but I was proud.
Loren said that if I indeed was in pain, then it did show. That made me happy.
I went dancing on tuesday and it hurt, but I was proud.
Theo said I must be a little crazy to do that. he said it with some kind of awe. That made me happy.

I wake up early and do the dishes.
I go to work.
I smile and encourage. I want the kids to feel safe. I keep my face warm. I am warm and nice. Caring and supportive.
I keep my voice in check. Speaking loudly, but not shouting. Shouting is for people who can't inspire respect. I keep my back straight and my body language says that I can't fall.

I smile to my colleagues, show interest and compassion. Listen to their stories and take notes. Filling it all away. I am nice and unassuming.
I come home and make sure to keep my stuff on my side. Not to invade the common space. Taking care that my hobbies aren't an inconvenience. I keep track of the cleaning of the flat.
I keep my voice leveled, my words measured. To each their own. we can't all want the same thing from life.
I don't care if we skip meals. I can live with that. I wonder if I care that we don't talk.
I long for a best friend.

I am invincible. Nothing can get me.

Keep going

I ran 15 km.
More than I had ever run in my life. I didn't much train for it. I'm still waiting to know my official time but it might be decent. Nothing extraordinary, but decent still.
It was hard. somewhere between the second and the third kilometre, I wondered if I was going to make it. Not make it to the finish line, that I knew I would, but run all the way. Somewhere before the fourth kilometre, I started bargaining with myself: "hold on 'till the fourth kilometre and then maybe I'll walk" and once I passed the flag I just kept going "okay, make it to the fifth kilometre so that at least you'll have run a third of the way." and Then I just kept going. I saw some people slow down and walk but I kept going. "To the sixth km and then maybe I'll walk" and the path rose and fell, was concrete or cobbled stone. The track formed two loops so I saw the eleventh flag before the sixth. I told myself "I'll come back here." And one foot after the other I kept going. "Make it to the seventh".
There was that woman who half ran half walked, I wave at her and told her to run with me. Just keep running with me. She was in for the 10km race. Then we passed the eighth kilometre and I said "Keep going. Let's make it to the tenth." I saw the thirteenth km flag and told myself "I'll make it here again". Somewhere before the ninth kilometre she fell behind and I kept running. I went on. I passed the ninth flag and told myself that I could make it to the tenth. I was behing last year's chrono but I hadn't stopped running so that was that. I kept running. I saw the tenth kilometer and kept going. I knew where the eleventh flag was. I told myself I could do it and I ran some more. There was that girl who started walking. when I reached her I tapped on her shoulder and motioned to her to keep running. "Come on" I said with a smile. She smiled back and started running again. She was running faster than I was so I let her go. I passed the eleventh flag and I remembered the thirteenth. I told myself to make it at least to the twelfth. I saw the girl start walking again. when I got to her, I tapped her shoulder and just smiled. She started running again. She outran me quicky. And from the twelfth I ran to the thirteenth. Then I thought "fuck it, I'm not giving up now".
So I ran.
And I crossed the finish line.
Later the girl I had encouraged came and said thanks. I didn't have much to tell her. if she kept running, then so should I. She smiled and left. I was happy for her.

The day went on.
Now I hurt everywhere. My joints creak, my sinew hurt. My muscles are sore and I know tomorrow will be painful.
But I made it.
And thinking back about it, I find that this illustrates me rather well. I just keep running from one goal to the next. I keep going. No excuse, no giving up. Let's make it to the next thing. and then to the next. Sometimes my path crosses someone else's and I think if they can do it, so should I, and I grit my teeth and I do.
It hurts, sure. But I am still breathing, so I am fine.
At the end of the day, I can look back and say "I made it, I won" and head on to the next thing.

Take my hand.

I want to be courted.
I want to fall in love again.
I want a story, an adventure.
I want to feel the Earth sway under my feet.
Maybe I've read too much,
Maybe I have too high expectations.
I want challenges and bravery and surprises.
I want to feel my heart beat hard in my chest.
I want butterflies down in my belly,
Electricity running from the sole of my feet to the tips of my fingers.
I want the rush of adrenaline,
My ribcage caving in from the pressure,
I want my breath to be taken away
I want to be taken away.
Let's kill dragons together,
Climb mount Everest,
Ride horses through empty plains,
Jump of a cliff into the ocean,
Go out and look at the stars
Wake up to watch the sunrise.

What makes you proud

I've been consuming a lot of content recently. It had been a while. Getting that passionate about things, getting my whole little universe submerged in something.
I can sound pretty mundane, but for the eco system that lives in my head, this is always a major event. Doesn't happen often. I can be touched by a book or a movie, and like it and be inspired by it, but sometimes it will be different, like a stain glass that would completely change the colours and the perspetive inside me. It will change how I divide my attention between things, how I look at the world around me and it will definitely change what I create.

I haven't created much this year so far. But I have done other things. Going to the gym, trying to see some friends, feeding some good work habits, thinking about different art endeavours that I want to explore.
According to my own standards, this doesn't amount to much and yet, it makes a big difference.
I feel more at peace with what I do. It feels less like a fleeing race and more like an exhilarating race forward.

I realized that I want to build things. I want to create.
I want to see things and experience the world to feed my inner world.
I am proud of the skills I develop and hone and I realize that the only one standing between me and what I want to do, who I want to be, is me.
I guess it took me a while to figure myself out.
It took time. To weave together all the pieces, all the different lives together. To reconcile the fire inside and all the scared tissues, all the experiences, good and bad. The things I want to be when I grow up and the things I thought I ought to be and to do.
I was sold that good virtues make people happier.
It cost me a lot to learn that it doesn't mean that I must sacrifice myself to have value to others.

