Fresh Start

I have been wishing to write this article for a while now, but I literally couldn’t. I had some quite  busy months, and it feels great. A bit tiring, but I love it.
I came back to France three months ago with a super long to do list mostly about enjoying my summer and preparing for my new life in France.

When I left for China, I intended to stay there for 3 to 5 years, during which I would finish my studies and find a job. It was a good plan.
But like every good plan, it went south after the first step.
After years cramming three lives in one (studies, a full time job, and doing gymnastics, and ballet, and keeping a social life, writing and more), I found myself struggling with depression again. I just didn’t know how to function without constant stress. My life had until then only been fuelled with a mix of stress, fear, pride and willpower and without constant activity, I felt lost and wasted.
I had to study, sure, and I had a small job, but there wasn’t stress to keep me going. I went to classes, went to work, but while I finally had time to work on projects I had had to put aside, I found myself having no motivation for them at all.

It took months before I found my balance again. Before I managed to understand how to live and not just survive. How to enjoy every day. To find a source of motivation that wasn’t stress.

All in all, China was an extraordinary experience. I learnt a lot. Mostly about myself. I learnt that I need my friends and peers. That I am not as independent as I wish I were. If I don’t surround myself with people who make me feel like I belong somewhere, I have a hard time facing the world. I need people to share what is going on in my head. The stories, the ideas, the questions. I need challenge.
Without it, I just get lost in my inner world.
I also realised that my side projects must remain side projects for me to enjoy them fully. I need my creative activities to be moment of escape from reality; otherwise fear of failure turns it sour: nothing I do is good enough to be “a job” and I become incapable of producing anything as good as when I do it for myself.

I found a job I like and that actually suits me: Teaching. Sharing what I know.
It feels great. I feel  useful.
Okay, I also still feel like a fraud but I don’t think this will ever go away.

So coming back to France really feels like a fresh start. China was supposed to be my big fresh start, but in fact, it has been the break I needed in order to find a new balance. I didn’t just need space and a start over, but some time to learn about myself. Who I am and how to live.
France. The place I left thinking I wouldn’t comeback. The irony is palpable. I like it.

So here I am, starting again.
Sweet Monster and I are moving in together, learning to cohabitate, and I am looking for a job, which I will hopefully find. I have projects and side projects. I have my friends to cha

When I got a tan in Normandy

I was in Normandy for a couple of days, visiting my grandparents in their summer house. I hoped we could go sail with H but the weather made it impossible (no wind, no sailing).
So instead, we enjoyed the garden and walked along the beach. It's been crazy sunny these last days. I even manage to pan/ roast a bit! Me! with a (very) light brown and healthy glow! it's been years since it happened!
I made some shopping, having some crafty projects waiting. I feel in a creative mood these days.

Normandy

Welcome to Ilvermorny

Ilvermorny, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
As a noticeable Potterhead, I was immensely happy to get to know more about a new school of witchcraft and wizardry. My lovely Best Friend rushed me into getting sorted and that was one of the most unfortunate things I could have agreed with. Long story short: I do not pass tests if I don't have data on it before. I hate it with a passion.
So, I finally had time to read a bit more about Ilvermorny's History and its four houses.
Ilvermorny is the American equivalent of Hogwarts, in which I am a proud Slytherin. I am determined into achieving what I set myself to. Which seemed to be confirmed by my resume, time table and general curriculum.
But Ilvermorny houses are slightly different and are not based on the same criterias.

when not rushed and actually reading the questions and pondering about my answers, I had the opportunity to reflect on what it represents for us to be sorted in such a group. To me, my house must represent the trait I strive the most for, what I deem to be the more important and the sort of person I desire to become.
I am curious and stubborn. I have been trying for years to extend my knowledge on as many fields as possible, for knowledge is power and I wish to leave a print behind. To do something that will matter and be worth remembering.
Not fame, but to accomplish something. Achievement more than publicity.
And apparently while I am a Slytherin in Hogwarts for that thirst for achievement, the cunning and determination, I was sorted as a Horned Serpent in Ilvermorny, for my thirst for knowledge and curiosity.

A sorting of which I am happy for it goes well with my pride as a Slytherin. It highlights a side of my personality that I hold dear and that wasn't put forward at Hogwarts.

Useful Symbols

Source : Neil Gaiman's Tumblr

Untitled document

The voice saying "be stronger"
the unshakeable feeling of emptiness
of unworthiness
of not being enough

There is the cold skin,
the longing for warm hands

The way the heart is tired
ribs are made of lead,
shallow breathing

phantom pain

There is what the night whispers
that plants doubts.

