On my own

I cannot resent anyone for me not doing anything. I only have myself to blame.
I want to do things but I was reluctant to go out alone, to go on adventures alone.
And I had a pretty definite idea of who should come with me. But I guess that it's a bit unfair. Everyone should be allowed to do whatever they want to do with their free time.
So I am going to be a little more flexible about the company I keep.
Go alone,
Just offer plans and we'll see who comes.
If nobody comes, then I'll go alone.
I am fine with that.
I can rely on myself. I'm resourceful. I don't much like my own company but I guess I can learn to live with myself.

Budapest - Day 1

La Sagrada Familia

  

  

  

I visited La Sagrada Familia today and I fell in love with the colours and the lights. 

The other side of the world

I am in Thailand and I love every minute of it.

I love the gigantic skyscrapers, titanic towers of steel and glass.
I love the palaces and temples, shinning and colourful.
I love the ruins, both forgotten and very much alive.
I love the blue sky and the storms.
I love the skyline and the small details.

In good company

Travelling alone has such a special taste to it. It takes good feet and thick skin. Getting lost, talking to strangers, trusting your guts.
I used to be scared of travelling alone. It made me uneasy. Not because I didn't feel safe, but because I felt like I didn't belong. Like I was a trespasser. I felt exposed and out-of-place.
I guess I never really liked my own company. Same way I never like to hear my own voice.
I don't know when it changed. It must have been subtle.
I first noticed that the dread of spending a day by myself somewhere I didn't know had lessened when I visited a friend in Birmingham last summer. She was working all day long so I was on my own. I had plenty of empty hours to fill. And I made do.
I found places to visit, Museums to get lost in, Movies I could go to. I made a list of things I could do and off I went. I wandered around the city, walking, gorging myself with the small details of the city. The light in the trees, the skyline, facades and window sills decorations.
Once I had a plan, I got on with it and the unease left.
I guess that's just that: I only needed a plan. No matter how imprecise and incomplete.

Here, the challenge is bigger, because I can't speak the language. But I marvel at the resourcefulness it brings out in me. The quick thinking, and gut-trusting.
A good sense of direction, a vague idea of what I want to do, a list to check and a good pair of shoes. That's all I need in the end.
The awkwardness hasn't entirely disappeared but I'm slowly discovering how to change it into a sense of challenge. The same way being afraid of everything made me bold.
I slowly get to see how I can be a good travelling companion to myself.

Because I am alone with myself, I can take in everything. My attention is undivided.
I take it all in.
The sounds, the sights, the smells, the way my feet move on the uneven ground, the way the shade is a relief. I devour the world and feed it to my inner-world, so that later, when I'm lost in the triviality of daily life, I can dive in and find solace in the memories. So that it can slowly decay and turn into fertile ground for new stories. New pictures. New adventures.

Among the clouds

Watching the world far below
Cities like orange spiderwebs,
Shining in an ocean of ink.

On the horizon clouds have amassed,
Castles and Fortresses, high and wide,
They rage war against each other,
Light flashing in the night.

Now the sky is clear,
Stars are innumerable.
An infinite number of jewels
sparkling a universe away.

Far ahead the sky is changing,
Red, Orange, Yellow,
Impossible hues of blue

The sun is approaching,
Conquering the night.
It is only a star among millions,
but here, it rules like a god over them all.

Going on an adventure again!

I booked my flights for Thailand!
I am going back to Thailand! I am so excited! and I am going to see Lea, and we are going to have so much fun, and also I'll visit Juliette, in Vietnam! I have never been to Vietnam before! I am so excited!

That last summer evening

September is here again already. The summer flew away in the blink of an eye. I had so many projects and did so little. But it’s okay. I did okay.
It has been quite an emotional roller coaster.
I said goodbye to a movement in which I grew up for twenty years.
I faced the monster of my nightmares for three days and survived. He didn’t break me. I am stronger than what he did to me.
I visited a friend abroad and we only grew closer.
I was by my friend’s side for her wedding.
I traveled to a new country and came back with stories and ideas.
I didn’t do the things I had planned, but in a way I did more. I went on adventures and came back richer, bigger.

Following the rainbow

August 2018 - Riga, Latvia

Sunlight and water

2 years

I've been back for two years and I can feel the strain already.
A two years cycle.
I am running forward.
From what? I don't dare looking over my shoulder.
A two years cycle.

My joints are rusting,
my feet are sinking and I fear I'm going to suffocate.
The world is closing up, trapping me.

I can feel the restlessness grow.
The need for more,
for adventure, for novelty, for adrenaline.

I've never know how to settle down.
Not for long anyway.
It never works.

I feel the wind in my hair.
The air in my lungs.
I need to run. I need to flee.

Travel through time

How did I get here? Blue sky above. I can feel the sin on my skin.
 The train races and the stone walls zoom by. Moss and trees.
It smells of earth and summer. Where am I?

The tracks run forward, but I don't know where.
I can't remember. There's something missing.

A bridge.
A short tunnel and something else behind.

Something stirs inside me. 

Darkness ahead. Sweat runs down my spine.
I don't want to go.
We shouldn't go.
we mustn't go.

The noise is deafening. My hair lashes across my face.
There's light and there's darkness.
I can see things move at the corner or my eyes.

The lights are fading. my heart beats against my ribcage.
I can hear them come.
I can only make out their shapes in the shadow.

Light at the end of the tunnel,
but I do not dare to hope.
Please let it be true.

I can hear them howl behind me but the train keeps going.
Please, let it be the outside.
Oh please, let me get out of it alive.

I can taste the open air,
The light is blinding.

I brace myself.

  

We are out. I am safe.
The train races ahead, leaving the darkness behind.
I can hear them howl, hungry and furious.

  

 The train races and the stone walls zoom by. Moss and trees.
It smells of earth and summer. Blue sky above. I can feel the sin on my skin.

How did I get here?
Where am I?

On a sunny spring day