I was standing by the kitchen window recently, smoking. It doesn't happen much these days. Almost never, to be fair. A vice I thought I would never shed away and yet.
I was standing there, looking at the way the light plays on the city, black, purple and blueish against the golden sky. And it dawned on me that I had turned 28.
I am very fine with that fact. No existencial crisis (I guess, I've been having an existencial crisis for as far as I can remember. I wish it were a pun, but nope). It's just that... I had never actually projected myself so far.
I was there, standing in my own flat, away from the desk on which I had papers to grade, for work.
I was standing there and thought about someone I don't think about very often anymore. I had said I would never forget him and yet, he drifts away.
And I remembered our promise. One made so long ago some of the kids I teach weren't even born yet. That's scary.
I hadn't forgotten about this promise, it was just somewhere in my brain, far away. And there, looking at the sunset I realized that I have actually survived. Against all odds. when we struck that pact I guess none of us actually believed we'd make it. He didn't. But I did.
I survived my family. I even managed to go back to them. We're okay now I think.
I survived school. And actually enjoyed University. So much that I can't even imagine myself not studying something anymore.
I survived the life we had together and everything I did after he left.
I survived pain, and depression and assault.
And there I was, standing, alive.
I. have. survived.
I don't exactly have a plan, but I have a list. I know that there I stuff I want to do and I very much intend on doing as may things as possible with whatever time I have.

On my own

I cannot resent anyone for me not doing anything. I only have myself to blame.
I want to do things but I was reluctant to go out alone, to go on adventures alone.
And I had a pretty definite idea of who should come with me. But I guess that it's a bit unfair. Everyone should be allowed to do whatever they want to do with their free time.
So I am going to be a little more flexible about the company I keep.
Go alone,
Just offer plans and we'll see who comes.
If nobody comes, then I'll go alone.
I am fine with that.
I can rely on myself. I'm resourceful. I don't much like my own company but I guess I can learn to live with myself.

Fair Warning

I always aspired to be strong.
I think I am.
At least I am strong enough.

Don't worry, I'll deal with it.
I can take shoulder my own load.
It won't even show.

Words that stick

It's no news that I don't really understand how people perceive me. I've known that for a very long time. Friends have told me that at first I seem very distant, haughty or even unpleasant. My former boss told me the same once.
I have the reputation of being scary and harsh.
I am fine with all of this. Being an introvert and rather shy, I am a bit distant with people I don't know.

I lack patience and indulgence, especially when I am tired.
I try not to take it on anyone but apparently not well enough. Or so I understood.

Apparently I scared my friends into submissions during a dnd game.

Was it my general demeanor? Was it just my acting (my character can be an arse with 0 patience)? Was it something else?

The hell if I know.

I played my character. who did get fed up by other characters bullshit. I, the player, was tired and had been annoyed from not be able to say anything.

All I know is that when I came back with a friend at the flat on the next day I got caught into an unexpected lecture of how I should pay more attention to others and how I scared everyone and may or may not have ruined the game.

It was mentioned that being the DM's girlfriend probably had influence, but is it in my benefit or not, I don't know.

I am wondering about what I should do. It's been on my mind since. Some part of me thinks I should apologize to my fellow party members but some other part of me hates this idea. Since I don't understand exactly what I did wrong, I keep replaying the evening in my head, questioning what I did, what I said. Was it in character? Was it fair? Was I being an arse?
We were playing at my place for the third time and As always I had cleaned the place, I had been in charge of making sure the pizzas were put in the oven one after the oven. I was tired and not in the easiest spot to move. So yes, I was probably a tad flippant at times. But to the point of scaring people. actual people? not their characters? I don't understand.

I hate this.

I consider leaving the table but I hate this idea because that would be giving up, while I can't even understand what I did wrong.

My best friends and sister are playing on this table. I just can't fathom not being part of it. being excluded of it. too. again. Shit it still stings.

So there. What should have been a source of fun became a heartache. cool.
I can hear my darkest parts say that if I am not part of it then no one should.
But then I never pretended I was all kindness and support. I just try not act on my darkest thoughts.

I am feeling the wind blow and wonder when I am going to disappear again.

A moment between

I don't know where I am.
I've got ideas and projects, but the moment I sit down to get anything done, my brain just goes black. There's nothing left. The words feel wrong. I don't know where to start.
I want to draw but can't find a model I like for the life of me. I want to knit but I don't want to start any new project before I get those I currently have finished.
So I am in a weird spot. In limbo.
I hope it gets better soon because I hate not being able to focus on anything. I want to throw myself in something. It hurts.

Be your own hero

I signed up at a gym a couple of weeks ago. I've been going two to three times a week since. It feels good.
I don't especially like the place. I feel exposed and a bit uneasy, out of place, even if everybody's super nice. But I keep going back. With my headphones and a cool podcast that makes time fly. I keep running and exercising.

Sport's always been part of my personal therapy, a good way for me to get healthily tired. A healthy way to hurt. To bend that body of mine to my will.

I need that to feel at peace. I need the exhaustion, the sore muscles, the little pains that tell me I am alive. I need to prove to myself what I can do.
I don't think I'll try to really get stronger, but at least to stay fit. To be able to run and to lift whatever I need to. An adventurer needs to be fit.