It was sunny today.
Smiles on the pictures and friendly laughs.
Something fell,
something is missing.

Hunting Dragons and Vampires

It's heavily raining on Sighisoara. I can hear the thunder as I watch rain pouring on the other side of the window. Well, actually it's also raining inside. There is a leak in the common room of our hostel. Nothing that would prevent me from writing, but it's always surprising.

We are in Sighisoara, in Transylvania, in Roumania.
We thought we would see dragons and vampire, but as it happens, literature lied to us. We dreamt about a country made of high hills, of deep and dark forest bathed in fog, of quiet villages and grey sky. And we found none of this.
Roumania, as far as we've seen, is mostly flat with some lofty hills, green plains, cute villages with coloured houses and flowery terraces, a church every 100 meters, all of this under a clear blue sky and a cooking hot summer sun.
Romanian people are super kind and make sure you're not lost, or looking for anything, it's really nice. Even when they don't speak a word of English or French (apparently, learning French or English is just as common here), they make sure you catch the right bus, find the station of the closest post office (minor quests that can be darn hard when you don't speak the language of a country)
I really enjoy or stay here.

Side note: So Romania is the sixth country I've been in since January. That's quite a record year! let's hope it doesn't stop there.
China, Thailand, France, Switzerland, Italy, Korea and Roumania.

You Must listen to this

Neil Gaiman wrote a new speech for Father's day. It's called "A Father's pride" and according to Mr Gaiman, it is his account of how he tremendously failed at being a Hockey Dad.
And it's very honestly one of the most touching thing I listened to.
You must listen to it, you MUST listen to it.

The speech is available on The Moth

Sorry French folk, there is no translation of it.

Peonies - C.E. Perugini

Peonies

Charles Edward Perugini (1839–1918)

Walker Art Gallery

(source)

The Pinterest Problem

I like Pinterest. It’s a social media based on inspiration sharing. People upload and share pictures to find ideas or inspiration for approximatively anything. Digital art, ideas for one’s garden, DIY tutorials and so on. It's really a great place to make research when you have a project in mind.
But (there is always a but) there is a downfall to this.
Pinterest is a wonderful tool but it’s also quite poisonous. It is easy to “Pin” lots of wonderful ideas but harder to get anything done afterward.
Pinterest doesn’t make you suddenly good at everything and if one is not careful, time flies and you do nothing of it. It’s good to do nothing sometime, but it can also be quite devastating. One doesn’t suddenly start to do things. one is just more inspired when doing nothing.
So I try to get stuff done. To actually do the things I’ve seen and liked. That knitting work, that quilt. I try to pass a little less time in front of a screen and a bit more on my needle work. It helps to see that I get things done, to hold the result in my hand, to see the progression and feel that I did something, not just dreamt about it.

J'aime bien Pinterest. C'est un reseau social de partage d'inspiration. Les gens postent et partagent des images et des photos d'a peu pres tout ce qui les inspirent. Digital art, idees de jardinage, tutos a realiser soi-meme. Il y a a peu pres de tout. C'est vraiment un super support de recherche quand on a un projet en tete ou qu'on est a la recherche du prochain truc a faire.
Mais (il y a toujours un Mais) il y a comme un probleme avec Pinterest.
C'est un outil merveilleux, mais comme toutes les bonnes choses, cela peut rapidement devenir nauseabond. C'est facile "d'epingler" des idees a tour de bras. C'est nettement plus complique de realiser quoi que ce soit apres.
Pinterest ne remplace pas l'huile de coude. On peut trouver genial les idees qu'on y trouve, mais si a un moment on ne se remonte pas les manches pour les realiser, a la fin de la journee, on a rien fait.
Alors, c'est sympa de ne rien faire parfois, c'est plutot sain, mais ca peut aussi rapidement devenir super nefaste.
C'est ce que je reproche et crainds un peu avec ce genre de reseau social, on reve beaucoup, et le temps file et au bout du compte on (ok, je) finit avec le sentiment desagreable d'avoir perdue une journee
Alors j'essaie de passer un peu moins de temps devant mon ecran et un peu plus sur mon ouvrage, a vraiment faire ce qui m'avait tant plus quand je l'ai vu sur Pinterest. Je couds, je tricote, jusqu'a ce que j'ai l'impression d'avoir fait quelque chose. Je pouvoir tenir le resultat dans les mains. C'est infiniment gratifiant.

My Pinterest : Beli Ya Al